Zombie Hunger Games

We all fear what will happen on the 21st of December this year. Depending on the election turning out like last year, we could be faced with the return of Obama. Many people believe he is the anti-Christ but still it cannot be proven. What about Planet X or a meteor crashing into our beloved planet? There is no telling what will bring civilization to its’ knees. I still believe the world is going to be overrun by zombies. Yes, just like AMC’s The Walking Dead – just with the exception of Carl running off.
Naysayers will blow their own horn and try to rationalize with people who if the zombie outbreak was to actually occur, the zombie would “die” out and all the hopes and dreams of people like me who dream of fighting zombies will fade away like the fall line up NBC. But I still believe that when December 21st hits and the Mayan’s laugh about it, we’ll all be subjected to the uprising of the undead and the hysteria that will soon follow.

So we are looking at a zombie infested planet? Awesome! Really, it is. I know that when the zombies come, I will be ready. I already have my plan of action set and when people try to ruin what I have studied, I will gladly feed them to the undead. Will I feel bad when they are eaten alive by the decomposing walkers? No and you know why? Cause that mother trucker scoffed at me and said the zombie apocalypse wasn’t going to happen. Guess what? You’re getting eaten and I am enjoying a delicious bag of sour patch kids. Sucks to be you. I have a list of people I want with me when this all happens. I know people who are well-trained in weapons. People who can fix cars, hand to hand combat, and I know former strippers. Cause I think a stripper would come in handy when I need comfort or something else to take my mind off the end of the world. A lap dance from a failed grad student makes anyone happy. Do not ask me if you can join my group. This is not an open invitation to people. This is my Ricktatorship. You go find your own group. Look, I am sorry that you cannot join my group. I just don’t have room for more people. The more people who are tagging along is more dangerous than you’d think. Fewer people means less bickering and less mouths to feed. I say that just to make myself sound nice but this is the real reason why I can’t allow more people to tag along with our band of misfits. I just really don’t like people. Seriously! I don’t like people. I f**king hate them. Mainly strangers. You can try to convince me otherwise but I will always shiver and cringe at the sight of an unknown person. I will always be like this and there is no changing that. I am going off topic. Just know that I will not let you join my amateur platoon. I’d rather be lunch to a walker before I open my arms to you and your group of survivors. It’s a dog eat dog world. Get your own group. Move along and leave us be.

Crap. I did it again. Back on topic…I have my own idea for the zombie apocalypse. If the world goes to Hell in a hand basket before things can be contained, then my first scenario will happen. We’ll be fighting zombies and living in a mall like they did in Dawn of the Dawn. But if my dreams of living in a post-apocalyptic zombie world doesn’t work out and the government takes action quickly, this is how I see it playing out. It’s not as exciting as fighting zombies but it will secure your safety and mine. It will keep us all safe and we don’t have to worry about waking up to see grandma or grandpa shuffling about ready to snack on their offspring’s brains. Also, it will be some great entertainment.

We create our own Hunger Games with zombies. Now I haven’t read the books because I rather not read crap and I haven’t seen the movie either. Not because I haven’t had the time but because I assume the movie is just as craptastic as the book is. Trust me on movies. I know good movies. I’ve seen The Human Centipede. So we put people against zombies. Fight to the death. They will need to fight for survival. But we don’t just do this with normal, 9 to 5 workers. We do this with people who deserve it. No, not the Kardashians. We put the entire American criminal community against the undead. Think of it as The Hunger Games meets No Escape. Those people don’t deserve to live. Hard criminals who are in for murder and people who touch kids will get first class tickets to the arena to live in a world of zombies and solitude. Don’t even try to call that inhumane!  They killed people. Those mofos deserve to die. It’s an eye for an eye. Letting them sit in a prison and spend life with recess and free meals is bullpoop. My idea is perfect. Let me explain this a little more and I bet by the time I am finished with this post, you’ll also be rooting for the government to put this idea in motion on December 22nd, 2012.

