Tag Archives: SoaP

How I Spent My Vacation: Part Jaun

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I am a workaholic. I have always been this way. I find more joy being at work than sitting at home doing nothing. My days off aren’t anything amazing. A normal day off consist of me either sitting on the couch watching movies or sitting at my computer fiddling with twitter, facebook, or my blog. When I am at home, I think about work. I wonder what jobs aren’t being completed. I wonder what chaos I will walk into the next day. There never really is. Things run smooth without me there but I beg to differ. No matter how perfect the day went, I’ll still find something wrong. I’ll complain, “I should have been here. If I was here, this would have gotten done.” It’s just how I am. I hate to say but I love work.(?) How many people love work?

The last time I took a vacation was back in March. It wasn’t for rest and relaxation. I was in the process of moving and having a week is better than trying to move all in one or two days. Work is pretty busy. We service a total of five schools for their lunch. The total number of kids was 1800. Since we recently renewed, the total number is 2200, give or take a few. Since it is the summer, the kids are out. That means we get a break too. It was a well needed break for everyone. We did a bang up job with these new accounts. Sure we had our share of goofs but it’s expected. We came out champions. So with these schools being out, it meant we’re on vacation too. Holy hell! I thought I was out of school. It’s summer vacation all over again!

Week after week, employees were taking their well needed vacation. Being the true go-getter I am, I held off. Honestly, I was trying my best to avoid it at all cost. I didn’t feel the need for me. Two days off is fine with me. Hell, even one day off is fine. It gives me time to do laundry (if I could gain access to the laundry room), clean house, or if I had to, run errands. Sadly, I was “forced” to take vacation. If I had the chance, I wouldn’t have taken it. But, I did.

I had no desire to leave town. I just wanted to stay home and be a recluse. I had a few rules.

Rule 1: I cannot have people over.

Rule 2: No twitter, no facebook, no blogging.

Rule 3: Don’t answer the phone. Don’t text.

Rule 4: Don’t leave the house for any reason.

These were and are very simple rules. I mean, look at them. They are easy. I can do these. I have will power. I have the strength of twenty, no! Twenty-one men! It was going to be hard to do it. But I have to put my foot down. Shut the world off. Show them I don’t need to human contact to survive. After I left work on Sunday, I went home. I showered and took a small nap. I went back to the bar (54th street) to meet up with some people. Of the three, only one made it. One had to make it to the hospital. The other basically effed me over. I am not upset. I still drank. We chatted. We laughed. We left. I went home and watched some TV. I had a few drinks and watched True Blood. I headed to bed shortly after. It’s strange. You’d think I would stay up all hours because I didn’t have to work. But my body was and is still set on the normal bedtime schedule. I closed my eyes. It was the start of 7 days of doing nothing..

Monday:

I woke up Monday around 8am. Since this is my vacation, I rolled back over and slept till about 1pm. I will admit. It was nice doing that. I didn’t have to worry about getting up at 5am or 6am. I looked at the clock and said, “eff it. I’ll sleep more. I got all week to do things.” That was nice. I really enjoyed that. Like I said, I got myself out of bed at around 1pm. I get out of bed. My phone was turned off the night prior. I really wanted to keep it off but I use my phone for music. I can’t play the stereo in my apartment. The Ghost of Carlos gets angrier than Bruce Banner. It’s annoying. I cannot play the stereo. I can’t play music though my computer. He pounds on the ceiling telling me to turn it off.  I turned my phone on and took a nice hot shower. Oh, look. I have a text and a phone call. It was work. I swore that I wouldn’t answer or reply but I said earlier, I am a work addict. It was my manager. He wanted me to call. It must be urgent. Lord, this place cannot run without me. I get a phone call from work almost every day. It’s stupid crap too.

Hi. Can you not bother me? Use your damn brain and figure it out.

I know I say I am a workaholic. But it gets tiresome when you get a call every night. Let me have one night off. That’s all I am asking.

I answered his question and went about my way to do nothing. Rule 3 is broken. Guess that’s okay. I still have three left. I noticed I had no food. I planned on buying food on Friday but I went out drinking. Didn’t do it Saturday or Sunday cause again, I drank. I even had a water bill to pay. The bill isn’t late. I just wanted to get food and pay the bill before I went into hiding. So I traveled to the grocery store (not the one I work at) and purchased some food for the following week. I got home and put all the food away. Allah Dammit! Broke another rule. That’s rule 4. Okay. Two out of four isn’t bad. It’s strange having a fridge with more than just beer in it. I had to pinch myself just to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. To be sure that I actually purchased food for me to eat. No Golden Arch of the King this week. I have real food! Eff you, fast food! You lose this round.

