Have You Ever Seen: ThanksKilling

I am a huge fan of Netflix. It’s my go to device for movies. If I haven’t seen a movie, I go there. If I want to watch some old sitcoms, I go there. If I need to relax and watch a cheesy horror movie, I go there. Today was a “cheesy horror movie” night. Before I watched this movie, my sister lent me a movie to watch. It was called, “For Sale By Owner”. Tom Skeritt was in it. I know him from Picket Fences but I really remember him from Poltergeist III. FSBO wasn’t very good. It was a slow movie. The ending was the director and/or writer telling the viewers,

“Eff you. Everything you just watched meant nothing. I’m bringing in Phantom Indians and Cannibal Pilgrims. How about them apples?”

I understand the ending to some extent but there are some questions that still linger about what really went on. It was a cheap ending that makes the viewers feel dumb. Don’t bother paying any attention to what is going on. At the end, you’re spoon fed everything. 

I already said how I like watching bad horror movies. At least the ones I have watched before weren’t as bad as the one I viewed tonight. A two-year old can write better dribble than this. Even a movie about trees that make people zombies was better than this. (real movie. watch it here. (PS-Gotta be 18 & register) Santa’s Slay is better. I will even go as far and say, Battlefield Earth is a better movie. No movie you say or suggest to me will be worse than this. It was a huge waste of my night. It ruined my Netflix night.

Dear Netflix,

Remove this movie from your catalog. It’s rubbish.

Thank you,

Kirk

The movie starts with a little introduction about the time period were in. It’s 1621 – The olden days. It’s moments after the very first thanksgiving. The first opening shot to the film is a nipple. A nipple! What kind of movie am I about to watch? A woman is backed up against a tree. She’s a pilgrim. She is, how do I put it? She’s very robust. She is obviously scared of something. Screaming in the distance startles her and she is running. It’s okay. Don’t follow her face. Just keep the camera aimed at her breast. Her breast bounce wonderfully in the air. Up and down. It was like two perfect water balloons nuzzled against her chest. Oh, crap! A rock. The lady tumbles to the ground. She turns around and her and the viewers are both laying eyes and the evil, killer turkey.

Nice tits, b**ch!

The turkey talks. For eff sakes! The turkey f**king talks! He picks up a hatchet and hacks her up. The credits roll. You already know it’s going to be a great movie when two of the stars are listed as, “General Bastard” and “Wanda Lust”. With a last name like Lust, you know she puts out…

decent movies.

Take a look at her screen credits:

  1. ThanksKilling (2009) …. Naked Pilgrim
  2. Older Women, Younger Women 9 (2008) (V)
  3. Cock Smoking Grannies (2008) (V)
  4. Older Women, Younger Men 11 (2008) (V) 11!? You mean there’s 10 before this!?
  5. MILF Does a Body Good! 2 (2007) (V)
  6. MILF Does a Brotha Good! (2007) (V)
  7. M.i.l.t.f. 30 (2007) (V)
  8. Bust a Nut 5 (2006) (V)
  9. Bust a Nut 6 (2006) (V)
  10. Mature Kink Orgy #7 (2006) (V)
  11. MILF Shakes (2006) (V)
  12. M.i.l.t.f. 24 (2006) (V)
  13. Older Women, Younger Men 9 (2005) (V)

Too bad for her. She only had a brief role. She’s going places. The movie returns to present day. We are at a school. A large man walks out of the school with the “football jock”. The obese man looks liked a tired Billy Bob from Varsity Blues. He walks out of the school and rips his shirt in half screaming, “Thanksgiving Break!” Johnny tells him to, ‘put his titties away’. Believe me. He’s larger up top than Wanda Lust is. I am curious as to how the school jock (Mr. Popular) is friends with him. I know he doesn’t play football. He has no back story but all horror movies are like this. They tend to toss together every kind of cliche there is and make them all buddies. Don’t believe me? I’ll continue. Billy covers up but really wants to see Ali titties. She’s the slut of the movie. She’s all for it. She lifts up her shirt, revealing a pretty, sexy bra. Kristen (the good girl) pulls Ali’s shirt down and lets her know that it’s “Thanksgiving not Titsgiving”. Ali is all hot for Johnny but his eyes are on Kristen. The four of them walk away (the camera does some strange speed up thing-which kind of pissed me off) and a nerdy looking fellow waves to Billy. Aside from the hick (Billy), the school nerd is tagging along. Darren (the nerd) is BFF’s with Billy. We’ll talk more about that later. Darren is pretty excited to be hanging out with the cool kids. Johnny gives Darren a high five or tries to. They have this weird bond between them at the beginning of the movie. Johnny explains to Darren how he isn’t the starting quarterback of the Tritons. He would have been but he broke his leg. Damn, Trent for getting all the glory. Darren agrees that the other guy is a total douche. Billy runs over to meet up with two girls. Johnny rolls up his sleeve and lets Darren feel his ‘weapon of mass destruction’. Honestly? Did that just happened? I am already confused by this movie. I don’t know if Johnny plays for both teams or what. I do know that Darren is acting like a school girl around him. Effin’ creepy.

