The Yellow Menace

I remember when I ate these things. I had no issue with them. Then, like most of the crap I hate, I just stopped eating it. First off, no fruit should be mushy.  It’s like you’re eating a solid paste. I could have said, solid waste but not too sure how many people eat that. I know of only 2 girls that have. The smell is horrible. (I’m talking about the bananas now. But yeah, the S.W. is not the greatest of smells either). Anything banana flavored, (pudding, candy, fluff) is just as nasty as the fruit itself. Actually. Let me get on the topic of candy. That artificial flavoring they use to make runts, laffy taffy, starburst, whatever the candy may be, the taste is ten times worse than the fruit itself. Most candy doesn’t match up with the fruit it’s suppose to be but cherry, melon, strawberry, those I can handle.

My mother isn’t fond of the grape gum smell. When we were little, we ate that crap like it was, erm…candy. Remember bubble tape!? We’d be the backseat and she’d be driving. We would open it up, pull a long stretch out for each of us and all eat it at the same time. Instantly, my mom would gripe, “Are you eating that grape gum!?” We’re sitting there chewing our gum. No, Not chewing. Poppin! The smell of the gum would give her a headache. She’d open the windows and gripe about it. Any other grape flavored gum can be put in place of the bubble tape. My mom just doesn’t like the smell of grape gum. Grape flavoring doesn’t taste like grapes either. Am I getting old? I am coming to the realization that we were lied to as kids. Was this the way for adults to get us to eat our fruits? But if you think about it, a kid is going to expect the grape to taste like bubble tape. They are going to want the watermelon to taste just like the  jolly rancher does. I am not saying that I feel cheated. I liked that stuff when I was a kid. I still like grape kool-aid. I don’t drink it anymore. But if someone offered me a grape kool-aid, I’d drink it.

I am very  anti-banana. I mean, I am but I feel like it gets a bad rap from the artificial flavoring they pass off on the candy and such. I am against the yellow menace as a fruit. It seems to be a very musical fruit too. Not like the beans but singers like to talk about this sharply dressed fruit. Gwen Stefani did. Harry Belafonte did. Even Raffi. They made the fruit cool. They made the banana the S-H-I-T.

Banana Phone

I know my sister hates them just as much. We both cringe at the sound of someone eating one. You ever really listen to someone eat one? It’s not very pleasant to the ears. You’re smacking your lips together and you try to chew it but you can’t. It just sticks to every crevasse of your mouth. You have this stringy and mushy goop just oozing about in your mouth. I will run in the opposite direction of you if you’re eating one. I will find you very repulsive from the time you put it in your mouth. It is coming across like I dislike the texture of the banana than the actual taste of it. Both actually. I am sitting here with my eyes closed and I am imagining myself back when I ate them. I can honestly taste it. Right now. Someone guide me to the nearest bathroom.

Okay, I feel better.

No,  I didn’t puke but I did recall the taste. I did eat a slice of banana bread earlier this year. I felt obligated. There is a group of church goer’s who like to come in and just mingle with each other. One day when they came in, the store I work at lost power. I wasn’t able to cook or do much of anything, so I sat with them. I enjoyed a cup of coffee. They were passing around some bread to each other. “You want a slice?”  Not sure why I didn’t ask what it was but I didn’t. I took the piece and took a big bite. “You like it? My wife makes the best banana bread.”  Hey, thanks! I didn’t want to be rude and spit it out. So I ate it and used all my energy not to choke on it. That wasn’t the first time I ate something I didn’t like. I had to consume a corn dog once too. I like hot dogs. I like them with ketchup. I like cold hot dogs dipped in kool-aid. But I don’t like hot dogs wrapped in a sleeve of corn. I’ll stop with the hot dogs. We need to discuss that later.

In closing, I find this fruit to be the worst fruit god ever decided to create. I just wish that when man evolved from apes, we would have evolved to the understanding that bananas are bad. Let the monkeys have it.

Eff evolution. Eff Belafonte. And Eff you, Gwen. Your  song was crap. Bananas aren’t the shit. They are shit.

Case closed.

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I like food. I like the smell of cinnamon.

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  • Chris

    I like bananas. Key running fruit (not to be interpretted as poo running)