I sat at home and watched some movies. I love Netflix. I watched, “The Boondocks Saints II” and a craptastic movie titled, “Townies”. Townies was bizarre. All I can remember from what I watched was a man peeing on a chick to cleanse her. There was also a mute gal who kidnapped a boy and a dumpster driver who found a dead body and made love to it. I quickly jumped to IMDB to look it up. I was surprised to see it was made recently. From looking at it, I thought it was from the early 80’s. Whatever. It was horrible. Don’t watch it. I was hoping for it to be like, “Freaks“. Now, that is a movie you should watch.

Gooble Gobble…

When the night came, I enjoyed some alcohol. A friend texted me. Crap. I’ll respond. She ended up calling me. After our call, I drank more then headed off to bed. What a fine start to a wonderful week.

Tuesday:

Tuesday, I woke up earlier. It was up about 6am. I made a cup of coffee and turned on the television. A Robin Williams stand up was on.  Here’s a clip. Funny crap.

I watched that.  I then spent the next 3 hours of my day working on a excel spreadsheet for work. That was a pain in the rear. My old manager created it. He was a whiz at Excel. I don’t know jack about it. After finishing it, I noticed I ruined the formulas he set within the documents. So I had to manually cut and paste them all back in. From what I can tell, I did it just fine. But who knows. We’ll find out when we order for the first time. Again, I love work. I offered to work on the file many weeks ago. I just never got around to it.

After I finished it, I emailed it back to him. A triumph for me. I rewarded myself with some video games. I recently downloaded “Civilization: Revolutions” for the iPhone. It was free, courtesy of “Free App A Day”. I dusted off my xbox and played some it. I played more and more. My brother called me. We talked. I did some laundry. I ended up doing it all throughout the night. I started late. Eventually, I turned it off and drank. I sat at my computer and browsed the web. Do you know how hard it is to not use twitter, facebook, or any other social networking site when you normally use it umpteen times a day? Pretty damn hard.  I love to social network. My brother and I, along with some of his friends, had an idea to use social networking as a viral media tool. It never got off the ground. Be nice if we could get it running. I think it was a fantastic idea. To keep me busy, I’d get on yahoo and then go about and click and click, till I end up on sites I never knew about. The same friend from the night before texted me and we replied messages that really shouldn’t be said by anyone. I cannot and will not repeat what we wrote to each other. It was just banter between to grown adults. But wow. I had to take a shower after the things we wrote. I finished my last beer and took myself to bed.

Wednesday:

I woke up to finish off my laundry. I started my morning with a cup of coffee and watching some HBO documentary about the McCain/Obama election. It was ‘wow’. There are some people in the south who are still living in the wrong era. It was a great documentary. I don’t know where I sit on the fence. I don’t know if I am more republican, democrat, or liberal. I agree on views on each side. But to watch these people who support McCain, they are the worst people I have ever seen. I voted for Obama. Do I think I doomed the country for what i did? No. I just agree with his views on things more than McCain’s views. This isn’t a blog about my political views. This is a blog about how I spent my vacation. Sorry about going off track. After the show, I went to Bob Evans. This was my second time leaving the house.  I was sort of forced into going. I mean, it’s Bob Effin’ Evans! I can’t pass that up. Besides, it was my mom’s turn to buy.  I get home and play some video games. I made some lunch and got an email from work. Oh, look more questions. I love work. He agreed I have a problem. But it’s cool. It’s what I love. I finish up another project. I found myself sweeping and cleaning the laundry room. I have to say, it is wonderful to not have the lazy laundriers living next door anymore. Full freedom!  I browse the web again and come across a movie called, “Exam”. It’s on Indemand!? Let me look! Awesome! I’m watching this. It was a good movie. The reviews I read were split. Some hated it. Some loved it. Don’t care what they think. People hated, “Snakes on A Plane“. Some people don’t know what a good movie is. Watch it.

8 people are trying out for this amazing job. They enter a room with no windows. The room has 8 desks. On each desk is a sheet of paper and a pencil. They are give a few rules. They are told to answer the question. The turn over the sheet of paper and it’s blank.

That is the beginning of my vacation. I’ll post the rest shortly.

Explain these to me.

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People say dreams have deep meanings. I know some do and I know some just mean nothing. Why not you be the judge and let me know if these might mean anything. Take a stab.