So we got Kristen and Ali. Kristen is made out to be the ‘good girl’ and Ali is the ‘slut’ of the gang. Johnny is the jock. Billy is the hick. Darren is the nerd. So now we got our main characters. Johnny, Billy, Darren, Ali, and Kristen. It’ll only be a matter of time before they are picked pecked off one by one by the Killer Turkey! The four hop in Johnny jeep and head out for a killer Thanksgiving break! The four go around the car telling each other what they are thankful for. Billy makes a pretty perverted remark that Ali (the slut) doesn’t get what he’s talking about. Jesus, Ali! Even I know what he’s talking about and I’m sure you’ve been around the block a lot longer than I have. Kristen is thankful for friends and good health. Johnny agrees with Kristen. We get a little back story on him and his old man. Seems these two aren’t getting along lately. :sad panda:

Billy is thankful for still having his mama. Darren isn’t thankful for much. He’s just too excited to be hanging out with these cool kids. He’s going to go wild. He’s going to ghost ride the whip (whatever that means). He’s going skinning dipping with no clothes on. Yes. He wanted to make sure we knew what skinning dipping was. It’s entails not having clothes on. Darren, please continue. He gets wide-eyed and exclaims,

I’m gonna have sex…with someone…in this car.

It’s not going to be him doing it himself. He’s going to be the one doing the sexing. Is that even a word? Sexing? I should point out that I noticed he wipes his mouth a lot. Watch the flick. Make it a drinking game. Every time he wipes his mouth, take a shot. Ali already lets Darren know she isn’t going to be the one. Cause she’s wholesome. Billy lets her know that she’s a whoe and kind of a skank. Kristen chimes in with a clever remark,

Your legs are harder to close than the JonBenet Ramsey case.

Kristen calls her daddy and let’s him know she is on her way home. It’ll just be a couple more hours. The car begins to smoke and Johnny is forced to pull over. They have tents and beer. They decide to camp outside over night. Darren finds a sign on the ground. It reads, “Crawberg”. The name sounds very familiar to him. Oh, crap! Now he remembers! Prepare for the legend of, “Killer Turkey”

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eavEYG1j-BI

There was a pissed off Indian named Feathercloud who was dishonored by a pilgrim. (the pilgrim turned out to be a decedent of Billy). Feathercloud was so pissed, he put a curse on all the white men. He unleashed this curse on to a turkey. It is said that every 505 (yes, there is a 5 at the end of that) years the turkey will come back to bring terror to the white man. It is the most evil turkey ever. He’ll stop at nothing…

Of course no one believes the story. I mean it is just that. It’s just a legend. The movie always sucks but it gets worse when Darren uses the term, “Turkeyologist”. It’s 45 minutes till the 505 year span. The girls are scared. Kristen offers Johnny a spot in her tent. Ali has an extra spot. Between Darren and Billy, who do you think has the better chance?

An old hermit goes to look for his dog and comes face to face with the turkey. Any logical person would probably run if a turkey started talking to them. But no. Not in this movie. These people are dumber than Sarah Palin. He talks to the turkey asking why he killed his dog.

Oh, it was an ax-ciddent!

The turkey waves an ax in the air to explain his amazing pun.Oscar fires the rifle at the turkey. He misses and the turkey flees the scene. He’s out for blood. The gang is ready for bed but before they do, Kristen forgets to call her dad. Sheriff daddy is going to be worried. Kristen walks away to get better reception. While away, she comes face to face with the killer turkey! Oh No! He’s going to drink her blood like cranberry sauce. No one believes her…even Johnny. As they sit, a bunny is hurled through the air and lands on the fire. Don’t worry, kids. It was a stuffed animal. Very clear to see that it was. No complaints. I don’t think on their budget they could have afforded the ASPCA. Billy wakes up the next morning with Oscar standing over him. Oscar tells him the turkey planned on killing him but he kept watched. The jeep is fixed and the gang is back out on the road.

