My Coworker Is An Alien

Tin Foil HatVery long ago, I mentioned how I think too much. How I think into things. Call it a gift or call it a curse. You can call it whatever you want. I don’t care. I do go overboard when I think about certain happenings. I will stretch it and look for anything to make some sense out of what I am dealing with. At the moment, I am dealing with a lot. It is giving me a constant headache and ulcers. I don’t want to be right but after what happened, things are beginning to add up. We never suspected a thing but now, we do. Now, we know what is going on. I am going to get the word out.

What am I about to tell you is mind-blowing. I for one shouldn’t be talking about it. Who knows who is listening. I better put my foil hat on. I don’t want ‘them’ listening. They might punish me. They don’t want you to know their plan of impregnating all the woman of the world.  Yeah, it’ll happen. They’re here and they’ve been here longer than you think. You lost? Let me explain.

I first met (name removed) a year ago. He is your average guy. He and I shared many laughs together and talked numerous times about the foibles of work. We talked all the time about anything and everything. At least I thought we talked about everything. You see, (name removed) has his secrets. There were many times that I would ask him something and I wouldn’t get an answer. I did but the answer was half-assed and there were things he didn’t mention. Not sure if he just forgot to or if he just didn’t want me to know. Thinking more about it, I think he wasn’t allowed to talk about said things. I don’t want to be one of those people. I don’t want to be the crazy guy on the street screaming about 9/11 being an inside job. But look at what I deal with. When you start to examine the facts and put them in a row, the jumbled mess of theories and all else unbelievable become sane and reasonable facts.

I am a pretty good judge of character. I liked (name removed). But now it’s different. I’m not saying I hate the guy. I don’t. I still love him inMIB a non-sexual kind of way. I do miss him. You see, he was a private person. I’m sure he still is. I should make it known that he isn’t dead. He is alive. He is just sort of “missing”. Not missing like we need to put his face on a milk carton but missing like he hasn’t shown up to work for two weeks. So for two weeks we’ve tried to contact him. No one has ever gotten a response. I did though. I got a response that really got me thinking that he wasn’t the person we all thought he was. He had a dastardly plan that he hid well. Now that he went AWOL and were not communicating with him, those secrets and his hidden agenda is coming to light. A group (3 really) put together the facts and did some sleuthing around. He was just a full-time employee who needed a job like Mr. Clean needs a comb. He worked not for us. He worked for the government. He is part of the MIB. He will be called, Agent T.

Alien OverlordsI came aware of his true purpose about two months ago. There were certain things he did and said that just weren’t right. It was like he was fishing for some answers. I am sure he was on to my friend who is a prime target for the alien invasion that is happening all over the world and not just here in Kansas City. He’s spoken to me many times about how we are not alone and haven’t been for some time. Aliens are among us. We just don’t know who they are. The government does. They keep track of the aliens that come here. Some aliens slip by and don’t go through ‘alien customs’. Those are the ones my friend is worried about. Those are the ones who want to watch our planet collapse on itself. They want to either end life here or enslave us all and make us do their bidding. I am sure we’ll be forced to make mammoth structures and monuments to our new, alien overlords. My friend has been stalked by the government for years now. I put these two things together and it makes sense. Agent T was trying to get information from me about my friend and then after years of trying to contain him and keep him quiet about the government’s knowledge about alien life, they would have silenced another voice of reason. My friend is still safe and still voicing the government’s involvement in the upcoming alien invasion.

