Continuing on from the last post, I am going to give you more reasons rules a woman must follow if she is wanting to marry me. I don’t want people to think that I am coming across as a chauvinistic pig. I am speaking from my heart. I am telling you what I expect out of my wife. We all have standards. We all want the perfect spouse. While some may seem old fashion or wrong in today’s world, they are what I believe.

5. Two legs good, four legs baaaad.

While this isn’t much of a ‘wife rule’, I want to make something perfectly clear before she brings along another mouth to feed. Pets can fall under the same section as children. But since babies ( excluding those from the South) have two legs, they are okay. We’ll touch on the idea of children next. For now, we are discussing pets. I don’t like pets. I like some pets. I’ll be cool with a snake. Not all four-legged animals are bad. I mean, I like rats. I am cool with hamsters. I just don’t like the ones that are large enough to wander the house alone or ones that fit inside a purse. Women like cats. I don’t. I did but after the family cat died, as did my love for the feline. They are just as bad as women. Stuck up and think they can do whatever they want. I don’t want two stuck up [censored] trying to run the house. What about the dog? A dog is a man’s best friend. But they lick their own ass and that is just wrong. I am forewarning my future wife (finger’s crossed) that she is aware that no creature will be tagging along with us when we decide to say, “I do”. I will be the bread winner in this family. Since I make the money and people who have money, have power. I’ll have the power and I’ll have the say in everything. No pets. If I am going to be at work making money and making a difference in this world, you’ll be at home tending to the rigorous chores of cooking, cleaning, and dry walling. You won’t even have time to feed (nor the money to buy the food) or take Fluffy out for a walk. Be a good wife and stay inside.

6. No breeding.

I imagine most women dream about getting married. Finding that perfect man and after he lands that perfect corporate job, they can think about kids. Yes. I said, kids. That isn’t a mistake. Women want kids. Meaning more than one. I am okay with zero. Kids are messing creatures. They need love and care. I understand the whole concept of the leash idea. You can’t leave them alone for a second. Who knows what trouble those creatures will get themselves into. I don’t think I can handle nine months of a nagging wife. Actually, you nag all the time but for nine months, its probably going to be uber annoying. If I can’t handle it, how the hell is she going to? For nine months, she’ll have to don the apron, wash the clothes, clean the gutters, and mow the lawn. Do all that with a belly the size of a Buick.

Before I go on with my thought about children, I must explain the whole how babies are made thing. I am cool with that. I have no problem with the making the baby routine. But there has to be a safety net. I will advise my wife to go under the knife for that. If she wants, she can hire a sailor to help tie the knot. What ever route she goes, I am all for it. But in no way will I have a doctor tinker with my wee little winkie. That’s off limits to everyone but two people. Me and my wife.

Back to the topic on hand. You’re welcome to babysit the nieces and the nephews. We can watch them. They’ll be trained already. Since we don’t have a pet (as stated above), there will be no litter box to even help when the kids need to use the facilities. I need my sleep and so do you. I can’t be bothered by the 3am calls of a crying baby. I need to get a good night’s rest if I am going to work tomorrow to support the both of us. You’ll need your rest too. You have to be up early to make me a hearty breakfast before I leave for work that day. We’re both busy people and a baby will just throw everything for a loop. To add, how do people have 2.5 kids? If by some chance we were to have children and I hope to God we don’t, what half do I want? The crying half or the pooping half? It’s a tough call.

7. Opinions.

We all have them. We all want to speak our minds and tell the other what we’re thinking. In marriage, your opinion is going away like your last name. Since we’re getting married and law states that you take my last name, it’s only logical that you take my opinion as well. When a woman gets married, she loses two things. She loses her last name and her opinion. We should think the same. You shouldn’t be thinking on your own. Don’t question me when I say something. Don’t try to think yourself. A woman’s brain is much smaller than a man’s brain. I don’t want you to hurt yourself. A woman’s job is to listen. You should be aware of everything I like and do. Don’t call me and ask what I want to eat. Don’t ask what color of wallpaper you should buy. That information should already be instilled somewhere in your memory bank. I can’t spend my time answering all your questions. We’re a couple.

I don’t ever want to hear you say, “You know what I am thinking?”. I honestly don’t care. I have no desire to hear what you have to say. Understand that you’re welcome to have your likes and dislikes. I can’t change that. But don’t ever question my authority. I am man. I am law.  Don’t berate me about drinking or smoking. If I am still smoking and drinking when we marry, then you’re going to have to deal with it. I don’t want you to try and give me a speech about my health.  I understand both are unhealthy but I do what I enjoy. You like cleaning. You don’t see me telling you to stop. Never under mind me, ever. Not even in front of my family or friends. If you have something to say, I suggest you bite your tongue and stop there. Don’t open your mouth for anything…well, maybe for a few things. Just leave the thinking to the man. You have other things to worry about.

8. Talking.

Never do it. Never talk unless spoken to. Your day spent at home will never be exciting enough to talk about. Don’t talk when I am watching television or a movie. I want silence. You’re welcome to talk when I ask you a question. When the question is asked, I want no more than three word answers. Any more than that and I will tune you out. I don’t want to admit it but you will probably give me a headache when you do. Never ask me if we can ‘just talk’. Cause there is never just talking. It’s you complaining about mundane things. Remember, I am man. Your complaints don’t matter to me. Your opinions don’t matter either. I like silence. I want to eat in peace. I want to watch my programs in silence. I want the car ride to be just the music and not you drowning it out. How a woman can talk so much when she has so much to do is mind boggling. When you talk to me, it makes me wish I didn’t make the no pet rule. I would borrow Fluffy’s muzzle and strap it right over your face. Save me the pain, and just be quiet.