You can debate whether or not this movie is the epitome of turribleness. But what happens next will leave you scratching your head. I had a “wtf” moment when this scene graced by TV. I understand the two directors were going for a laugh but I didn’t. I am still dumb founded that people talk to the turkey like there isn’t anything wrong. Christ sake, people! A turkey! A car is driving down the road and the turkey walks its way up to the edge of it. If the turkey was wearing a skirt, I bet he would have lifted it up some. The driver pulls over. The turkey hops in the car and the man licks his lips. He’s picking up a hooker. A turkey hooker? For the love of God! How eff’ed up is that? The man unbuttons his jeans. The man is about to baste the turkey when the turkey turns around with a gun (not sure where the gun came from) and plants it to the mans head. The man calls his daughter to say some final words but before he could finish, his head is blown all over the inside of the windshield. As luck would have it, the turkey can drive a car. If a cat can drive a car, so can a turkey. Anything is possible in this movie. The gang drops Ali off at her house. She whispers sweet nothings to Johnny and walks away. They are all aware that Ali wants Johnny. Kristen isn’t to fond of Ali. She once again drops a zinger on her.

Her legs are harder to close than the JonBenet Ramsey case.

Wait? Haven’t I heard that somewhere else before? Oh, yeah. About 10 minutes earlier. :face palm: The gang laughs like it was their first time hearing it. Jesus!  If you’re going to make jokes in the movie, at least use a new one. The others are dropped off and Johnny arrives home. He’s greeted by his mother. She tells him to talk to his father. Remember when we learned him and dad weren’t getting along? Well it turns out his dad isn’t happy about him getting second string quarterback. Boy, it’s been two weeks. That sure is a lifetime there Johnny. The two have a short talk but his dad (he looks a little like Howard Hessmen)is still pretty upset. He walks out of the room. Johnny decides just to lie to his daddy. When his dad hears about him being starting quarterback, he has a son again. But the loving reunion is cut short when the killer, hooker turkey cuts the dad’s head off and tells Johnny to “Go deep”. Johnny runs to him mommy for a hug but she’s dead too. Her eyes are pecked out! This turkey means business. Johnny is driving to Billy’s house. His acting in the car is Oscar worthy. He’s not worried about mommy and daddy being murdered. He’s more worried about no more pumpkin pie and cranberry sauce. But he does swear he’s going to kill that f**king turkey. The group is sitting outside Billy’s house. Johnny tells the others the news about his parents. He does it so causal like too.

Well guys…that turkey killed my parents.

Ali is in her room getting it on with some strange boy. The turkey kills the random sex partner and takes over to ravage Ali. The turkey screams and Ali does seem to be enjoying it. After he finishes, he exclaims

You just got stuffed!

Ali screams and the turkey breaks her neck. Johnny and the others arrive too late at her house. Again, Johnny shows no emotions when telling the others that Ali is dead. He walks out with a bloody feather and an extra small, rabie-flavored condom. Billy is pretty pissed. Not sure if it’s cause Ali is dead or cause the turkey scored with her and he didn’t. They need to kill the turkey. There are books (of course) about how to kill a demon turkey. All the libraries are closed but Kristen’s dad has all sorts of books on this sort of thing. How many books are there about demon turkeys? Is this a common thing?

Kristen’s dad is dressed in a turkey suit when the turkey comes to his door. Again. Another person who doesn’t realize that it’s a F**KING TURKEY! I guess anyone would be fooled. The turkey is wearing the gag glasses with the large nose and mustache. The dad assumes the turkey is a midget and a friend of Christy’s Kristen’s. The two of them sit at the dining table and talk to each other. I will give credit for one line of dialogue. The turkey says the word, f**k. To which the following conversation takes place,

Sheriff: Did you just say f**k?

Turkey: So midgets can’t say f**k now?

Sheriff: I’m not worried about the size of the f**k. I’m worried about the age of the f**k.

