An Open Letter To Michael Bay

Mr. Bay,

I want to thank you for your interest in one of the greatest cartoons ever created. I can remember when I was little and I would rush home after school to catch the newest episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Oh, how I loved that show. Still do. I collected the toys. I watched the movies. I danced along with Vanilla Ice as he showed us how a Ninja dances and how they rap.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFLGRidfFo4

I watched the movies religiously. It was a great time to grow up in. When I heard about a new movie coming out, I could hardly contain myself. If you think I am joking, you should have seen how I acted when G.I. Joe came out. I am also getting pretty excited about the Battleship movie. All these things coming back make me miss my childhood and the memories I had. I admit that when a childhood memory gets brought back, I get a tad upset. I rather it not come back. Why can’t they let sleeping dogs lie? Why must people bring things back again and make them bigger and more modern than their predecessor?

I recently read up on your “great” idea of how you plan on bringing back the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. You feel that if you kept them as Mutants, kids won’t get it and they will find it totally unbelievable. But if you want the kids to believe it and believe that these turtle do in fact exist, you better make them aliens. Genius idea, Mr. Bay!

I don’t care how much you say these alien turtles will be tougher, edgier, more lovable, and funnier. They already were. This is our childhood. You already butchered The Transformers. It would be best if you just leave the 80’s alone and go ruin something more modern. Go make a That’s So Raven movie. Here, I’ll help. You can make,

Raven a space-travling bounty hunter who crashes on Earth. She discovers that a ruthless, alien race has been tracking her for some time and found her on Earth. They will send their toughest assassins to kill her and enslave the human race unless Raven can stop them first.

I bet it will be awesome. Toss in some giant robots and ask Bruckheimer for some help with the over excessive amount of explosions and the minimalistic amount of storyline. That one is free. If you want other ideas, I will be happy to share my ideas with you. I have thousands.

I don’t know why you’re making the ninja turtles aliens. It doesn’t make sense. They are mutants. The ooze made those skateboarding punks into the most awesome band of reptilian brothers ever. I wonder a few things. You are welcome to answer them if you like.

Is Shredder going to be in it? Will he be an alien too or sort of a space pirate? Will he be fighting his inner demons and will “Krang” be a metaphor for the inner demons he is fighting?

Do Rocksteady and Bebop show up? Will they be a stereotype of urban thugs or another race you can sum up in one or two generic stereotypes?

Will the foot clan be human or another alien race?

What about Splinter? Another alien that travels with the Turtles? Will he be like a Martha/Jonathan Kent that shows them the way of the Alien Ninja fighting skills?

Will they eat pizza or will they crave another source of food, like rats?

What about their names? Will they have their Renaissance names or will they have different names based on the fictitious planet they come from?

Will you be casting Megan Fox in it? If you do cast Megan Fox in your TANT movie, make her play Irma. No one likes her.

Like A Glove!

I and all the other TMNT fans are begging you to lay off the idea of making the ninja turtles aliens. It will not work. It will not be the turtles we loved when we were kids. You can’t just go around changing things up. It would be as if someone decided to reboot Batman (again) and have him get bitten by a bat that gives him his strength and awesomeness. Some things need to be left alone. Somethings shouldn’t be messed with.

You’re messing with the Turtles and that isn’t radical. It’s not bodacious. It’s the biggest faux pas you can make. Michael, I beg you. Stop. We don’t need you to dumb down cinema. I don’t see how you can think kids will believe them being aliens more over them being mutant teenage turtles. According to your logic, kids will be believing that Optimus Prime is real and the family SUV is going to turn into a robotic alien from planet Cybertron.

I hope this letter reaches you. I hope you see the ridiculousness of your idea. You’re wrong when you say:

“Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.”

We won’t chill. I will remind you again. Three words, That’s So Raven. Go for it.

Kirk

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pitweston

I like food. I like the smell of cinnamon.

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