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DieTanic: Part II

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Gwen and Walt are sitting alone, enjoying a glass of wine and the riches that surround them. This treatment was nothing new to either of them. They were both born into wealth. Walt’s father was a business man and from the money he idly threw around, a very good one indeed. Gwen’s father was born into money. His father was born into money, and his father was as well. It was destiny. They both never knew what it meant to be poor, nor have they ever wished it.

The two talk about the ship. They gawk and gasp at every little thing that was in the room. Walking or more like stumbling by them is Debbie and her newly made friend, Mr. Bayard. Doug Bayard is just as inebriated as Debbie. Gwen looks at Walt and smiles, cringing in the process. Gwen sets her drink down and smiles at Debbie as she stands inches from the table.

Ms. Krepts. I see you found the bar with no problem.

Debbie nods. She doesn’t take offense to the blatantly obvious remark. She puts her hand on Mr. Bayard shoulder.

Oh, how rude of me. This is my friend, Mr. Bayard. He was just about to show me the bridge of the ship. You two want to the grand tour?

Debbie tosses her hands in the air, and puts a strong emphasis on the word, “grand“.  It turns out, Mr. Bayard, is quite well known around the ship and very well known with the Captain. Mr. Bayard is a priceless art dealer. He points to a painting that hangs above the bar.

You see that one right there? It might be worth less than those in third class but the story behind the painting make it priceless. Folks paid pretty good money to get it on board.

Gwen asks, “Then why did you sell it?”

It’s cursed. Strange things happen when you’re around this painting. They say those that have the painting in their possession will meet death. But that’s just a silly story. I had the painting for 2 years and I’m still alive. But I didn’t sell it cause of the curse. It’s all about the money.

Gwen and the others look at each other. Walt didn’t say anything to Gwen but just from the look her gave her, the uneasy feeling that had just swept over her was gone. Debbie nudges Doug who was still deep into the painting. He remembers instantly about the tour of the bridge. Walt steps aside and waves him forward, letting him lead the way. As the four leave, Debbie grabs a wine bottle off of a waiter’s tray. She takes a quick swig before turning around. She waves the bottle in the air and thanks him.

Everything appears fine above deck but to the people in the third class section, they soon will know what fear and death really means. The third class passengers are cramped into tiny rooms. They don’t look much like rooms. You can probably consider them janitor closets. The couple from earlier, Ronnie and Marion, are alone in their room. She is busy unpacking what little belongings they have. Ronnie is still passed out on the bed. He is tired, weak, almost near death. Marion would be lost without him. He is the bread winner of the family. They don’t have kids but he always promises her that one day they will. This trip is going to change everything for them. He is sure that before it is all over, they will be richer. Not with money but with the experience and maybe it’ll be the night they conceive a child together. Marion sits on the edge of the bed and holds his hand in hers. Ronnie coughs and sits up. She taps his hand and let’s him know that everything will be okay.

I’ll be right back, Ronnie. Let me see if I can find us a doctor. You’ll be up and enjoying this trip in no time.

Marion leaves the room. She leans against the door for a bit. Marion cries. She knows that he wasn’t going to live much longer. She can’t tell him that. He needs some sort of assurance that everything is going to be okay. She wipes the tears from her eyes and walks away from her cabin. Marion takes to the stairs but before going up, she takes one last look towards her room. She whispers an, “I love you” and proceeds to make her way to the upper deck to find a doctor.

DieTanic: Part I

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I love movies just like everyone else. I bet if I could, I could write one better than movies that are today. I watched the scary movies. I’ll sit through the campy movies. Sci-fi movies are fun. Western movies aren’t horrible. (unless you consider Westworld) It boarders on both the science fiction and the western. I like musicals. I like action movies, sport movies, suspense, etc… I like animated movies. I just love movies. It’s my escape from the world and one of the things I like doing alone. Out of all those genres, horror movies are by far, my favorite. You can break horror movies into so many sub-genres. We have serial killers, the supernatural, gore, monsters, slasher, and my favorite, the zombie genre.