Sorry, guys. This one bit of dialogue isn’t going to make me change my mind about your movie. The movie still sucks. The turkey claims to feel awkward and excuses himself. Before he does, he attacks the dad. He rips off the dads face and has on yet another disguise. Great cover. No one will suspect you to be the evil, hooker turkey. Kristen knocks on the front door. Knocks on the front door to her own house. Does she not have a key? Whatever. The door opens and standing at the door in the turkey. He’s wearing the dad’s face and his sheriff hat. Kristen is none the wiser. It’s dad. He just grew shorter. He grew feathers. He does look different. Ah, a haircut. All is normal. Gotcha.

The group head to the garage to look at some books. Cue the montage and the gang is off. Billy sits it out and munches on some fries. Five minutes later (as quoted by Kristen), they find the book. Darren reads from the book and reveals how to kill the evil,  killer turkey. A talisman must be removed to rid the turkey of its’ powers. Now the movie can just make it simple to kill the turkey but no. There is a perplex code they must solve to know how to kill it. It’s a math problem. Someone call Will Hunting.

It’s a good thing Darren is a nerd. If he wasn’t, who knows who would crack this obscure code. Billy can’t think without a little food. He heads to the kitchen. Inside, the turkey is dragging the sheriff’s, faceless corpses across the floor. I’ll give Billy credit. At first he believes it’s the sheriff and not the turkey but he somehow (out of everyone in the movie, it’s him) he knows it’s not the dad but really the turkey. He calls the others for help. The turkey tells them he is pissed about the white man and he’s going to kill them all in the name of all Indians. Johnny asked the turkey is land and casino is enough to stop his terror. “Almost” the turkey said.

They bum rush the turkey and steal the talisman. The turkey slips out of Billy’s arms and races his way out of the house. Billy storms out all in a tiffy. Johnny and Kristen have a heart to heart. They talk in football analogies. For having their parents both murdered by an evil turkey, you’d think they’d shed at least one tear. None. I don’t think these people have tear ducts. Darren walks in. He cracked the code. The turkey could be anywhere. The book says he’s probably in his tepee. Yes. I said tepee. The turkey has a tepee. But. And there is a but. If the turkey isn’t in his tepee, he’s probably killing one of your friends. Oh, Snap!

Billy is walking down the sidewalk. He is still hungry. He spots a cartoon turkey on the ground and picks it up. Cartoon turkey’s are normal. He eats the cartoon turkey whole. His stomach explodes with a gun shot. The evil turkey was the cartoon turkey all along! The turkey crawls out of Billy.

Gobble, Gobble, Mother F**ker!

The turkey is long gone when the gang arrives. Darren runs to Billy. Amazingly, Billy is still alive. He has a gaping whole in his chest. His intestines are hanging out. The dude is dead but he still there. Darren is crying. First tears the whole movie has had all 48 minutes in. Darren reminds Billy about the time they shared ice cream under the sun. Remembering how excited Darren got when he touched Johnny’s arms and now the following flashback, it leads me to believe that Darren is not a very straight arrow. The scene is meant to be funny. I just found it creepy. I don’t know what kind of relationship these men have. I have never shared ice cream with a male friend and rubbed it over his nose and face. Skipping in an open field, hide and seek, tucking Billy in bed, chest bumping, playing on a swing set, and lying on the ground looking at clouds. Yeah, very touching. You could have cut it off at just the ice cream. We get it. They had a bromance. Hell, they even had their own song. Click below to listen.

Best Friend Billy

The group leaves (leaving Billy’s body on the street is normal) and guess what? They find the tepee. The turkey is inside tossing a salad. Gay joke? I don’t know. Strange though. The three of them huddle outside the tepee and discuss their plan of attack. Kristen asks for rope. Johnny has some in his pocket. I always keep rope in my pocket. It’s not even rope. It’s string. Kristen tells Darren it’s his job to sneak up on the turkey and lasso him. Darren isn’t to keen on the idea but Johnny convinces him to do it for Billy. Kristen remembers that they need matches or a lighter. Sure enough, Johnny has that too. He’s a regular boy scout. Darren lassos the turkey and is pumped. He talks smack on the turkey,

Darren: Looks like I got something you don’t turkey.

Turkey: What’s that, Darren? A vagina?

