I mentioned how my vacation was going to be all about drinking and sobering up. I talk a big game when it comes to drinking. While I do indulge in the occasional bottle or two, I don’t drink myself silly every night. I have had my fair share of drunken nights. I’ve blacked out before. Fourth of July is still a blur. I over did myself the other night. I drank far more than I should have.

It was around 2pm -3pm. I had no real plans that day. I was just going to clean and do some random things around the house. I was going to have a few drinks just to do it. No reason. I wasn’t craving the barley or the hops. I just felt like having a refreshing alcoholic drink. With an offer I posted on facebook for drinks in return of your help with cleaning, I had one person accept it. I wasn’t being serious at all. Half of what I write on facebook is garbage. I just think of the strangest, most off the wall crap I can imagine and post it.

He arrived. House was clean. There was still beer though. I only had maybe 5 in there. We got to drinking and playing video games. We quickly drank the beers up and figured since we were already drinking, why not go get some more? Why not chill longer and have a good time.

We went to the store for a full case of cold, refreshing bud light. Not everyone likes Bud Light. It’s a freaking joke to most people. But cool it. I like it.

It’s what I enjoy drinking. It’s not Captain. That’s my love. I feel bad for Mr. Morgan. I haven’t wet my whistle with his liver killing beverage in a while. I still love. I hope to one day get back to sailing the seven seas with him. His cousin Jerry is nice. We’ve met up a few times.

We get back to my place and decide to watch a movie. Still drinking. Maybe we should order a pizza. We don’t want to drink on an empty stomach. That is a bad idea. Drinking is a bad idea. I know. But doing the drinking and not doing the eating is foolish. We get our pizza. So good. We ended up watching three movies that night. I really had no plans on drinking all night. But I did. My friend and I just chilled. Played some video games and watched some movies. Part way into movie two, we notice we’re low on alcohol. We could call it a night and part ways but why? Why end the night when we’re having fun. We both felt fine. We weren’t stumbling around the apartment. We weren’t slurring our speech either. Again, we head out to grab some more.

Before you say anything, I am fully aware of the outcome that may happen if the pigs police pull me over. We grabbed another case of beer. I have no idea how a person my size was pounding these beers down like water. We kept watching the movies. After having a handful of these beers, I started to feel it. I wasn’t crazy drunk but enough where I was feeling it. I felt good. I felt relax. I felt tired. I began to doze off.

I don’t know how long I dozed off for but at some point, I woke up screaming. I was in pain. It wasn’t like headache pain. It wasn’t drinking all night long hangover pain. I felt like my chest was going to explode. I thought I was going to die. I was waiting for my heart to explode or worse, watch an alien pop from my chest a la “Alien”. My friend watched as I rolled about the floor. I clutched my chest. This was odd. This wasn’t just a normal pain in my chest. I have those often. It’s a sharp pain that last no more than a minute. This lasted longer. Much longer.

I stood up. I stumbled a bit. Drunken stumble plus I am dying stumble. The last thing I should do with a severe chest pain is smoke. I did. I took a puff and the ugly and nasty habit seemed to sooth me and put an end to the agonizing pain I was enduring. The pain was gone. I felt better. I reassured my friend that everything was okay. We went back to the movie and not long after I restarted the movie, the pain was back. It wasn’t worse. It felt the same and was not letting up. I clutched my chest. I clenched my teeth, groaning and cursing the unknown culprit for putting me through this.

After little convincing we headed to the hospital. This was around 3am. I don’t know what condition he was in. I didn’t feel drunk. If I were, the alcohol swimming in my veins was overshadowed by the fiery pain inside me. I curled myself up in the fetal position in the car. I was still gripping my teeth. It always seems to work. Usually when you’re in pain, you just clench your teeth and the pain goes away. Or at least, it seems to lessen.

I arrived at the hospital. We didn’t wait long. My friend however thought differently. He approached the night shift nurses multiple times asking where the good doctor was. My name was called. I kid you not. The nurse came out. She was carrying a clipboard. She looked around. There was only us two in the waiting room. She glanced around and called out my name. She called it again. I don’t know if don’t realize ma’am, but I am the only one here. There are no other patients waiting. Why act like you’re bewildered as to who I was. Procedure. I don’t give a flying [censored] about your so-called procedure. I am curled up in the chair. I am the only one here. Don’t came out carrying an over sized magnifying glass and act like you’re searching for the Lindbergh baby. You never passed med school and aren’t a full-fledged doctor. Please don’t take it out on me.

I am taken to a room. I am asked to strip. I could hear Donna Summer playing in my head. While no bills were tossed around me or stuffed in my boxers, I did get stuck with a giant needle. If you’re taking blood samples, you’re in for quite a surprised. I wonder what my BAC was that night. She never told me. If I had been arrested, at least I would have known. Did I beat my old record of .12%? 

I was pulled into another room and further test were done. The caressed my body again. She rubbed her hands all over my chest. Thankfully it wasn’t a large man like before. The lady wasn’t attractive but she was rubbing me down like a wannabe porn star waxes a car. 

After the numerous test, I am wheeled back into the room I started in. I am told I can dress myself. I pull up my britches and lay back on the table. The waiting is awful. I couldn’t do anything but wait. I couldn’t walk out. I wanted to. I wanted to leave and just say ‘screw you.’ If I left and the trouble started again what would I do? I couldn’t walk back in there and ask to get tested all over again. Eventually, the good doctor walks in. He hands me some papers and some pamphlets he says I should read. The said pamphlets sat on my coffee for days. I never read them. I did some cleaning and tossed them. The results were in. What was ailing me? 

Speaking of ailing. Did you hear about the two brothers who each swallowed an ink pen. When they started feeling pain, one leaned over to the other and said, “I think we’re suffering from a pen inside us.”

I had a bad case of acid reflux. Yeah. A simple tums would have cleared it all up. Instead of spending four bucks on a pack of that, I am probably gonna spend hundreds of dollars on a visit. This still doesn’t match the amount of money I spent the last time I drank foolishly. DUI’s are expensive. Drinking is expensive.

That was a pretty exciting night. I drank far too much. I should have sucked it up and not made that trip to the ER. But I didn’t really like rolling around on the floor screaming in pain. Here’s also a little bit of excitement I had that night. We got back to myself and turned the movie back on. He grabbed another beer. I passed. I had enough fun for the night. I think I’ll smoke instead. It is after 4. We step outside. I see my neighbors car lights on. The door is open. It isn’t them. There was someone breaking into their car. We scared him off. We didn’t say anything. But he saw us. He slammed the door and bolted. I don’t know who he was and cannot point him out in a line up if you asked me. 

I don’t want people to worry about me. Don’t set up some crazy intervention. I just drank more than I should have that night. I am waiting on the bill to arrive. When it does, I will see the damage it caused. Maybe seeing the number and the endless zeros will change my mind about the next time I agree to drinking myself to near death.