Dream 1: The Pancakes (Sorry. I had just woken up. I wanted to make sure I didn’t forget this dream)

Dream 2: The Car Ride

My sister, Erin and I are reviewing movies using Sprite cans. One of the movies we are reviewing stars, Robert DeNiro and he’s chasing himself. There is some software for reviewers to enter in all kinds of information, such as, actors, production company, producers. It’s kind of like IMDB. Then there is a car following me. It looks pretty beat up. Ben Affleck is in the car with two kids. He looks fat. I start yelling at him about auditions for Hollywood Land. Okay, so now we are at church and I am walking in, smoking. My oldest brother is yelling at me about changing it to, Santa Monica. Now I am in a car with my sister and my brother. I am lying under some blankets. I get a text from someone named, Snowy. There are from the area code, 416. I asked my sister where 416 is from and she says, “it’s one above me.” Now I see Samuel L. Jackson rehearsing for Snakes On A Plane. It cuts to a new scene. Then to a new one with some military people. Some gal is leaving but a guy stops her. Erin speaks up saying he died in some movie, (forgot what movie she said) But the guy was looking at a shooting star and died. Someone called Target. They are all, “We’re by Hy-vee. No, wait! We’re over here!” So I decide to run and meet up with these Target people. I was really, running fast. I am then at this road and it is covered in grilled cheese sandwiches, lined up all nice like on the side f the road. I grab and eat two of them I see a lake of twigs in front of me I run over those and now I am in front of Blockbuster Video. Then I scream, “Eff me! I forgot my car” I am looking around for someone that knows me. I see this guy behind the counter, but what was odd is like in my head (real head, not dream me) I am trying to think of where I know him) We say hello to each other. I see Xbox systems laying about. I never make it home.

Dream 3: LeVar Burton (this is all I wrote down. I have no idea what it really means)

Levar Burton is bartender. Land in area. I hide
in garage. Jump in old car start without keys act like I did. Big hill.
Tanks army baseball hail. I hide under cement.

Dream 4: Work
At store buying smokes. Try to sell to old classmates. Sam and Greg My sister buys them from me. I put on fishbowl shoes. Made
of glass.

At store buying running shorts with sister. A scrabble hat is in a big
sink. Guy asks me a question. I tell him ” just mad cause Quincy Adams
isn’t listed. ” guy agrees.

At work trying to talk to grind that came in. Keep helping customers.
Lady orders BBQ pork, augs, idk what else. Manager calls me over.  Gal at work
brings lots of BBQ brisket.  I make a joke.  Brittany or maybe joanna tell me they arent going on catering.
Matt there.  idk why but an old grade school classmate is. Sitting with guy. ANC kid. Mike missing
thumb.  Works at crab pier. Phil worked at car dealership. Called queen. Other
kid there not sure who. Talked about Phil. I keep picturing Andrew and I was
thinking about a yahoo message I got from him. Howie?

At work. Sock is ripped in back. I notice in cooker. I worry
if customers noticed. I see a male customer (tall kid, slim, glasses,
mustache). A guy customer yells at him, “you’re a girl doing a mans
job!”. I am wearing a wife beater cause my chef coat is over by
shoulder. Ringing up salad. It’s weighed but I don’t have code to ring
up. I call ext. 135 but takes a few tries. I call him but someone else
is on it too. I tell him to wait while I use another phone (one phone
looks like thermometer).  he hangs up. I wave him over, ask for code but
says not to worry.  Just give it to her for free. She appears to be a
regular by way they said hello. I am voiding it. Reg tape gets jacked
up. She says shell be in July 4th weekend. Reg tape has a wanted pic of
George wright but photo is of a girl.

Dream 5: Monster

Grandpa top of head cut off. House blows up.

Alien invasion. Wooden bridge- people die horribly. Tossed around.
Try to stop. Turn key, powerful wind turbine starts and chops them up.

Monster created bit by bit. Guy killed. And killer attaches guys bones
to his body make stronger.

Dream 6: Abortion

High profile people kidnapped.They are tortured for what they do or supported. Become dolls. Man does abortion. Pulled through shards of woods with wires.

I felt like sharing these.

How Did I Effin’ Forget This!?