I know I wish for an all out war in the states between us and zombies. I wish to wake up tomorrow and see fires, dead bodies, and complete chaos. It is wishful thinking. But there are people and groups that already know about the zombies. When the zombies rise up, the government will be ready. They already know it is going to happen and they are already prepared for this event. But the infection and the attacks will be way out of their control and while they CDC will detain the outbreak, the number of zombies will be massive. You will be looking at over 10,000 zombies running wild in the states. It just won’t be a local outbreak. Zombies will be rising from the dead all over the Earth. Each country will be fending them off and while some countries will be able to handle the dead, other places will not. Smaller countries will be gone and the population will be nothing. We will help out those we can. We can’t help everyone. I should let the people in Europe, South America, and the other countries know this. If you are looking to be involved in this great idea, you first need to pay the United States back the money you owe us. Do that and we’ll help rid your country of zombies. Your call. And if you, Canada (and you’re reading this), will you please apologize for Nickelback? Wait, forget that. Feed them to zombies and we’re even. We’ll invite you to the party if you just rid the zombie apocalyptic world of shitty music. What do you think, eh?

Yes, I am aware that the United States owes people money too but I am sure we helped fight alongside you (or maybe fought for you) and won a war or two for you at some point. We probably introduced democracy to your backwards country and beliefs. We gave you freedom and all we want is you to give us our cash back. I think that’s fair. Send us an over-sized check that won’t bounce and when it clears, I think we can call it even then.  If you don’t show up to America like the Publisher Clearing House people, you won’t be getting help from us. We won’t be sending troops your way. I am sorry if your country ends up crumbling because you can’t fight zombies with sticks and stones. You need a powerful country with a massive military to kill those undead beasts. I hope you got some money saved up or put away in some shoe box somewhere. You’ll need that money if you want our help. Can afford it? Too bad. I bet you’ll be beating yourself up about asking us for money when you needed help in fighting and killing Nazis. When society around you collapses and your country crumbles at the hands of the undead, we’ll be safe. While you’re all hiding out in abandon houses and buildings, our military will be putting down all the zombies.

I know there are some plot holes and other issues we should attend to before we measure and see who has the bigger penis. Yes, Mexico will be an issue at some point in time but we’ll take care of that later. Same with Canada. We’ll solve those issues when we need to. But if you give us the money you owe us, we’ll solve the zombie problem for you. For the United States, we will exterminate all zombies in our country. Sure there will be stragglers we run into down the road but one zombie will be nothing. The United States will be fine and once the zombies outbreak has been detained, the next step in my plan takes effect.

What do you mean, next plan? I am so glad you asked! We don’t like crime either. No one does and we will teach those hooligans a lesson about why it isn’t okay to break the law. If you want to solve an issue and sweep it under the rug, you need to send it far away. I would like to put an idea in your head. We have a big problem and we need to fix it. Let’s call the rug, Australia. Who really cares about that place? I know there will be people still there. Some will be alive and some will be dead. The whole world got attacked by zombies and I am sure Australia wasn’t left out of the Apocalypse. The Aussies don’t have to stay there. The people of Koala Land can leave. If you live in the land of Wallabies and Koalas and rather not wind up undead or left behind, pack your bags because we’ll only take so many people off your far away and forgotten country. Grab a raffle ticket and pray to God that we call your number. You will not be given any financial support or help with housing, employment, and other necessity needed to live. You are welcome to come to any country (USA excluded) and live out the rest of your days away from zombie island. If you didn’t win the raffle or you don’t leave the country then you will have to fend off not only zombies but ruthless killers. Wait? I thought you were sending zombies? No. We will not be shipping zombies over to wallaby country but will be sending prisoners. They will be transported by boat and plane. They will be shipped monthly. Can’t send them all at one time. While the thought of the criminals surpassing the zombies and possibly taking over the island, we will keep a collection of zombies on hand to send over at times if we feel we need to repopulate the island with the undead corpses.


The island will already be crawling with the undead and those who stayed behind will be fending off the hordes to survive. Better learn how to fight, mate. No help will be sent. These people had the chance to leave and they didn’t. They deserve to get eaten and die a slow, painful death. America will be making a visit to your zombie infested, barren wasteland.  The government will seize and claim the land down under as our own. Hell, it’s the apocalypse. Rules are no more. What about the other people living there? Two words. Eff them. It’s not that I don’t like Aussies, I just don’t know any. I am sure you are all a bunch of really nice people but you made a huge mistake when you decided to call the island of terror and living nightmares home. How can you honestly be okay with living in a place that is infested and crawling and slithering with some of the deadliest creatures alive!?

