In a previous post, I talked about a few types of people you are likely to meet around the office at work. While the list was long, I didn’t cover everyone. Work can be a fun place or it can be a living hell if you let it be. I work with a colorful group of people. These people have their little quirks that bug me and wish that my fist could go through their face, not once, but twice. Not to be seen as a violent person at work but when you deal with the people I deal with, you’d wish you had a wooden board to meet the side of their face dead on.

The Kneeler

Such an obvious one that I overlooked. The Kneeler is the type of person who started out as the teacher’s pet. They were teachers aides and hung around the principles office after hours. Not many people looked forward to hanging out with their principal when they were younger and being older, they have no desire to shooting the sheet with their boss. The kneeler is one who wants that. They want to be the favorite. Wall know the kneeler lacks in every field they pursue.  We know they suck as an employee. Their knowledge of the computer closely matches the same your grandparents have. They don’t give 110% and if given the chance, they’ll hardly give 50%. Yet, as you struggle day in and day out, staying after hours to work late and finish the reports, the kneeler is out the door at five minutes till five. These people do the least amount of work and fail at everything they try. For some unknown reason, these people get a promotion far earlier than you. They rise to the top while you are stuck in what feels like the catacombs of the office. Your goal and their goal differ in some ways. You both want to make it to the top of the food chain. You both have different qualities that make you a likely candidate. Your work is all about sitting in a chair at your desk, doing everything you can to keep your job. Under your breath, you’re groaning about how the kneeler gets the raises and promotions and you don’t. While you sit there, the kneeler is under a desk somewhere, working their way to the top. You are right about one thing. The kneeler does suck.

The Corporate Tool.

The CT is not an ass kisser. They aren’t smooching it up with the bosses. They don’t tug at their bosses suit to show them their macaroni art they made at last month corporate retreat. The CT is a walking billboard for the company. They have a company bumper stick on the car. They have pens they “accidentally” leave at every place they visit. Much like a high school girl in love, they dream of one day, being “miss corporate so and so”. They walk around cubicle to cubicle with a company coffee mug just to show the others that “look! I’m a team player!” Pens, bumper stickers, mugs, and if available, they’ll wear a tie to represent their place of work. When any opportunity arrives where someone needs to represent the company, they’ll be shoving their way to the front of the line to be picked. Being picked last at kickball really did a number on them but come the company Olympic day, they’ll be first in line to sign up for the three-legged race with the big wigs. It’s time for them to be carried off the field like Rudy. These people live and breathe the company atta boy, tiger! You’ll go places!

Forever Sick.

The forever sick person is close to the “woe is me”. But they aren’t looking for comfort. They would be if they were actually ever at work. Some people are sick a few days a month, these people are healthy only a few days a month. It can be a headache, a stomach ache, or a cold. Whatever the ailment is, they have it. They will make it known they aren’t feeling well. Their constant sickness is sickening to say the least. These people are prime targets for “the professional”. Their work area is cluttered with tissues, medicine, and all types of herbal teas to cleanse their system of the sickness they have been enduring for years. But with all these remedies, nothing cures them. They are forever sick. They drag their feet and walk slightly faster than a sloth. Everyday is new ailment. One day it’ll be a flu and the next day, it’s a headache. Not even cowbell can be prescribed for the fever they are stricken with. You don’t have to worry about them. They aren’t trying to get sympathy from you. It’s just a side effect of a job they wish they could just leave. The only upside to them being sick, it’s not lupus. It’s never lupus.

The New Recruit.

While I am not a fan of new people, I have to look back and know that I once was the new recruit. We were all new people once in our lifetime. But as time passed, the rules we were told to follow, faded away from memory and now we just go with the flow. With the new recruit, the handbook is their Bible. They will read a short passage each night before bed to get a better understanding of the company and how it works. A picture of the CEO sits on their nightstand. It’s a friendly reminder of what they are aiming for. “One day…one day…”

They were hired on to be the new blood. To weed out those who just can’t cut it anymore. They are hand-picked and molded into a model employee. The HR people hope for them to be a good influence around others. The New Recruits will aim to please. They will be at your beck and call. Say “jump” and they’ll ask how high. Like the average serial killer, you need to worry about the quiet ones.  They aren’t shy. They are plotting and waiting. They don’t flock to the water cooler to mingle with the other associates. They don’t want to be poisoned by their crude and sexual innuendos. Those are wrong. It is stated in, “section III: Article 4: Line 6-9”. If you ever try to skirt the rules, they’ll be there to turn you in. They are the hall monitors of the company. They set their watches according the minute they step away from the office for break. If it’s an hour lunch, that’s what they will take. Not a minute more. They may carry around a notepad in their pocket to scribble any information they get throughout the day. They have the energy and gusto of ten men. Clean shaven, neatly pressed clothes, and a peppiness in every step are clean signs you’re around a New Recruit. But fear not. As the days turn in months and those months fade into years, the New Recruits will be just like you and me. Later in life, they will become “the professional” , “the corporate tool”, or “the untouchable“. You will just have to bear with them for a little while. While their cheerfulness and finger shaking is nerve-racking, it’ll end.

