When Deers Attack.

There a many things people worry about when driving. We have bad drivers, drunk drivers, construction, and we have deers. Those pesky animals find it okay to wander into the road and when you’re just trying to make it to work or your daughter’s dance recital, they gallop in your way. If you are lucky enough, you’ll avoid them and avoid having to pick deer fur and flesh from the grill of your car but if you’re not so lucky, you’ll be dealing with more than just that. Those effer’s will turn your high dollar toy into a piece of twisted metal. Maybe a bit extreme. I have been lucky enough to not have that happen to me. I did have a run in with a deer once. It knocked off my passenger mirror. It left me a bit shaken. I am sure the deer felt the same.

I have a new car now. I love 2.0 immensely. Yes. My car is named, 2.0. Why? I am so glad you didn’t ask. Since my old car was a piece of crap and on her last leg, it was time for an upgrade. Since it was an upgrade, she is aptly named, 2.0. I do miss my old car. Nancy was a great car. Maybe she was a bitch (I have always associated the name Nancy with a bitch) but she was my car.

We went through a lot together. Fender benders, speeding tickets, and even a DUI. Here is a  final picture of Nancy.  She was falling apart when I decided it was time to part with her.

The windows didn’t work. The driver’s door couldn’t open. My remote start went kaput. There was rust everywhere. It was time for her and I to part. When you put more money into keeping your car afloat than you did purchasing it, it is time to let it go and move on to greener pastures. Which is what I did.

Nancy and I parted ways and I left the lot with my new car. A beautiful, Honda Accord with more class than me. I love my new car. I keep her clean and treat her better than I treat my friends. While I could go on and on about my new baby, I should really get to the point. I say it enough that when I blog, I ramble and sure enough, I am rambling on about nothing that pertains to the story. I should get to that.

So the story. Deers and cars. I am sure you’ll see where this is going. While I lived at home, I would park in the street. I would have parked in the driveway but with my mother working different hours than me, it was better to park away from her and not have to worry about having to wake her to move her car or vice versa.

We don’t have deers where I live. I have seen them further up the road, usually near a small patch of farm. Not really a farm with goats, sheep, and pigs but a large grassy land that serves no purpose but to take up space from our expanding neighborhood. Plus, I don’t live in the country like some of my online friends assume. I live in a neighborhood, surrounded by houses, one which if I recall was raided by SWAT for a major drug cartel. Maybe I am embellishing the story there but something like that happened a year before we got there. While we didn’t get to watch that unfold, we did get to hear spooky stories about Satanic cults performing human sacrifices in woods near our house. Like I said, I lived in a quiet neighborhood where nothing ever happened…unless you consider SWAT, Satanic Cults, drug cartels, and people being gun down normal, then yes, I lived in a normal neighborhood.

I woke up one morning and I was in the mood for coffee. It may have been something else I was wanting but since I drink a lot of coffee and crave it the moment my feet hit the floor, I am going to guess I was wanting coffee. I walk outside the house and head to my car. I so happened to make a walk around my car and then I noticed the damage. I said about seven words you’re not allowed to say on TV and then went on a rampage screaming one of those seven words over and over again. The back windshield had been damaged.Car Damage

That is the damage. A neighbor sees me outside examining the damage. He offers his condolences. I go inside to tell my mother. She comes out looks at it. It is obvious that someone took a bat to it. I can tell. My mother thought otherwise.

ME: Someone took a bat to my car.

MOTHER: Don’t jump to conclusions like that. Why would you think that?

ME: Cause that is what it looks like.

MOTHER: Maybe it was a deer. I see them all the time up the road.

ME: :facepalm:



Screw you, Bambi

According to my mother, a rouge deer attacked my car. It walked down the street, doing what deers do and when it spotted my car, Bambi decided to be a douche and took his hind leg and smashed my back window in. You may be siding with my mother on this one but I saw no fur around the area. There was no sign of a deer attacking my car. I had an idea of who it was but I still had no way to prove it. My mother blames the deers. She has seen them around and did exclaim that maybe one wandered down our street and somehow attacked my car. WTF, mom! It attacked my car? I know deers are stupid and run into cars on the highway but I have never heard of a deer actually attacking a car, like it is some sort of a revolt or an uprising from the deer community.

People of the internet, listen up! If you have ever had a window bashed in, a deer did it. Deers are uprising and are attacking our vehicles. They are bashing in windows, stealing our stereos, keying our cars, and siphoning our gas. Don’t jump to crazy ideas like a person doing it. People don’t key cars or steal stereos. They are better than that. it is the deers. It is like Planet of the Apes but with deers. They are sick and tired of being hit by cars and watching their loved ones perish on the side of the highway. They are taking matters into their own hands and attacking those responsible for such careless actions. I mean, I did hit a deer once. It is quite possible that it was him, returning to send me a message that they are watching.

it’s that possibility or maybe, just maybe, I pissed someone off enough that they decided to take a bat to my car. I’ll never know.

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