I recently watched, “Zombies of Mass Destruction”.

It takes place on a small island town. A blind man stumbles upon an undead body. The screen goes black and without seeing anything, we know the blind man met his doom. We pan around the town meeting the locals. We meet the mayor, his running mate, a man and his friend returning to the island to come out to his mother. After a long ass scene in a car, we finally get to see the zombie attack start. The high point of that scene was watching the driver get his face ripped off and eaten by the zombie.

One by one, people are eaten alive. The gore wasn’t there. The story was lame. The acting was weak. The movie basically sucked. I know I can write a better movie than that. I can write a zombie movie. It can’t be that hard. How hard is it? (that’s what she said)

Months ago, I came up with an idea for a movie. I didn’t have a name for it. I knew the idea. I knew how I wanted it to play out. I just needed a name. Something that would catch the appeal of the audience.  Lucky me, I have friends who are into movies (zombie movies) just as much as I am. We came up with an idea so amazing, I don’t know if I should share it.

Eff it. I will.

Can a movie get any cooler than that!? We all know the story about the Titanic. But what we were all taught when we were younger, were all lies. What if a iceberg was really just a cover up? The real reason the ship sink was because of zombies. The movie wasn’t going to be about the Titanic. I just wanted to write a movie about zombies. I had no idea how the movie was to play out. I figured it would be some virus that came aboard a ship. I was going to use Haiti as the island for the start of it all. Sadly, they had some earthquake or a hurricane, something or rather. But that kind of put that idea to an end. I could have stuck with them but if I did, people would have thought I was some asshole. I don’t want people to think that. I am not an asshole. I am just….hmm.. I don’t know. But an asshole is what I am not.

I know I want Eddie Griffin to star in it. He has to. He’s not a great actor. He’s not anyone special. But he just has to be in the movie for one line.

Hey, man! You mean to tell me they can spend 4 million dollars on a boat but they can’t spend no 50 dollars on an electric bill?

Funny? Eff you if you think otherwise. I was wanting his character to go down to the bellow of the ship and investigate a strange noise. Of course, the power is out. He flips the switch a few times but gets nothing. With no luck, he speaks that amazing line. Granted, being on a ocean liner they wouldn’t really have an electric bill.

DIETANIC

We begin our movie watching people pile on the Titanic. The rich are the first to walk on board. They are treated like kings and queens. Gwen (Sigourney Weaver) notices the crowd of third class passengers, leans over to he husband (played by the ever amazing, Kevin Spacey) and says,

Do those things really need to come aboard? Walt, they will be the death of me.

He comforts her and tells her not to worry. They won’t bother her. Being the low class passengers, they’ll spend all the time in the bottom part of the liner.

They”ll be below deck. Like in the sewers of the city. Where they belong.

The two of them board the ship. The ship is glorious. They are in awe of the splendor of the ship. This truly is a ship of dreams. As the other high class people board, the crew begin to realize that there may be problem. There isn’t enough boats. But they idea is laughed off. Why worry about boats? This ship is unsinkable. Inside, Gwen and Walt meet up with Debbie Krepts (Anne Heche). She wasn’t always rich and wealthy. She wasn’t born into a rich family. After she married a wealthy man, she changed. Money changes everyone.

She sides with Gwen about the third class passengers. The journey would be more enjoyable if they weren’t on board. The three of them chat for a bit till then feel its best to grab a few drinks before the ship sets sail.

The captain is going over the course they are to take. The weather is to be clear. Nothing really to worry about. The thought of an icebreg is brought up but the captain shrugs it off. The final passengers were boarding. It would only be a matter of time before they can set sail for the first time.