Ha. Poor Darren. Even the turkey knows. Darren breaks out the book. He’s ready to send this turkey to hell. The trio reads the chant (in perfect unison I might add). It didn’t work. The turkey needs to be burned at the stake like a witch. It’s cool Kristen has the light. I mean Johnny has the lighter. But I thought he gave it to her? The turkey makes a break for an escape but is stopped by Oscar. Oscars blows the turkey away with a gun at point blank range. The turkey flies through the air and lands in a random trashcan. Oscar day was complete. He killed a turkey and avenged the death of his dog Flashy. Kristen feels sorry for Oscar. Losing a dog is pretty hard to deal with. She just lost her dad but feels more pity for Oscar and his dog. How eff’ed up is this movie? Oscar explains to the kids that one day you’ll feel how I feel when losing your mother, father, or best friend. Johnny learned a lot from this experience. Plus, he made some life long friends. Really? Half of your life long friends are dead now. Please never be my friend.

Announcer: You just killed the most demonic turkey ever. What are you gonna do now?

Kristen: We’re going to Disneyland!

Announcer: Sorry, It’s late. Libraries and Disneyland are closed.

Kristen: Really? Then I’ll guess we’ll go back to my place to watch a movie.

So her dad’s body is still in the house and you’re gonna watch a movie. I’d do the same. Just push him aside. Deal with it later. Come on, kids. Let’s not forget the evil turkey. Remember how the turkey had to be killed a certain way? Well, shooting the turkey point blank didn’t work. Cause the trashcan it landed it was…. A radioactive trash bin of toxic material. Now we have a pissed off, radioactive, demonic, killer turkey. It doesn’t get any better than that.  The group is watching “Night of the Living Dead”. Good choice. Johnny confesses his love to Kristen. He may have lost his parents but he did gain a girlfriend. How sweet. While those two make out, Darren feels like the third wheel and heads to the bathroom. He freshens up and makes his way to the kitchen for some food. A meat thermometer is launched into his ace.

You’re done, bi*ch!

They turkey attacks Darren. He rips out his tongue and pecks out his heart. Darren’s heart slides across the floor. Even with no heart, Darren can still function. He reaches his arm out to a giant hick in the sky. Kristen and Johnny wake up. How long was Darren gone for? Johnny goes to check on him. Johnny finds Darren but before he can tell Kristen, he is attacked with an electric carving knife. The two run off, knife still intact. They take refuge in an old shack. Kristen needs to set him on fire. Go ask Johnny. I think he has the lighter. Again. She lights the evil turkey on fire. Johnny isn’t going to make it. He just wishes he could call an audible. He dies and Kristen remembers she needs to burn the turkey at the stake like a witch. She punts the turkey and delivers one final punny remark.

Peck on someone your own size!

It’s good! The turkey lands on a ready to go pile of wood. Did Kristen really have a bonfire already set up in her backyard? How is everything they need right there? It’s the movies. That’s all I can think of. The turkey is dead(?). A turkey leg flies out of the fire. Kristen takes a bite of it as she watches the evil turkey burn. It’s over. She lives. Yay! The movie ends but it lets us know there will be a sequel. Awesome! Can’t wait (end sarcasm). But unlike all the other bad horror movie sequels, this sequel is skipping them all and going straight to space. A turkey in space. A movie can’t get any better worse than that.

ThanksKilling was made on a very, very low budget of 3500. The official website states, auditions were held within the directors garage. I know this movie wasn’t going for seriousness. It was supposed to be campy, bad,  and an all around “raspberry award winner”. I mean, it’s a movie about a killer turkey. You can’t get any crappier than that. I watched the movie not really knowing much about it. I know the idea of a killer turkey but nothing about the crap behind the camera. It just didn’t do it for me. There are some movies that are so bad, they’re good. This movie is just bad. Nothing about it excited me.

The official site to ThanksKilling is pretty interesting read. I would suggest reading the FAQ’s. Some really honest answers. It’s sort of makes me feel bad for saying how sucky this movie is and what a waste of time it was to make it. They knew that. They knew they weren’t making the next big horror film. It was more of a “let’s see if we can do this” type thing. I’m all for that. They did it. The movie might be complete crap but they did it. I don’t know if I should tell you to see it. I basically just told you the entire movie. See it if you want. I will warn you, it’s bad. But the directors did say a beakquel is coming. How bad is that going to be?If it truly is going to set in space, it’ll be beyond bad.

Links:

Official Site | IMDB |




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pitweston

I like food. I like the smell of cinnamon.

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