The Rapture Ruins Everything

And to them it was given that they should not kill them, but that they should be tormented five months: and their torment was as the torment of a scorpion, when he striketh a man.


Revelation 9:5

It is depressing to hear that the world is going to end on May 21, 2011. That’s a day a way. While I believed the world was going to end on 09/09/09, it didn’t. I was thankful. I was able to catch Scream 4. The Mayan’s are saying the world is over in 2012. So many conflicting dates, we aren’t really sure what to think of it. But let’s pretend this guy is correct. Let’s pretend that the world is really going to end in less than 24 hours. There are so many things I need to do. There are thinks I want to do and I don’t have much time to do it.

Don’t expect me to stew over the thought of getting married. That is not on my list of things to do before I die. I have said before that I’d die before I get married. Turns out, that could be very well true. What do I really want to put on my bucket list? What do I want to accomplish before the street becomes littered with designer clothes and baggy jeans? Let me share with you how the Rapture is ruining everything. If the world comes to end tomorrow, these are the things I need to complete in just a mere five months. If you can help, please do. Help make my dreams come true. Make me feel like a child getting his wish from the ‘make a dream foundation.”


The world is ending tomorrow. It sucks to know that but we’ll just have to accept it and move on. I am trying to comes to terms with it. You can try all you want to deny it and say I am wrong but I have proof. Click the link here to read about it in the New York Times May 22nd, 2011 issue of its’ paper. The paper doesn’t lie. If it’s on the internet, it’s got to be true. Now, I feel like I need to escape for a bit. I need to take one final vacation before it all comes to an end. What’s better than a grand trip? I have many places I could visit. I could see my brother, I can visit friends in California or Canadia. But there is one place I want to see. I want to see this place before I die.

The Emerald Isle. Why not go the greenish country there is? I want to see a leprechaun. True there are leprechauns in Alabama but it might just be crack head getting a hold of the wrong stuff. It doesn’t even have to be Ireland. It can be anywhere in Europe. Just to say I’ve been to Europe would be good enough for me. But this will not happened. I am too late in planning my trip. I can leave tomorrow morning but I won’t arrive till after the world is gone. Guess the number one thing I want to do on my Judgement Day bucket list is a bust. I guess that dream is crushed.

Ireland Judgement

Knowing that I will never get to visit my dream place, I can always rely on television to comfort me. But at the moment now, this is a bad time to send the Rapture on to us. Many of the shows I watch now are coming to an end for the season. We will have to wait moths before they start back up and bring us back to their world. Since I just watched it the other day, I will discuss the show, How I Met Your Mother. I wasn’t a fan from the get go. I missed about three seasons before I actually starting watching it. I have caught up with the show watching in on local television. We were left with a bombshell for the season finale but that isn’t the reason I will be upset with the Rapture and the world ends in October. Everyone is dying (ha..ha..ha) to know who his wife is. Who is the mother of Justin Russo? When the Rapture hits us tomorrow, you can just say the world is over. True, it’s not over till October but people are going to be gone. Their memories and their clothes will be the only things left behind. We can’t count on Mike Seaver to save us. I am pretty sure I’ll be left behind. While many people are up there cracking jokes and snickering at us left to suffer a terrible fate, I will be burdened with many things. But the most troublesome factor will be, I won’t ever know who Ted’s wife is. Sure there are speculations about it being Barney’s half-sister. But we have yet to meet her. So who knows. I watch the show. I enjoy the show. I don’t want the world to end without knowing who is she. Be thankful the world didn’t end during the Twin Peaks airing. We would have never known who killer Laura Palmer. How I Met Your Mother isn’t a crime show. It’s not  some mystery solving show with hidden with clues as to who the wife is. It’s a show that is told by Future Ted. He’s telling his kids the whole story about how he met their mother. A fun show with a great cast. While there are many other shows I will never know the ending (Will New Directions win Nationals?), this is the cream of the crop. This is one mystery that will be never be solved.

Please, Lord. Don’t be a major buzzkill. If you read my blog, don’t let the world end. Let me know who the wife is. You can just whisper it into my ear. I won’t tell anyone. We’ll take more about this later when I am standing at the gates. Since all my favorite shows are now on hiatus. Even some of my favorite shows have already gone the way of the Rapture (Lie to Me, V, The Cape), I have nothing much to look forward to. What about vacation from work? But with the Rapture, you’ll be free to do whatever. No one is going to work. We’ll all be to busy repenting. I won’t be doing that. I will find a way to work. I have a saying.

I will miss my own funeral.

