Food Eat You! Getting Drunk

Written by: JRatio on June 26, 2010.

Going out on the piss, or getting wasted are pass times which the UK and USA hold very dear to their hearts; and toilet bowls depending on the success. England and America are very different in their sloshed up choices of cuisine following a sophisticated night of grog swilling and shot tipping.

The USA has many options for late night dining; however, the most popular choices I’ve shared in my 8 years of Americana life is the late night taco stand. In the UK our choice seems to be the beloved Turkish kebab. How do they compare?

Appearance:

Team USA:

USA and the UK both have adopted other country’s to provide their post binge meal. The Late Night Taco stand does deliver! The Taco with deep fried tortilla, filled with lettuce, cheese, seasoned ground beef and tomatoes looks like (gutter minds!) a folded personal pizza. Perfect hand held cuisine without the need for potentially dangerous plastic utensils.

4 Jaeger bombs out of 5

Team England:

The Donner Kebab is very similar to a taco. The key differences are the meat is in strips, there are often not any tomatoes, but it is usually swimming in Chili and/or garlic sauce. All of this is stuffed deep inside warm toasty pita bread.

3 Bitter shandies out of 5

Taste:

Team USA:

Tacos are the perfect food for bachelors and piss heads alike. Has a bit of cheese, sour cream, spice, meat and veg, and all of the components are small ;which becomes a major plus later on.

5 Amaretto Sours out of 5

Team England:

In no uncertain terms, I personally find Doner kebabs f***ing disgusting when sober… but when drunk… oooh, very nice. A typical Doner contains Lamb meat, oily, greasy, strips of lamb meat. I can’t begin to describe the lamb meat’s taste, you either know it, or don’t. I have a very biased hate of lamb; though when drunk, I am idiotic enough to use way too much garlic and chili sauce to obliterate any of its flavor. You can alternatively choose a chicken kebab, but fried chicken is another extreme hate of mine. The taste of the salad, and pita and sauce is decent however, and the meat does work when the taste buds are skewed with cigarette smoke and alcohol.

3 Irish car bombs out of 5

Texture:

Team USA:

Tacos are crunchy, with a warm oily and meaty softness within. The cool cheese and sour cream really makes the taco a plethora of textures.

5 Sombreros out of 5

Team England:

Kebabs are similar to the above, except the pita bread is softer and doughier than the taco shell.

4 Pints of foaming nut brown ale out of 5

Practicality:

Team USA:

When we are drunk, we are not the best at coordination. Tacos are hand held food, but with open ends, one mistimed bite can shoot out meat and fillings causing potential drunken brawls.

2 Fuzzy Navels out of 5

Team England:
The kebab fairs slightly better, as the filling is contained by pita at the sides, however, when drunk one tends to get way too much sauce and can risk shirt fouls. However, most kebab to shirt related injuries are caused to the eater, so the risk of drunken brawl is much less.

3 Blue Aftershocks out of 5

Aftermath:

Team USA:

The Ingredients of a taco are much smaller and particle than that of a kebab. If you are a competent chewer and not a gulper, thus breaking down the tack shell, the post piss up puke fest is much less stressful with a taco. Beware the tomatoes however, these can get stuck up your nose.

3 I’m Never Drinking Again Confessions out of 5

Team England:

As previously mentioned, the meat in strips is a potential disaster when needing to puke. The grease ratio of the meat also guarantees a puke after much alcohol, yet add better throat lubrication. All the ingredients are soft in Kebabs, but the amount a subject chews their food leaves much greater potential for painful nasal passage breeches as well as the possibility of lamb meat half out of your mouth and stuck in your throat.

2 Why does someone always sing Robbie William’s Angles drunk at the Karaoke nights out of 5

The Final Result:

Team USA: 16/25

Team England: 13/25

So it’s official! The Tex Mex late night pain train of pissed up pecking is packing a greater punch than the greasy grizzled up grass munching lamb monster of great proportions, the Doner. If your English folks visit the USA and go out partying; make sure you visit the “Mom and Pop” taco stand or restaurant, except taco bell. Taco Bell is as appealing as a rusty knife when drunk and will give you more than puke to worry about.

MMM... Lamb... >.<