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My brother has been informing us of the d-bags that roam this earth. These people seem to be everywhere. They are in every aspect of our lives. We cannot forget about the certain type of people we work with. You spend eight hours a day with these people and forty hours a week with them. You may be one of the few that see them more than you see your family. It unfathomable that everyone will get along. It would be nice if that would happen. But we live in a very messed up world and nothing is ever easy. Spending so much time with these people, you begin to see what kind of people they are. You soon realize who you can and cannot talk to. Work is a stressful place as it is. We don’t need to deal with these type of people. It only makes our days harder. Being an expert in the field of reading people and seeing them who they truly are, I feel that it is my duty to share some information with you. I am going to share with you the type of people we all work with. Who knows, you might find yourself in one of the categories.

The Professional

Working with the professional is two sided. The good side about working with the pro is the knowledge you can receive from them. They have been around the block and know the in’s and the out’s of the company. They can shine some light on matters that aren’t too familiar with you. They will share the shortcuts they know to help make your job just a tad bit easier. But there is a  downside to working with the professional.  You’ll have the constant, over the shoulder nit picking and the never ending reminders of, “I’ve been here for so many years. I know this and I know that. You aren’t better than me.” They will be one who finds the remedial jobs a burden and a waste of their time. They will remind often about the hours they have put in. They aren’t prone to sickness. The professional is a person who has never been sick and if they were, they will shove their balls of steel down your throat whenever you call in. Be cautious about calling in. To him, calling in means you should be fired or lose that bonus the company gets every month. They aren’t weak like you. They shrug off the Ebola virus like it’s nothing and stick through the day till the clock strikes nine.

The Untouchable

They fall into a sub category just under “The Professional”.  They have the knowledge and do share it. They just don’t go around demeaning those who are lower on the hierarchy. They are the alpha male at the office.  They started before the employee rulebook did. Rules and regulations don’t apply to them. They scoff at it. These people have been with the company for so long, they feel as if they can do no wrong. They can skirt the rule book and get away with just about everything. They’ll only get a slight slap on the wrist if they disobey the boss. These people cannot be touch. They walk on water and they know they do. They are stubborn, arrogant, and overall, total dicks. Try all you want but these boys are more powerful than Superman himself.

Annie’s Got Her Gun

They are the polar opposite of the “Professional”. These are and can be new employees at your company. Being fresh out of college, they are an expert in their field. They spent most of their college years jumping from major to major. Never really deciding on what major to pursue, they dabble in every subject they can get their greedy, little mind on. Once they learn something, it will make them the top scholar in that subject. They are quick to question everything and quick to point out if someone is doing something against company policy. They question authority just to hear their own voice. They are the people who question the professional and their knowledge.

The Tattler

If we look back in the history book, we can see that the first written tattler was Cindy Brady.  Maybe you’re the one who left the toilet seat up. They’ll be there to let the world know it was you. Maybe you cost the company the big Anderson account. She’ll let them know it was you. If you ate the last donut in the office lounge, you can bet your sweet ass she’ll be the one to rat you out. Your mistakes are just ammunition for her to tell the suits what errors you made. It will make you look bad and make her feel as if she looks good. No one likes a tattler. Every work has them. Normally, they are the people that everyone avoids. But keep your eyes peeled and always watch your back. She’ll be around every corner and watching your every move. If you ever make a mistake, you can be sure as hell, she will let the management know. She’ll feel like she did something right when she glances by the boss’ office and sees you sitting across from him. No worries. Your boss hates tattlers just as much as you do.

The Bulls-eye

Everyone is against them. The world is out to get them and they want you to know about it. The feel like they are being singled out from everyone else. When they feel they are being targeted, they will switch gears and turn into a tattler. If they can’t do it, why can someone else do it? They don’t want to be the only person going down. You’re going down too. It’s best to follow the rules. If you aren’t, they will be the first person to run off and tell the boss on you. They get some sort of joy out of watching you get in trouble for the same thing they are getting blamed for. It might not even be for the same thing. Their brain is wired differently. It’s like they know they are doing things wrong. If you ever did something incorrect or differently than told, they make a mental note. They might not even be around when you do. It’s a mystery as to how they know about it. Once your foible is in memory, it is there and locked away. This part of the brain just needs to be jump started. Once they are attacked or questioned about their misdeeds, they will pull a random instance from their memory. The one time you went against your boss’s wishes, they will now know about it. The Bulls-eye is going to make sure someone else gets a finger shaking in their face. If you try and talk to them rationally about an error they made, they take it not as advice but an attack. Their happy, go-lucky attitude melts away and they become sour and cruse everyone. It’s not wise to cross them. Sometimes, it is best to just let their mistakes slide. If you go to the manager about them, you’re getting an earful. It won’t be from the CEO but from the Bulls-eye. A deer in the headlights has a better chance than you do.

Woe is Me

The “Woe Is Me” is a person we all have encountered. They are at every job. This is the person at work who always has a sad story to tell. They feel as if the problems in their life overshadow yours and the smallest thing, such as a hang nail, is a cry for help and sympathy. Their personal life is never left at home. They bring it to work and will sigh and whine till someone caves and asks what’s wrong. They feel as if they get the short straw every time and need someone there to give them a nice pat on the back. They need that comfort in letting them know everything is going to be okay. Like the “Bulls-eye”, they feel like the world is out to get them. They will drop subtle hints about what is ailing them. They keep at it, till you pry into their life and ask what the problem is. It’s okay. You’re welcome to listen. Not only are the employees subjected to their pity party, so our the clients. They need sympathy from everyone. The more that know, the better they feel. They just want to vent. Their continuing attitude and cry for attention will bring a steady decline in the morale around the office. They want you to feel sorry for them. Feeling sorry for them will not cure it but only fuel the fire to make it a more reoccurring situation.