That’s how dedicated I am to my job. I will find a way to work even when the Rapture ruins what the man in the cloud gave us. He giveth and he taketh. Guess you can call God an Indian Giver. I will work. But I too need a vacation. And since I won’t be getting an everlasting vacation in the clouds (via Rapture), I will need some sort of break from my job.I am still holding on to 3 weeks of vacation. Don’t cheat me out of that. You know I need it. That’s 120 hours times my wage. That is a lot of money. Maybe not ‘professional smoker‘ wages but it’s a lot of money to me. People may argue that I won’t need the money after the world ends. Who knows what type of currency the world will switch to after our money becomes obsolete. I am more angry over the fact that I won’t get those 3 weeks to do absolutely nothing. I am not the only one losing out on well needed time off. Think of all the kids just getting out school or those about to. You’re taking away their summer vacation. They studied hard, did their homework, held off on shooting up schools and that’s how you repay them? You really are a prick. But to the kids that go to year round schools, I bet you’re jumping with some sort of jubilation. You’re sticking it to the man. You’ll be out of school…for good. No more homework, no more books. No more teacher’s dirty looks.

After the Rapture, I will have plenty of time to do things. I know I will be able to write more. I will have all the time in the world or what’s left of it. But what fun is writing if no one else can experience what you thought up? I wrote a book. I wrote in back in early 2000. I never got it published. I never edited it. I never even tried to do any of it. It seems that with our impending doom drawing closer, we all want to do the things we said we would but were always to afraid to do. I feel like I should get cracking on my novel and get it out there. I always say I will get back to it but I never do. I am the king of procrastination. I just wish God was too. “Oh…the Rapture? Yeah, I’ll do it tomorrow.”

I can blame me not going forth and getting the book out there and anything but I am the only one to blame. It is up to me to take that leap and get my story out there. The job is in my hands. It’s always been in my hands. It is my responsibility to go out there and get my book in the hands of publishers. Let’s say I do that. What is the use? I can’t get it sent out today and in the hands of someone tomorrow. You will kill my dream of being a successful, published writer. What’s that? Oh, no. Don’t try to cheer me up and tell me my blog is some sort of success in the world of publishing. Anyone can have a blog. My novel is about religion. Doesn’t that give me some leeway? I mean I am spreading the good news. My news is fiction. It’s made up, kind of like the whole Mormon faith. I write many stories. I wrote craptastic poems but none have been published. I can’t even try to make the attempt to do so now. It sucks being a procrastinator. I wait till the last-minute for everything. I actually waited till the end of the world to try to do everything. I don’t have enough time.

Maybe instead of blogging, you can use this time to get that book out there…

I knew you were going to say that. But blogging is much simpler and I don’t have Grammar Nazi’s breathing down my neck for spelling errors. But the world is done for. There will be only one book people will reach for. Read it all you want, folks. If you’re here and naked people are frolicking in heaven, nothing you do after the Rapture will change. We’re screwed. It just proves that I can’t and won’t try to get my book out there. Then again, my book is a like the Bible. It’s about Good vs. Evil, sinners, and it too is a work of Fiction.

Besides writing, my other joy in life is Halloween. It’s like a drunk girl at a bar. You just have to take full advantage of it. Don’t hold back and savor in the moment of that one night. I do my best to make each year better than the next. I have an awesome costume planned this year and now there is no point to continue with this endeavor. We have the Rapture tomorrow and after that, it’s months of chaos. The world is ending in October. It is ending on the 21st. That’s ten days before the greatest holiday ever. Now I will never get go out and party with the costume that I think will be better than everything I have ever came up with. Now with God deciding to cancel Earth mid-season, I should send a thank you card to him. I should tell him thanks for ruining one of the things I look forward to every year. You’re crushing my dreams.

When the Rapture falls onto us, I don’t want it to be something simple. I want chaos. When the world ends, I have one dream. I want to see zombies. I want to join a team of survivors and fend off the undead. I have plans. I have a safe house already planned. I am forming a team already. But who knows who will still be around after the Lord taketh away some of my merry men or merry women. We need everyone we can get to stop the zombies from ruling the world. I know I won’t last very long when they do rise up but I want to be around long enough to have a cheesy montage of us galloping around an empty mall. You have to admit, that will probably be the only upside to the remaining people stuck to deal with the fiery damnation we will endure. If they can all have fun up above, why not give us what we all want. Don’t deny it. I know everyone wishes to partake in a zombie uprising and the banding together of survivors to uphold some sort of order before the world takes its final breath on the morning of October 21st, 2011.

Tomorrow at six, we will all find out if he is right. The dark cloud is looming over all of us. We just have to wait and see if it rains. Keep your fingers crossed and pray that it doesn’t. If the ground shakes tomorrow, then we are doomed. If you’re a praying man, I suggest you start now. If you pissed off God, you better make peace. If you personally know him, talk to him. See if he can hold off for a while. Buy him a beer or offer him some virgins. Does our God accept virgins too? I hope he’s up for taking bribes. If not, we’re effed. If you’re one of the lucky ones, congrats. You’re welcome to join my ragtag team of survivors to fight of the horde of the undead. If you’re not lucky, then I’ll see you in Hell. No need to worry about saving me seat. I am already being offered the throne.

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