My Neighbor Is A Jehovah Witness

Or I can title this, My new neighbor is a complete nutcase. I don’t know much about the J Hos but I do know you make other religions look normal. I don’t even know what the fluck you believe. Please tell me. How crazy are you? I was ready to call an end to my story about the dead zombie wife and all that ties into it. I was sad that you moved in and weren’t contributing to the legend. But what happens the day after I post the finale to the story?

You and your ADD granddaughter come knocking on my door offering me reading material about how great and not crazy your beliefs are. I didn’t read it. I never do. Your Watchtower brochure is always planted around the area. Each apartment I have lived it the laundry room was filled with them. People ignored them but I didn’t. I didn’t let you poison me and other people with your nonsense. I always tore that crap up. I find it strange that every issue I find is about the end of times. Not just one here and there. Every. Single. Issue.  I don’t know about you but if I was looking for people to join my religion I wouldn’t start off with the end of the world. Maybe a welcome brochure. Why not tell us a little bit about how you are and why we shouldn’t assume you and your fellow cult members are crazy and members of some crazy made up religion?

I am at my computer and I can easily google you up. I can look up what you believe. But I won’t. I did know one J Ho when I was younger. His name was Brian. He was a nice kid. A real nice kid. But as we talked, I learned he was different from me. I remember it was around Christmas and I was leaving for the day. I saw him on my way out and said,

“Merry Christmas, Brian!”

He looked at me and told me he didn’t celebrate it. Oh, so are you Jewish? I assumed Jewish because that is the only other possibility there could be. I am sure there are more and there is but it seemed like the most plausible. He said, “No.” I stop and looked at him,

“Then what the [censored] are you?”

He said he was a Jehovah Witness. I shrugged my shoulders and walked away. I didn’t care to learn then and still don’t care to learn now. I know you’re crazy and you don’t believe the things I do. It’s okay to watch an R rated movie. You can blow out candles and celebrate your birthday. Halloween! Seriously, lady! You left your house because your crazy religion doesn’t celebrate it. I am sorry. I just don’t get it. To rehash a joke that everyone uses but Jehovah Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween? Well I guess they don’t enjoy random strangers coming up and knocking on their door either. Why are you not right in the head? Do you believe in God? Catholics do. Mormons do but in a different way. Jews believe in God. If you are a Jehovah Witness and you are reading this, explain to me what the eff you believe. From my understanding, you guys fear the Apocalypse, don’t like R rated movies, and think trick or treating is the work of the devil or something like that. Fill me in. Tell me what you believe and don’t show me wikipedia because that information is about as resourceful as Fox News.

I feel like with her handing me reading material, I can bring the legend back to life but I don’t think I will. It’s dead. I just wanted to point out her being a J Ho and how it was poor timing for her to bring this to my attention the day after I announced the death of the Dead Zombie Wife legend. I am not too fond of her (Grandma Judy) and her demon spawn granddaughter. You are both crazy. Seeing how the granddaughter acts, I wonder if maybe you all raise your children to be crazy and pop them full of Ritalin likes it’s smarties. Maybe the demon spawn is just high on sugar but I could be wrong. Your strange religion might see sugar as a sin. You don’t celebrate Halloween and everyone knows that candy and Halloween go together like Abbott and Costello. The only other idea to explain her odd behavior is she is a member of the ADD club. Calm down, demon spawn. Life isn’t on fast forward.

The few times I’ve seen this girl she is full of energy and screaming like a child who didn’t get the cereal they wanted at the grocery store. I was walking inside my apartment one warm, summer day when I spotted them both sitting on their porch doing Jehovah Witness things. I said hello to be nice and before I could reach for the doorknob, the demon spawn is jumping up and down, screaming about the imaginary adventures she and Grandma Judy went on..

“We’re eating popcorn and playing outside!”

You might not think that is anything scary but anything is scary when a kid says it. Add in some eerie music and have the kid say that over and over again. You’ll never sleep again and you will never see the lady next door as just, “the quiet lady next door.” I don’t think she is a Gacy or Dahmer kind of person. If anything, I am. I am more of that kind of person who rather he left alone and if I was to snap, the neighbors will be telling reporters and the police that I was “quiet, stuck to himself, and really nice when we talked.” But don’t worry. I am sane.

To Grandma Judy and her demon spawn granddaughter. She is evil but she isn’t a problem. In fact, she is now getting haunted and someone or something is trying to run her out. It seems that since she has moved in, she has had many problems with things breaking down and not working properly. She has come to me twice about issues she wanted me to fix.I am not handy. When something breaks in my apartment I call the landlord. It’s their job to fix it. Last week Judy came knocking on my door. The washer was broke again. If you forgot about that, read about it here. It was quiet a story. Anyway, Judy said she was going to call the office about the broken washer and wanted to see if I would let them in through my apartment since she was not going to be home. She doesn’t want people coming in her place when she isn’t there. I am sure it is because she has dark secrets that she can’t let them see. Cause Grandma Judy is into the dark arts. I agreed and said I would. She left. I shut the door and not but five seconds later she is back. She decided that it would be best for me to call because and these are her words and not mine,

“They won’t believe me. They never do.”

Yikes. Judy doesn’t like it here. I know she is ready to move. She will be out soon. She doesn’t have the same will power I have when it comes to witches, ghosts, and zombies in the wall. I still wish I can figure out what her purpose is. Maybe she is a wayward demon who wanted a change? Maybe she decided not to collect my soul. Or maybe she is just a f**king crazy, Jehovah Witness.

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