More first class passengers pile in. The thought of sharing this ocean liner with those less fortunate, turns them off. They don’t want these people to interfere with them. They are scum. They carry diseases. They are a burden on society. It all came down to, “we’re better than you”. But these high class people were unaware of what was about to be brought on board. At the end of the line was a man and his wife. A third class couple who really had nothing to lose. They approached the front of the line. She is an attractive woman but that didn’t matter. Her beauty was over shadowed by her lack of money. Her husband looked weak. He looked tired and worn out. They have traveled a long way to be on the ship. The ships hand is reluctance to let them on board with his condition but with her persuasion, he lets them on. Only if he knew then what horror he was bringing on board, he would have told them now. The couple crossed the bridge and were guided immediately, towards the third class section of the ship.  The woman carried her husband the whole way. He was too weak to walk on his own. Arriving at their room, he collpase on the bed and rested.

I’ll be fine in an hour. I just need to rest.

These two were the last people to board. The crowd on the shore cheered loudly. People on deck, waved and clapped their hands as the ship began to set sail. The ship parted from the dock. THe maiden voyage has started. These select few people were about to embark on a journey they soon wish they didn’t did. The Titanic was carrying 2,223 people on board. By the next day, only 706 people will be alive to tell the tale of what really didn’t happened.

Carlos Visited Me

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I have lived in a few different apartments. I have had my share of misfortunes. I’ve had the crappy neighbors. I’ve had a spider infestations. I’ve been robbed. All that is nothing compared to the hell I am going through now. I live above an asshole of a man named, Carlos. He’s stubborn as a mule. I joked that he was a ghost. I said how the Dead Zombie Wife murdered him one night. I have yet to ever meet this man. I have lived here for 4 months. In these 4 short months, I still haven’t seen him. Not even once. It only leads me to believe that he really is a ghost. I already know Claudia (Dead Zombie Wife) is real. I’ve heard her a few times and even had her visit me once in my dreams.

I have never seen a ghost. I claim I did once twice but thinking about it now, it was probably just my imagination.

It was Halloween night one year. I was young. I’d say 12. I woke up one night. No reason why I woke up. I just did. I slept on a bunk bed. As I was climbing off the bed, I gazed out the window. At that exact moment, I saw something float by the window. It was transparent. My mother told me it was probably neighborhood kids fooling around. But if that were true, how would they have known I was going to wake up at that exact time? Maybe I was not fully awake. Maybe my eyes were still getting adjusted. Whatever it was, I swore I saw a ghost that night. But now, I don’t. It was just my imagination running wild.

The second time isn’t really a ghost story but it still scared the s**t out of me. I left the house one early morning for work. My mother’s car was in the driveway. My car was in the street. I took a look at my moms car. I saw what looked like a black silhouette of a tall lanky man leaning against her car. It was out of the corner of my eye. I focused on my car and thought, “did I just see that?” I glanced back at her car and nothing was there. Just my imagination I bet. Still, who knows. There is plenty of things out there in the world that we cannot and will not ever explain.

I haven’t been visited by Claudia for a while. I still hear her every so often. I don’t know why this woman terrorizes me. I did nothing to her. I just ended up living in the place she once lived. But, now we come to Carlos. He did die (murdered) in my apartment. Maybe his ghost wanders the fourplex. He already haunts the place below me. Is he married? I don’t know. I have yet to ever see a woman nor have I ever heard one. I don’t even hear him. I just hear the children. (Ghost children are the scariest. Let’s just hope they aren’t ghost. I won’t be able to handle that). I feel like he’s now out to get me. Maybe not murder me but he’s out to make my life hell. He wants me out. He must still have a thing for Claudia. These two must believe my apartment is hers. I am sorry, Carlos. But Claudia is dead and gone. She may be a zombie living in my walls. She may be after my brains.

