I’m Fooling the Devil

I am still being visited by the Evil Mormon Elders. They are still on their mission to collect my soul. It seems that the Devil is getting pretty angry over this. He’s ready to get my soul and add it to his collection. If I don’t fend off these Evil Elders, my soul will be on the mantle mixed with the souls of other sinners. I cannot cave and let them take it from me. I have to fool them. I have to do anything to trick them. If I can somehow get these Mormons off my back, I’ll be okay. I’ll be safe and go back to sinning and avoiding the Devil’s next ploy at collecting my dark and tainted soul.

I was visited by the Evil Mormon Elders last week. They came once again with lies and promises of ‘salvation’ and ‘redemption’. No thanks! I know your real purpose. I figured it out. I know that you aren’t missionaries of God. You aren’t members of the Latter-day Church. Your church is evil and your bible reeks of demons, satanic rituals and I am pretty sure it is written in the blood of sacrificed virgins and non-believers. I worry about my fate. I worry about the fate of my soul. I should have never offered my soul to get rid of the Lazy Laundriers. I was stupid. I didn’t think before I yelled out my plea for their demise. Sure enough, the devil listened and took the Lazy Laundriers out. I was now in his hands and sooner or later, he’ll come a knocking for my soul.

I thought the Boston Pops were here to take my soul to Hell. But they weren’t. They were good people. They were sent by God to protect me and fend off the evilness that is poisoning the complex. Satan and his merry men used their evil magic to send the Boston Pops away. They were my protection. They were the people protecting me from the evilness I brought upon myself. Without them, I am doomed. With them gone, I am fair game. The Mormons are still bothering me with promises of grandeur and everlasting salvation. That’s all fine and dandy but it’s not true. They are using their evil powers to weasel their way into my brain and hope to finally coax me into joining them and the other evil mormon elders in the fiery pit of Mormon Hell. No, I am not going. I need to find a way to get them off my back. What can I do to trick the Mormons into thinking, that I am not the droid they are looking for. What brilliant idea can I regular joe like me come up with to fool the Evil Mormon Elders into leaving me alone and have them move on to another sap that isn’t familiar with their Satanic, virgin sacrificing ways. I figured the only way to get these boys off my back was to do something extreme. I dyed my hair. Yes, I dyed my golden locks of blondness to become what people know only as, soulless bastards. I dyed my hair red. I become what the world fears and mocks. I became a ginger and hoped that this ruse I was playing would trick the Evil Mormon Elders into a state of awe and they would depart and then I will finally be free from their pestering and their constant poking and prodding to collect the soul that their master desires. When the Evil Mormon Elders came to my door and saw the red hair, I sensed fear in them. They were confused. If I am a ginger, what are they even doing talking to me? What are they trying to collect? I have no soul. There is no need to continue your mission or your plan to collect my soul. I am a ginger. I am a redhead. I am what the world fears. Without a soul, you have nothing to collect. I am safe. I have tricked the devil. He’ll finally back off and know that there is no soul to collect and I will once again be free from his pestering and his plans to make me a minion of Hell.

It worked for a while. They didn’t want to visit me. They kept having other plans. I offered them to come over and teach me more about the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith but they wouldn’t have it. The said they had other plans. I assume they were conversing with Satan about me and my newly, dyed hair. They wanted nothing to do with me. It was the gingerness. I felt safe. I was going to be okay. I just needed to keep this charade up longer and hopefully, they will give up and assume that my gingerness is infinite and my soul is gone. They’ll never get it. Satan will never collect it. I will be okay. I’ll be fine. I tricked the Devil and I lived to tell the tale.

Well…I thought so. I thought I tricked him. I thought I was going to be okay. I am just a mere mortal. I am not a fallen angel nor am I a demon like Satan and his Evil Mormon Elders are. They can persuade me to be anything. They can get me to fall and reveal that my gingerness is nothing more than a con to rid myself of them and their numerous attempts at taking away my soul that, well, does belong to Satan. But I am not giving it up. I will not let him have it. I tried the dying of the hair. While it worked for a while, I ended up shaving it off. I don’t remember why I did. I just remember waking up with no hair. Did they contact the witch? Did she put a spell on me to get me to shave off the ginger force field? Whoever it was, I am now bald. I am no longer and a ginger and the very next day after the shaving, the Evil Mormon Elders contacted me via text asking when we can meet up next. How is that for strange? Someone got me to reveal the ginger life I was leading was fake. They wiped it away and now, being bald and without an ounce of gingerness in me, I am fair game and Satan will get my soul.

I feel I am meant for great things. I feel that God wants me to stay alive. I don’t know what my purpose is but it must be important. The day after my hair was shaved, I saw a couple walking into the empty apartment next to me. The man looked like those homeless vets you see on the side of the highway. His daughter or whatever she is, she probably is known for her extracurricular sexcapades. Judging my the markings on her back, she may be the spawn of one of my old neighbors, Tramp Stamp. I am a very good judge of character.

But who are they? Are they just a couple of nobodies looking for a new start or are they demons on a mission to do what the Evil Mormon Elders cannot? Whatever the case, it cannot be good. I think the devil is sending in more minions to keep me from escaping. Things are falling apart. My life is about to crumble. I will soon lose my soul and then I will be a mindless zombie doing the bidding of Satan. With the return of the Mormons and Satan now hell-bent on getting my soul, I wonder why the Samoans haven’t lifted a finger to protect me. Could I have been wrong about them? Are they also working with Satan? Time will tell. I just hope the people who move in aren’t soul collectors.

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I like food. I like the smell of cinnamon.

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