Rules To Being My Wife: Part IV

It’s been a while since I have bestowed upon you, the kind people who visit my blog, the importance of marriage and how I think a marriage should be. I am not an expert in marriage and I don’t know the first thing about it. I say often that I will never get married and I will never plant my seed inside her and bring a little version of me into this crazy and violent world but, I sort of want to get married. Shocking, isn’t? I do want a wife to be there and carry a little me for 9 months. Hopefully it’s a little boy cause if I had a little girl, all my knowledge of being a boy will be of no use. If the time ever comes that I do get married and she accepts my peace-offering, she will need to be fully aware that marriage isn’t just cuddling and talking about nothingness. It’s about being there for me and doing what is right, which is whatever I say. Don’t sass me. I am man. I am husband. I am law. Women’s rights are just as silly as creationism.

If you are new to this blog, welcome. This is part four to my blog about rules to a happy and successful marriage. You can read the other parts here, here, and here. Read them and laugh. Take note. Learn and share.


12. Friends

You may have been the popular girl in high school but after school and after all those petty dances, you’re no more than just an average girl with a tainted past of being the easy girl. You gained so many friends there. Maybe some stayed with you. Maybe some saw through your facade of being the nice girl and knew that you truly were a bitch. Whatever the circumstances were, after high school, you become a nobody. You had to work again for new friends who will accept you for who you are now. These friends are your best friends. You do it all together. You go to the clubs together. You know, that’s really it. I don’t think women do much more than just clubbing before they settle down. Maybe there are a selected few who don’t and have a life but for the purpose of this blog and for a cheap laugh, I’ll just say that single women are just drunken whores looking to score with whomever will drill them like an offshore oil rig.

That's Classy.

That’s Classy.

All your friends better bid you a fond farewell the moment we pile inside our limo. Once that bouquet is tossed and the reception is over, your relationship with those skanks is too. I don’t want to see them around anymore. Those girls are bad for you and for us. They are a virus and will poison you with their single life problems, causing you grief and when you have grief, you’ll bring that shit home and I cannot deal with it. I don’t need a nagging wife. I want a wife who will stay quiet, abide my rules, and accept that past friends are just that, past friends and distant memories.

You may be wondering if I am denying my wife friends. You are correct. My wife will not have friends. I will not allow her to hang out with people who I deem destructive. I don’t want her getting ideas that our marriage is falling apart or be persuaded that I am a poor, sad excuse for a husband. If I can deny her friends and deny her contact with the human world, I can keep her at bay and never have to resort to yanking on that leash to bring the disobedient wife back to me.

If this upsets you, I am sorry. I just feel that when we get married, you shouldn’t be spending time with other people. I think it should be us who spend time together and not having you sneaking off to spend time with whoebags, tramps, and delinquents. If you’re going to be my wife, you better get all those hugs, tears, and woos out before I cut off all ties with your past and the people who made you who you are.

13. Sleeping Conditions

I am going to make this short. I don’t want to spend much time talking about sleeping. I am a peculiar guy. I am not much on the touching and the whole, human contact thing. I have rules to that and certain stipulations that override the ‘no touching’ rule. I am not a freak. People can touch me. I just don’t like it. I have a bubble and if you get too close, it’s pops and I become frantic and will go all Glen Close you.

Better get comfortable. You'll be here a while.

Better get comfortable. You’ll be here a while.

When we get married it will be expected of me to touch you, kiss you, and plow your field. I will do that when we get married and I am sure I will do that well before we say our vows. I will perform the duties of a husband but come bedtime and after said performances are completed, I will be ready for bed and you will be ready for a trek to another area of the house. If I wasn’t clear about it, I am trying to say that we will not share a bed together. Oh, we’ll sleep together but that is just to make a baby or satisfy me when I am shit faced drunk and craving for a little hanky panky. Aside from my drunken nights and the nights I crave some tender love, I will have the bed all to my own. It’s my bed. It’s my sanctuary. It’s my time to relax and dream about a life that is better than the one I chose. We’ll just pretend that all other nights we are fighting and you can retreat to the couch. We will not be sharing a bed like the Brady’s and don’t even try to bribe me with a two bed scenario. Just crawl off to your couch. Better be sure you break that couch in quickly. It’s gonna be your new home.

14. They might be ours but you nurture them

If you read my previous rule about breeding, then you know I am not for kids. But what if the sailor failed with tying the knot? What is one little sperm breaks through and successfully plunders the eggs, sets up shot, and eventually he pops out from you, crying and screaming. An awful fate I don’t want to think of. But mistakes happen. This could and if it does, I need to set up rules for this living and breathing mistake.

I am still undecided on the idea of having kids. I do think it will be exciting to have a little me running around. I hope he doesn’t get my ears. I don’t want my son or daughter getting slack and mad fun of for having satellites for ears. You don’t understand the torment I went through and the years of therapy I should have received from the constant barrage of name calling and ear flicking. I am hoping for a son. I’ll be lost if a girl pops out of you.

When he's 18, let me know. Then I'll help.

When he’s 18, let me know. Then I’ll help.

When a little version of me or a little version of you is yanked from your lady parts, I want nothing to do with it. It’s your job as a mother to tend to the baby and nurture it. Yes, I played a part in the making of the baby but I did what, like a minute of work? You carried that think for nine months. I don’t see why you want to complain about that and use that as some ammunition as to why I should care for our baby, If you can handle nine months of being pregnant and suffer day and night with pains, you can handle taking care of our child for another 18 years. Sorry, ladies. We just make them. We don’t raise them.

I don’t want to change diapers. I don’t want to tuck the little guy or gal in at night. I don’t feed babies and I don’t burp them. Be a good wife and take care of your offspring. I don’t think the creatures in the animal kingdom draw straws when it comes time to wipe the bottoms of their babies. It’s the mother’s job to oversee the growth and the safety of the child. If you do a well enough job, maybe we can make another one. But know that you’ll be doing all the work alone with number two. You did an amazing job with the first child, I don’t want to interfere with our second one. Why wreck a good thing? Don’t let that compliment of being an outstanding mother with a gold star go your head. Know your place and know that being a mother is a job and that my friend is the only job you’ll ever have…aside from cooking, cleaning, and making sure me, your husband, is pleased in every way imaginable.


I hope none of these rules upset you. I want a wife. I want her to be happy. I want me to be happy. The only way I can be happy is to set some rules for the woman who will steal my heart and walk down the aisle with me. Rules are needed to make the world a better place. Without rules, the world will be in chaos and without rules in a marriage, that too will fall apart and eventually it will lead to divorce. Make sure your wife knows her place and be sure she agrees to each rule I have shared with you. I am here not as a chauvinistic pig but as a savior to rocky marriages and disobedient wives.


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