Re Your Brains

But she doesn’t pay rent. She doesn’t clean. She just creeps out of the wall on occasions and does all she can to scare the hell out of me. Are these two damned souls in cahoots? Are they taking turns to scare me away from this place? I am now certain they are. It was a normal afternoon. I was just putting my clothes away. I have a stereo sitting on my dresser. It is always off. I have turned it on maybe 3 times. I am normally listening to music through my headphones. The ghost of Carlos isn’t too fond of my Carlos hates my music. I even played a song I thought he would like but no. He hated that too. I am putting my clothes away. I am jamming away to some music. I got a cold chill. It isn’t unusual for me to get them. I get them quite frequently. The room didn’t get cold. There was no eerie sounds or voices in the room (actually there may have been. I had my headphones on. So maybe there were voices). The current song I was listening to was coming to an end. I was shocked to hear another song playing. I had to stop for a second and look around. “Where the heck is that coming from?” Turns out, the stereo I never use, the stereo that is always off, was playing music (what song started playing?), You may question me about it. You may think I hit to remote by accident. Maybe I hit ‘play’ by mistake. Neither one happened. One, I lost the remote. Secondly, if I did hit a button, I would have had to hit two buttons. One to turn it on and the second to play the CD.

I stopped the CD. And no lie but I called out, “hello!?” No one answered. I checked behind the dresser if maybe the cord was loose and somehow I pushed it back in when I closed a drawer. Maybe the song I was listening to started the CD up. Not the actual song but my phone. Maybe some electric waves went awry and triggered the stereo to boot up. I tried to recreate it. I waved the phone in front of the stereo. Nothing. I walked around my apartment to see maybe there was some sign, something that will give me an answer to what just happened.  My heart was racing. I did feel like there was someone in my apartment with me. But I found nothing. Only logical answer there is,

“Ghost of Carlos” turned it on.

This is becoming an unholy place to live. I can deal with the LL. I have no beef with Needle Nancy and Tramp Stamp. They are alive. I have seen and spoken to them both. They are just a nuisance. Could I be wrong about Richard? What if he never did leave? What if Claudia got to him first and he’s somewhere in my apartment. Could it be possible that I may be troubled by not two but three spirits? Was it Richard that turned on the music? Was it ‘The Ghost of Carlos’?  Has Carlos ventured out from his apartment to now haunt mine? Why now? Why not when I first moved in? Why play music? He hates my music. Could he have been trying to get a noise complaint on me? Far fetched but you never know.

Why must I be the victim to these unruly spirits? I can handle DZW. She doesn’t harm me. She bugs the crap out of me but that’s all. I shouldn’t jinx myself. Who knows what these two people are up to. I haven’t heard Carlos today. I haven’t heard Claudia either. I have heard pounding on my walls the last few days. I assume it’s the Lazy Laundriers knocking boots but upon my inspection once, there was no car out front. Leads me to believe it was Claudia or someone in the LL is unfaithful to the other.

I will keep you posted if anymore odd things begin to happen to me. Please if you know someone who can exorcise a demon, ghost, or a zombie, please let me know. I rather not fall victim to these two creatures. Thank you,

Boogedy, Boogedy, Boo!

This is the way the world ends…

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This is the way the world ends…

This is the way the world ends….

This is the way the world ends…

Not with a bang but a whimper.

T.S. Eliot

If you were to ask anyone when the world was going to end, you can be sure they will say 12/21/12. Oh, those silly Mayan’s. Those mofo’s from so long ago decided to strike fear in the heart of (wo)man with a date so embedded in our minds, that we fear what will happen when that finally arrives. I find myself constantly watching documentaries about the topic. Earthquakes, floods, volcanoes, tsunamis, among other deadly acts of nature. These people go on to say that if we were to survive that, we would have to live through a nuclear winter. The massive ash clouds (from the super volcanoes) will block out the sun. Eventually, plant life will die. When the plants die, so does our livestock. But again, if we were to live through that, we’ll have to suffer through global blackouts. The world will grow cold and eventually, we’ll either be struck by planet X or a large solar flare will rip a hole in our protective seal and nuke everything.