I have joked a lot about a gentleman I work with. To protect him and his fate, I will call him “Chris”. Chris tends to be a bit off. Maybe using ‘a bit off’ is being nice and tuning it down a lot. He is odd. Very odd. When people are different from the norm, you notice it. It’s okay to be different. It’s okay to want to stand out from the crowd and scream, “I am not a conformist!” You’re welcome to be whoever you want to be. But when your different ways start to become weird and illegal, that is when we can draw the line. That is when we can stretch out our arm and point at you scream, “Freak! Weirdo!” This guy has a thing for women. He likes them more than all the other guys on this planet combined. It is creepy and even puts some of the chauvinistic men I know to shame. His odd behavior can only mean one thing. He isn’t human. He is an alien. Not one of the ‘all knowing, all-powerful, take over the world’ type alien. He is like the Howard the Duck of the alien world. You’re telling me you work with an alien? I do! I am sure people joke about it all the time but I am telling no lie. He’s a real alien and I have the proof. I notice that when he learns something new, he retains that information forever. He will not stray from it nor will he improvise and make it his own. He’ll stay with the ways he was taught  the very first time. His advanced (advanced for him) brain logs what he sees and learns and when the time comes to do the same project over, he can it verbatim. If you do said project a different way and he is around to watch, you can be sure he will be there to correct you and show you the “correct” way of doing it.

Show Me How

I always thought Chris was just being annoying about the whole thing but it makes sense the other way. Why would he be set in his way the only way he learned it? It’s nice to know more than just one way. Like skinning a cat. There’s more than one way to do it. Learn another way. You may be surprised that the other way is much easier and probably has more flavor. The alien’s obsession with the female species is not because he wants to get inside their pants and make beautiful, balding babies but it’s for studying and biological purposes. He comes from the planet, Saturn. If I were to guess, he’s probably been here on Earth since the early 00′s. Not much time to really adapt to our way of life but has gained some knowledge of how we do things. This may explain his reasoning as to why he asked a group of four gay man how to ‘pick up chicks.

Flying SaucerI do not know why he is studying women. He does mainly study the younger female species. I am sure that is why Agent T was here to watch him. Agent T of the MIB has been following him and keeping track of how he fits in with the human race. While he is very eccentric with people, he does have a hard time fitting in and acting normal. I guess he studied up on his people skills watching infomercials. Agent T, fully aware of what Chris is, would invite him out to the bar for drinks and conversation. I know that the conversation was really just Agent T asking questions. What crazy bar did these two mingle and drink themselves silly at? A little place called, “The Flying Saucer”. I am sure Chris got a kick out of it, thinking that Agent T had no idea how funny and ironic it is that they are at a bar that goes hand in hand with aliens. But Agent T wasn’t being ironic. He wasn’t being cute. He was being smart. A place with a name like that would put the alien in a comfort zone and his ways and secrets would be more prone to being blurted out. Agent T knows how to control a situation. The bar was a perfect set up. From what I’ve been told, Chris would spill secrets left and right. Not about being an alien. He would and I quote, “brag about his conquering of the [censored].

Remember how I said no one has had much contact with Agent T since he quit? I know I’ve texted him and got the weird reply and others have texted him but only gotten “?????” as a reply. I come to find out that Chris has been talking to Agent T still. It was just a few days ago, Friday in fact, when Chris mentioned that him and Agent T were going to meet at The Flying Saucer for drinks and to catch up. Chris never explained how he got Agent T to come out for drinks but it at least gave us some hope that he still wants to communicate with us and keep ties with us. Chris called us Saturday morning explaining how he wouldn’t be in that night due to personal reasons. That was the last time any of us have heard from Chris. He was due in work Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Each time we call him, it’s like he picks up but there is nothing but a weird, high-pitched static.

Alien Static (click to listen to audio from recent phone call)

We don’t know what is going on with Chris. I know though. This is why I am sharing this bizarre story about aliens and the Men In Black. Chris was detained by Agent T. I don’t know what the reasoning is or why he picked now to be the time. Why did he wait so long to capture Chris when he could have done it months ago? What will become of Chris? Will he be murdered or sent back to his home planet? Will Agent T and his group of secret military scientist perform freaky experiments on his alien corpse? So many questions still. That’s they joy of a conspiracy. When one question is answered, another one arises. Agent T could return but I doubt it. I am letting his secret out on this site. It’s only a matter of time before he gets the internet police to shut down this site and protect the name of the government. We can’t have people thinking the government has secrets. That would be wrong.

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pitweston

I like food. I like the smell of cinnamon.

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