An Open Letter To The Sharpie People

To whom it may concern,

I am a user of your markers. They are the best. Being in the work field that I am in, I am in constant need of a marker. I could be cheap and grab a Crayola marker but those are for children and being a man-child and as much as I prefer the scented markers, I don’t think working for a million dollar+ company and caught using markers that smell like apple, bananas, chocolate, or grape. It won’t speak too highly of me. I opt out of using those and go with the brand that has a name that embodies the greatness of markers.

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My run in with a serial killer: He wanted to put the lotion on my skin.

If you know anything about Missouri and the way Mother Nature treats us, you are fully aware of how awful it is. Never do we have a normal week of the same and consistent, boring weather. Each week or to make it seem more legit, each day we are subjected to the ever-changing weather patterns of the awful and almost hellish, style weather. It’s a roller coaster of seasons.  Trust me. In Missouri, you can (and you will) bear witness to all four seasons in a single week. It doesn’t matter which seasons you’re in. It can snow in the summer and it can be sweltering hot in the middle of December. It’s just how Missouri is. We are used to it but as much as we are used to the undecided weather that is dumped on us, we still bitch and moan about the weather, no matter if it’s cold or hot.

The other day, we were ravaged with a mixture of rain, ice, and snow. Combine all that into a 24 hour period and you have what most Missourians considered, Snowmageddon. I have a new car now. My old car would have died if I tried driving anymore than a foot away from the apartment. Now that I have 2.0, I have no issues driving in the arctic style weather. If you are wondering if this post is about the weather and not about the run in I had with a possible serial killer, then you’re wrong. This is not about the weather. I have discussed previously about the weather here and here. I hate snow and I hate ice. I just feel if I am going to talk about my chance meeting with a possible serial killer, I should build up a back story and not just throw you head first into what could have been my final demise.

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How not to make an example

I don’t have kids. I am already dead set that I will never populate the Earth with any offspring. The discussion of why I won’t get married or have a litter of little Kirk’s running around isn’t important. I am sure I have talked at great lengths about why I won’t. I brought up the topic of kids because it serves a point to the topic I am about to discuss. Even if you don’t have kids, you can still make your point. You don’t even have to resort to using children in your plan to make a point, even if the point is unimportant and a pathetic attempt and trying to come off as superior than others. If you want to make a point about something, I suggest you don’t do anything stupid.

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She’s looking to replace her son

The Good SonI come from a large family and we always question who our mom loves the most. We’ll give her awful and bizarre circumstances that put two of us at the hands of her. She’ll have to save one and let the other perish, sort of like the ending to The Good Son, which is the second greatest Culkin movie other. If you don’t know the scene I am talking about, watch the ending to the movie and see which son she saves.

That is a huge weight to put on the shoulders of your mother. If my mother had to choose, I would hope she wouldn’t let me go. I mean, I am a pretty amazing kid. I have a vast database of corny jokes which are amaizing. Who else will she get to work on the crossword puzzle? No one. That’s right. Without me, she’ll never solve 21 across. But if my mother ever gets to the point of not wanting me as a son anymore I have a fall back plan. I have another person who will take me in and claim me as her own. This woman will be my new mom if the mother I have now decides to drop me like I dropped smoking and moved on like I was nothing but a passing phase, like the Harlem Shake.

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Debbie Downers

Debbie Downer2I will admit that while I try to be a very positive person, there are times when I become a little negative. I am not always the happy, go-lucky person people seem to think I am. I have my days when I want to strangle the life out of each and every one of you. It’s nothing personal. I am just fed up with your depressing nature and the way you see life. I know life isn’t all sex and candy. I know life will be horrible and no matter how well we try, life will always be the red-headed cousin we try so eagarley to avoid. Nothing will protect us from the likes of the Debbie Downers. Debbie Downers have but one goal in life. They want to make sure we are sad. They want us to feel their pain. If they cannot feel joy then we, ourselves, shouldn’t feel joy, happiness, or anything that remotely feels like a warm embrace of love.

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