Now we’re dead. What a crappy way to die. That’s only if their theories are correct. I had a theory.  I was sure the world was going to end on 09/09/09 but it didn’t. I was upset when it didn’t. Not that I am wanting the world to end with me in it but to pick a date and be sure as hill that it will and it doesn’t. Yeah, it pissed me off. According to something I read or was told (or maybe I just made it up and thought it was told to me), the actual number of the devil isn’t 666 but 999. It’s kind of like when you’re reading a book upside down. So I believed that Armageddon was going to fall upon us on 09/09/09. Not to mention, it was just a day after my 30th birthday and we all know there is no life after 30. Put those two tidbits together and, BAM! End of the world.

09/09/09 came and went. I woke up that day. I look outside. Hmph. No fire. No brimstone. Damn you, logic! I felt cheated. So if that wasn’t the big end of the world date, what is? Is it 12/21/12? Will we come to a halt on that day? I can go on and explain everyone’s theories about it just being their calendar and that’s when their cycle ends. But I don’t want to. I don’t believe that will be the day it all comes crashing down. When the world does come to an end, no one alive today will witness it. Could the date mean something? Maybe. Do I think so? No.

I went to see the blockbuster 2012. It was a waste of money. It was a movie disaster. (yes. I meant to write that). Sure it was exciting to watch California fall in the ocean. We witnessed a super volcano kill Woody Harrelson. Even the cool guy, John Cusack couldn’t save the world. And what happens at the end of the movie? It’s effin’ Noah’s Ark! Sorry if I spoiled it for you. As a favor, I won’t say what happens at the end of Titanic. The effects were awesome. The acting was weak. But like all the movies that preceded it, I went and watched it. I love disaster movies. I love movies about the end of the world or the end of the human race. So how will the world end?

Zombies.

It might not seem plausible but I will take this idea over all the others. I imagine far too often about this. It’s usually when I am driving home from the movies. There is this road I take always when I head back home. As I am driving down it, I get this picture playing in my head of a woman running down the street towards me. She is waving frantically. She is covered in blood. As I get closer, I see a man chasing her. Holy s*t! It’s a zombie. I slam on my breaks and stop in the road. She reaches my car and bangs on the window. I hear her screaming to let her in. I don’t though. I am frozen in fear. I see the zombie getting closer. She catches me staring at him and screams louder. I am still sitting there. I don’t know what to do. It’s not until the zombie lunges at her and she is tackled to the ground. He devours her, ripping the flesh from her arms and chest. I speed away and keep looking in my review mirror. The zombie is up and walking away. Ahead of me, I see a herd of zombies lurching out from the woods.

I’m effed.

This is usually when I snap back to reality and have a hard time deciding what I want to be. Do I want to be a zombie and feast on flesh or be one of those rebels who hunt down zombies? I think I would look good in camouflage. I want to wear combat boots (you’re mother wears combat boots). I want to have a backpack full of ammo, guns strapped to my body and a hunting knife tucked inside my boot. I’d be a bad-ass. Zombies just don’t decided to get up one day. They don’t just want to dance and hang with the King of Pop. Something has to start turning the wheels. I know exactly how it starts and who starts it. Let me break it down for you..

How Did I Effin’ Forget This!?

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soapHow on earth did I not put this on my top ten action movies!? It is my all time favorite movie. I shouldn’t really say, “all time favorite”. Saying that will just put the whole purpose of a top ten list to rest. There would be no reason for it. It is up there as one of my all time favorite movies. Sure the movie is campy, sure it’s not a blockbuster movie or close to being “Citizen Kane”. But come on? It’s Snakes. On a effin’ plane! Take two things people fear the most and mash it together. Some folks fear zombies and planes. No need to worry. They covered that too! Both movies were great. I was psyched for this movie (SoaP) well before it ever came out. There was a site, (www.snakesonablog) that kept all fans informed about news, parodies, and his mission to get to the premire.  deadplane