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soapHow on earth did I not put this on my top ten action movies!? It is my all time favorite movie. I shouldn’t really say, “all time favorite”. Saying that will just put the whole purpose of a top ten list to rest. There would be no reason for it. It is up there as one of my all time favorite movies. Sure the movie is campy, sure it’s not a blockbuster movie or close to being “Citizen Kane”. But come on? It’s Snakes. On a effin’ plane! Take two things people fear the most and mash it together. Some folks fear zombies and planes. No need to worry. They covered that too! Both movies were great. I was psyched for this movie (SoaP) well before it ever came out. There was a site, (www.snakesonablog) that kept all fans informed about news, parodies, and his mission to get to the premire.  deadplane

Snakes on a Plane starred Samuel L. Jackson as, FBI Agent Neville Flynn.  He was transporting a passenger to California to testify in a case against crime boss, Eddie Kim. The witness, Sean, is the only one who can put Eddie away for life. Kim cannot have that. He devises a plane to keep Sean from talking. Flight Pacific Air 121 is loaded with passengers. We have the sex crazed, put smoking youngsters, the “Paris Hilton” type chick,  rapper, 3 G’s (He can make your booty go thump) and his posse, the angry business man, the sexy foreign single mother and baby,  the newlyweds on their flight back to the California, a kickboxing champion, and a couple of kids traveling without their parents. The stewardesses help make the cast a well rounded group. Claire is quitting and moving on to bigger and better things. Grace is retiring, but had to give it one more go. Ken is the only male steward on board. Him and his girlfriend are big fans of kickboxing. He tries to show his moves to the kickboxing champ but hurts himself in the process. Tiffany is the last flight attendant. She’s all hot for Sean. She sneaks up to see him, assuming he’s a felon, being transported by the feds. There, she finds out he’s to testify against Kim.

The flight takes off. Flynn walks around the cabin, checking on things. He runs into Claire who isn’t to happy about them comadeering the plane. After a brief encounter and a quick understanding, they become instant friends. 3 G’s spots Mercedes (Paris Hilton chick). He quickly offers her a role in his next video. The flight hits the point of no return and then, the real action starts. Deep below in the cargo hold, a timer reaches zero and the door to a large crates busts open, releasing hundreds of venomous snakes. The pot smoking couple, decide to join the mile high club and sneak off into the bathroom. Inside, they light up a joint, yanking out the smoke detector. Unbeknownto them, slithering above them, is a deadly viper. We are treated to snake night vision. We follow the snake as he makes his way to the open hole in the bathroom.He hangs above them, before he drops and sinks his fangs into the women voluptuous breasts. Panic insues. Outside, Grace and Ken hear them. “Oh, he’s good.” Then silence. She scoff and adds, “well, maybe not that good.” They continue on, totally oblivious to what really happened inside.

The snakes continue to slither around the plane, sneaking in purses, barf bags, going up dresses and hiding beneath passengers seats. Inside the pilots cabin, co-pilot, Rick fends off a snake that found its way to the controls. The pilot meets an untimely death, while trying to fix a mechanical issues below deck. Before long, Rick is scared to find more snakes slithering about the controls. He grabs a clipboard and beats the snakes. Unfortunately, he hits a button and releases the oxygen masks. With no other way to go, the snakes begin dropping down, falling on the passengers. Panic fills the plane. People begin getting bit and bit some more. From that point on, we see some passengers, meet their untimely end. But the others have one way out. His name is, Samuel L. Jackson. He tazors snakes, grabs them with his hands and beats them, and some, he just tosses about like rubber toys. The movie started with a PG-13 rating but fans wanted more. Jackson is known for his love of the phrase, “mother f**ker”. With a lot of asking and nagging, David Ellis, director of 3 of the Final Destination films, went back and added, more gore, nudity, and that phrase we all wanted to hear.

The movie created such an online buzz, it was popular well before the movie even came out. DC Lugi, created spoofs about the movie. One of my favorites is, “Early SoaP Auditons”. We’re treated to some great impressions like, Robert DeNiro and Christopher Walken. Even, musical group, Cobra Starship got in on the act and released a song just for the movie. God, that song is great. Everyone got in on the act. People created cafepress shirts. I bought two. Hell, I had to. I had to show my support for the epic movie. I do have an offical shirt and hat. A soapmanfriend attended the annual Comic Con and snagged me a set. I was crazy about this movie and mentioned it where ever I went. I went opening night.

The movie means a lot to me. I’ve seen it at least two dozen times and will make it four dozen times before 2010 is up. Should I claim this as my number one movie? Should I have said this was my all time favorite action flick? I don’t know. It is a great movie but now that I think about it, Die Hard, Wanted, Terminator, and all the others, have more action than SoaP had. Maybe SoaP will be lucky enough to spawn a sequel. Will it happen? Not likely. But one can dream.

I highly reccomand you see this movie. I have seen movies way cornier than this. Movies with worst acting and a terrible plot. Those movies could be better if they had Samuel L. Jackson. He’ll make any movie a hit.

And now, some music!