First off, spiders. No one likes them. Even the people who say they do, don’t. I’ve read about those spiders and they freak me out! I know my own personal run in with a spider is nothing compared to the horrors of finding spiders lurking in your shoes, under your bed sheets, and ducking out behind your fine china. Spiders shouldn’t exist. The snakes are deadly but I like snakes. I just think if we are going to destroy a country that is basically useless, we should ruin and destroy the land down under. Kill evil spiders and make some money in the process. If you don’t like spiders then you better be on board with my idea. I am sorry that I went off track. I should be telling you why and how we’ll create a land just for zombies and criminals.

We will be emptying our prisons out and monthly, dropping them off on the island. We will not send every prisoner over at once. They will go in spurts. You have to remember there are a lot of criminals behind bars. Millions of people are behind bars. With a number that high, we have plenty of time to keep this exciting idea alive. Once we drop these evil criminals off that is when the fun starts. That is when the zombie and prisoner war will wage on. It’ll be an all out battle to survive. Lucky for you, the island will be equipped with cameras in thousands of locations to capture all that we can. People like reality TV. People will go crazy over this. How can you not like the idea of watching people fight to their death? We will bring back the great days of the Roman Empire and the battles they had between gladiator and lion. The show will be pay per view to fund the project and pay the people who are working the show.

I want to let you be aware that there will be no one on the island but the zombies, convicts, and the Aussies who felt they would stay in a land of the dead. Why they or anyone would stay behind when you’re dealing with the undead, felons, and spiders is unthinkable. No one in their right mind would stay there unless you have the same brain activity as the zombies inhabiting your spider ridden island. What even makes this more fun is knowing that some people stayed behind. There will be three fractions fighting. How is that for pure, unedited televised entertainment?  No one will be leaving. I am will make sure of that. There will be no sense to worry about any ‘what if’ circumstances if these prisoners would try and make a break for it.  Aside from sharks and other crazy crap circling the waters below, the coast guard will patrol the open waters to ward off any prisoner who thinks they can make a raft and escape like they are a bunch of sad and freedom hungry Cubans. There will be no escape. No one will be allowed off the island. No one besides the newly created zombie task force and the unfit for society felons. If they cry and whine about being sent here then maybe they should have thought about the consequences before they stole that Xbox or jacked some shitty car from an unfit mother.

We will keep sending prisoners over to the island. We will be airlifting them in more than bringing them in by ship. We will strap convicts with a parachute and using a specially made aircraft, the floor will drop out and the will plummet to the ground below. Better open the chute if you want to live. It’s up to them if they want to partake in the newly, televised zombie hunger games. If they don’t open the chutes they will die but if they do open and land safely, they better act fast cause there is no telling where the zombies are. To not sound inhumane and completely evil, we will send them care packages with food and water. It’s up to them to find where we drop it and up to them if they want to share. The island itself will still be fully functional for a while until we decide to up the ante and cut power to the whole country and slowly watch as stocked up perishable resources spoil. I don’t want the criminals to think they can waltz into this country and just live happily with endless food and fresh water because after the power is cut, the water will be tampered with. Can’t say how but I am sure it will make the water undrinkable. The Zombie Hunger Games just got a little more exciting.

You may be wondering a few things but I will address that this post will coincide with a future post about my announcement for candidacy for POTUS in 2016. I have already picked a VP. We both have the same views and we come from different religious backgrounds. I am Catholic and he is Jewish. (I smell a sitcom). The zombie infestation is important because when 12/21/2012 rolls around, zombies will be an issue and I hope that when the right person is in office, he will take care of the issue. It will be his job to start the genocide of the zombie race and begin the complete take over of Kangaroo Island. It will be me and my right hand man who will continue and expand the zombie outbreak into a money-maker. Believe me, zombies vs. convicts will fix our struggling economy. I just have to win the election to make that happen. Again, I will post our views soon.

The Zombie Hunger Games will be nationally televised event. It will run 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. The thousands of cameras will be endless entertainment for the viewers. But if you cut power to the whole country, how will the cameras work?  There will be facilities strategically placed across the island. They will house generators that will keep the live feed up and also be home to our brave crew who live there to keep the televised Hunger Games operational. Yes I do have some issues and bugs to work out but for the most part my idea is perfect. The United States is taking Platypus Nation over and sending our harden criminals over. Do you feel this is too extreme? Do you live in Kangaroo Land and think I am being stereotypical with names? I know the zombies are going to rise on the 21st of December. I want us to be ready and I don’t want us to just sulk and be depressed about people we may lose in the zombie apocalypse. We need to stay strong and make the best of it. What better way of doing that then making bad people fight for their lives against zombies on national TV?

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I like food. I like the smell of cinnamon.

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