Snakes on a Plane starred Samuel L. Jackson as, FBI Agent Neville Flynn.  He was transporting a passenger to California to testify in a case against crime boss, Eddie Kim. The witness, Sean, is the only one who can put Eddie away for life. Kim cannot have that. He devises a plane to keep Sean from talking. Flight Pacific Air 121 is loaded with passengers. We have the sex crazed, put smoking youngsters, the “Paris Hilton” type chick,  rapper, 3 G’s (He can make your booty go thump) and his posse, the angry business man, the sexy foreign single mother and baby,  the newlyweds on their flight back to the California, a kickboxing champion, and a couple of kids traveling without their parents. The stewardesses help make the cast a well rounded group. Claire is quitting and moving on to bigger and better things. Grace is retiring, but had to give it one more go. Ken is the only male steward on board. Him and his girlfriend are big fans of kickboxing. He tries to show his moves to the kickboxing champ but hurts himself in the process. Tiffany is the last flight attendant. She’s all hot for Sean. She sneaks up to see him, assuming he’s a felon, being transported by the feds. There, she finds out he’s to testify against Kim.

The flight takes off. Flynn walks around the cabin, checking on things. He runs into Claire who isn’t to happy about them comadeering the plane. After a brief encounter and a quick understanding, they become instant friends. 3 G’s spots Mercedes (Paris Hilton chick). He quickly offers her a role in his next video. The flight hits the point of no return and then, the real action starts. Deep below in the cargo hold, a timer reaches zero and the door to a large crates busts open, releasing hundreds of venomous snakes. The pot smoking couple, decide to join the mile high club and sneak off into the bathroom. Inside, they light up a joint, yanking out the smoke detector. Unbeknownto them, slithering above them, is a deadly viper. We are treated to snake night vision. We follow the snake as he makes his way to the open hole in the bathroom.He hangs above them, before he drops and sinks his fangs into the women voluptuous breasts. Panic insues. Outside, Grace and Ken hear them. “Oh, he’s good.” Then silence. She scoff and adds, “well, maybe not that good.” They continue on, totally oblivious to what really happened inside.

The snakes continue to slither around the plane, sneaking in purses, barf bags, going up dresses and hiding beneath passengers seats. Inside the pilots cabin, co-pilot, Rick fends off a snake that found its way to the controls. The pilot meets an untimely death, while trying to fix a mechanical issues below deck. Before long, Rick is scared to find more snakes slithering about the controls. He grabs a clipboard and beats the snakes. Unfortunately, he hits a button and releases the oxygen masks. With no other way to go, the snakes begin dropping down, falling on the passengers. Panic fills the plane. People begin getting bit and bit some more. From that point on, we see some passengers, meet their untimely end. But the others have one way out. His name is, Samuel L. Jackson. He tazors snakes, grabs them with his hands and beats them, and some, he just tosses about like rubber toys. The movie started with a PG-13 rating but fans wanted more. Jackson is known for his love of the phrase, “mother f**ker”. With a lot of asking and nagging, David Ellis, director of 3 of the Final Destination films, went back and added, more gore, nudity, and that phrase we all wanted to hear.

The movie created such an online buzz, it was popular well before the movie even came out. DC Lugi, created spoofs about the movie. One of my favorites is, “Early SoaP Auditons”. We’re treated to some great impressions like, Robert DeNiro and Christopher Walken. Even, musical group, Cobra Starship got in on the act and released a song just for the movie. God, that song is great. Everyone got in on the act. People created cafepress shirts. I bought two. Hell, I had to. I had to show my support for the epic movie. I do have an offical shirt and hat. A soapmanfriend attended the annual Comic Con and snagged me a set. I was crazy about this movie and mentioned it where ever I went. I went opening night.

The movie means a lot to me. I’ve seen it at least two dozen times and will make it four dozen times before 2010 is up. Should I claim this as my number one movie? Should I have said this was my all time favorite action flick? I don’t know. It is a great movie but now that I think about it, Die Hard, Wanted, Terminator, and all the others, have more action than SoaP had. Maybe SoaP will be lucky enough to spawn a sequel. Will it happen? Not likely. But one can dream.

I highly reccomand you see this movie. I have seen movies way cornier than this. Movies with worst acting and a terrible plot. Those movies could be better if they had Samuel L. Jackson. He’ll make any movie a hit.

And now, some music!