I’ve never seen ‘Twilight’ but I am sure it is something like this…

I am not a fan of Twilight. I have no interest in it and I never will. I know there are people out there that just love this movie and will sell their first-born to have just one night with Edward or that Jacob guy who doesn’t own a shirt. I never understood why people flocked to these books and the movies . This isn’t a vampire movie. This isn’t a love story. The story is about a sparkling guy who happens to stalk a girl who has only one facial expression. I have never seen these movies and I have never read the books they are based off of. Reading them or watching, I’d be wasting my time. I don’t know what they are about. I don’t have a desire to know what they are about. But I am going to give it a shot. I am going to try my best to explain to people what I think the books are about. If I am wrong, sorry. But I feel that my interpretation of the books that I will never read will be pretty spot on. But if they aren’t, oh well. I still won’t read this garbage. I have better things to do.

The book is about some chick named Bella. I guess she is an only child since there is never real mention of brothers or sisters in the movie previews. She is probably some emo-ish girl with real emotional problems. I am sure they stem from a father and mother who love her greatly but to her, they are ruthless and only want what is best for them and not for her. Bella didn’t want to move to Oregon or Washington or whatever state they moved to. She didn’t want to leave her friends behind…at least the friends she had. I mean, come on. Bella was and is full of anger and was obviously hurt at some point in her teenage life that when it comes to meeting boys, she chooses not to date or get near the opposite sex in fear that the whole process of being hurt will start over and she’ll always be the angry and moping teenager she is destined to be eternally.

Bella spends her first night in some lavish house, thinking about her friends she’ll never see again. She messages them on her Macbook and says how she hates it here and wants to go back! Her mother, the saintly and peacemaker in the family, steps in her room and tells her to get to bed. She comforts Bella and tells her to give this town a chance. There is some foreshadowing about her meeting Edward before Bella heads to bed for the night. The next day at school, Bella mopes around and while at lunch, she sees Edward. He is so handsome, so sparkling, that he catches the eye of Bella immediately. She stares at him and is caught in some trance that while she tries to look away, she can’t. Edward’s beauty has her fixated on him and she is drawn to him and she’ll never look away. It’s not a love story, kids. I hate to tell you that. He seduced her, just like Ms. Robinson seduced Dustin Hoffman.

Bella is now happy about being in town and each night she sleeps, she can’t seem to shack Edward from her mind. She is in love and she wants to be with him. He reeled her in with his vampire powers and he will capture her soon…probably 3 books later. Bella and Edward still haven’t talked at this point. She loves him and he doesn’t even know she exist. Sure, he is using his Jedi mind tricks to make her his slave, he still doesn’t know the angst and the pain she carries. She is very sad. She wants to be loved but doesn’t want to show it. She’ll never be loved. No one cares about her. Bella, angry about something totally pointless, walks blinding across the school campus. A guy in a truck almost runs down Bella  but before she can get run over by said truck, Edward runs super fast to the rescue and stops the truck with his body. He saves her! They share a moment. No one seems to notice he stopped the truck with his shoulders. No one questions it. They just take it as normal and go about their normal, teenage lives. Bella on the other hand does notice. The two of them escape into the woods and retreat to her house.

Eventually, she tells him she is sad and all emo. He tells her that is emo too and is really sad because he is different. Bella likes that. She likes the idea that they are both different and now they can relate with each other. Her parents love him. They find him polite and well-mannered. They don’t even mind that he sneaks into her room at night and watches her sleep. To them, that’s not creepy. It’s love. They think that he is making their daughter happier and that this is the happiest she has been since they moved her. He smiles and says how he’ll love her and protect her from the evils of the world. The parents don’t find his choice of words alarming. They just send him off to be alone with their daughter. Now alone, he tells her his secret. He says he is a vampire but isn’t like the evil vampires you see on TV or in the movies. He is more like a lame vampire. A vampire that sparkles in the sun and a vampire that doesn’t drink blood. He doesn’t but his family does. They don’t like Bella. Well, not all of them like her. Some are okay with her but some of them just see her as food and as an outsider who will destroy their family. I think somebody in his family tries to fight Edward but loses. He runs off and swears he’ll get revenge, even if he has to seek the help from some “dogs”.

The fight leaves the family bond in pretty bad shape. His parents don’t want him to be around Bella anymore. Bella and Edward yell at his parents because they don’t understand love. Bella bites her lips and Edward declines to wash his hair. The two of them escape into the woods to hug and kiss and have human/vampire sex. They don’t get to knock boots because some dude without a shirt on stops them and Bella is now torn between being with a vampire and being with a shirtless, hunky werewolf.


The dogs come running. Edward and Jacob fight. Jacob is the hunky, shirtless werewolf. He and his pack of other shirtless and hunky werewolves want to hurt Edward because they don’t like vampire and his way of life. At some point, Bella gets mad at Edward. I bet he attacks a human and she is so upset that he broke his promise about killing people, that she leaves him and decides to enjoy a little bestiality instead. Bella is all team Jacob now. The two of them frolic in the rain. She is dressed in her same, ugly emo clothes, while Jacob is dressed in just jeans that are about 3 sizes too small for him. Edward gets mad at Bella and werewolf Jacob. He wants her back. He calls his vampire friends and they decide to have some bar room brawl with the hunky  shirtless werewolves.  They all fight. People get hurt. Jacob pisses off Bella and she goes back to Edward.

Edward and Bella have sex.  She is going to die. They make her a vampire. She is all cool with it and is a pretty fast learner to the ways of the vampire people. Her parents don’t really care about her and just assume she left them because she was all emo with them again…since you know, she broke up with Edward to date a werewolf who doesn’t own a shirt. Bella and him have a wedding and she is all, ‘I love you’ and he is all, ‘I know. Let’s go fight some werewolves.’ The two of them fight werewolves and people die some more. She and Edward live happily, ever after. They killed werewolves and now they are the parents of a baby that is half human/half vampire. They gave birth to Blade.

That is how I believe the series play out. I don’t know how much I got right. I don’t care. I just thought I would give it a shot. You can tempt me with anything but it will not work. I will not read this series. I will not read Harry Potter. You’d have more luck with me reading 50 Shades of Grey before I ever picked up this book or the Harry Potter series. If you are a fan of this garbage, then I am sorry. I am not. I am glad Twilight is over and if you really want my opinion about what a true love story is, watch below.



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