Don’t Date Taylor Swift

The world loves Taylor Swift. She is just this sweet, girl next door person we all fell in love with. But is that really true? Is she really miss goodie-two shoe? I think it is about time someone tells the real story about Taylor Swift, You know her hit song, We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together? I am the guy Taylor is singing about. I am the one who she berates and gets you to think that  Todd Akin is a saint compared to me. I don’t want people to see me that way. I don’t want people to assume I am a horrible boyfriend and deserve nothing. I have feelings too. You know the song. You’ve heard it every hour on the hour on your radio. It’s embedded in your brain and you find yourself humming it as it slowly overpowers, Call Me Maybe. Both songs are equally deadly but I am not talking about the Canadian. I want to talk to you about the lipstick wearing, train wreck named, Taylor Swift. You’ve heard the song. You know her side but you don’t know mine. You don’t even know the whole story. I am going to fill you in on why we broke up and why you should never ever date Taylor Swift.


I am the ‘guy’ in the video. I am tired of being portrayed as some a-hole who treated her horribly. I was nothing but nice to her. I treated her like a queen. But that was never good enough for Taylor. No. She wanted more. She wanted my constant attention and if I ever ignored her, I would feel her wrath. She is not this sweet, pretty girl she pretends to be. Her bumbling Barney Fife act is just that. It’s an act. She fools everyone with it. Her deer in headlights look isn’t cute and innocent either. She is looking deep inside your soul with her cold, dead eyes. Stare into her eyes and you will feel your soul darken and slowly fade away into oblivion. She is pure evil.

Don’t let that pretty face fool you. She might look all beautiful and blemish free but she’s faker than tits on a porn star. She cares about make-up and looking pretty more than the next gal. She would spend hours touching her face up and if I tried to explain to her that she didn’t need to gob all that crap on, she would call me ‘mean‘. I wasn’t being mean. I was trying to be nice and tell her that she is beautiful going all natural. But Taylor had to look pretty. She was tired of looking like the girl next door.  Did you know before she dated me, she dated her neighbor? True story. She would walk around school and follow him everywhere. She kept telling him how he belonged to her. It was pretty creepy. She tore him and his girlfriend apart because she wanted him and when Taylor wanted something, she got it. I guess the girl quit school and is in rehab. What about the neighbor boy. Well that lasted about a month. Write a song about it and the world will find you adorable as you prance around your bedroom, seducing the neighbor boy with your Mrs. Robinson siren call.

To us. How am I this a-hole who made her life miserable? I don’t think so. I did nothing wrong.  Her and her strange group of dancing animals might try and convince you of that but don’t buy into it. She is right about one thing. We did break up that one time. I won’t lie about that. But I’ll be damned if she goes around and makes air quotes when I said I “needed space”.  I am sorry if I don’t discuss every aspect of my life with her. I am sorry if my personal life affected her emotionally and ruined all her weekends. I will be sure to give her access to my google calendar so she can be aware of my every move. Crazy stalker. She keeps telling herself that she is the one who broke it off. She is welcome to believe that if she wants to but she better not tell her friends that she dropped me. She’s lying!  It was me! I am the one who told her to hit the road. I wanted nothing more to do with her. I told her to leave me alone. But Taylor doesn’t get it. She still called me. Try like 45 missed calls in one day. Most of the time it is her just breathing and other times she is saying how much she loves me and then it’s how much she hates me. She needs to get a check up. I think she might be bi-polar. Honestly, the girl is crazy. I would honestly suggest you stop encouraging her to write music about all her relationships that end poorly not because of her boyfriends but because she is the reason she’ll never be with anyone. ever. . I can’t deal with a needy, overly attached girlfriend. She tells people she dumped me because I am a horrible boyfriend then she writes a song about us and makes millions in the process. Get your story straight first, Taylor. Wait before you go and preach to the folks at the Grammys about you failed relationships.

Taylor is ruining my life. I cannot get a date now because girls just assume I am going to be the monster Taylor made me out to be. I don’t know how the past boyfriends are doing but if my life is in shambles, I am sure their lives are equally ruined. I want Taylor to tell the world that each song she has written about the boys who broke her heart are skewed. I want her to finally admit to the world that we, the men who dated Taylor Swift, are not animals with the intent to ruin her life and make her cry. She is the problem. Every guy that has dated Taylor knows that she goes all Fatal Attraction and then after we split, she quickly writes a crappy song about how horrible we are and how men in the world only want to break the hearts of a girl. I am looking forward to her next song and would love to meet the new guy whose heart she breaks. Word to the wise,

Don’t date Taylor Swift. You’ll have a song written about you.

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  • Me

    I really hope you are joking…

    • I am not joking. She’s a horrible person. Don’t date her.