Shoo Doggie Shoo: Part III

I eventually felt the need to create yet another movie. It was going to be a sequel to the first, “Shoo Doggie Shoo”. I guess I couldn’t really call it a sequel. I was going to base the movie off of my site and those people who had a place in the hidden forums titles, “Those We Hate”. The movie was titled, “Shoo Doggie Shoo II: Riding the Ban Wagon”. It was going to have a central plot. I was going to take different people, different posts and stories, and mold them into one story. You’d be surprised at how well everything was going to work so smoothly. I mean, take an alien invasion, a superhero, soap, Jesus, and a gang of misfits, toss in a few robots and you have a movie.

I never finished the movie. I never even got very far with it. I do have some of the files saved. I still have documents written out about how I wanted the movie to play out. Below is a trailer to the movie. I wish I got to finish this one. I bet it would have been epic. I mean these people already hated me and everyone else on my site. It’s not like it was going to matter. I mean, what can they really do?

One poster in particular was on a mission to shut my site down. He was hell-bent on getting me in trouble. I believe he said he either contacted the FBI or was going to contact the FBI. Either or, nothing happened. You people across the pond are some crazy mofo’s. Thank you to a friend down under for showing this guy for the liar he really was. You rock, Bundean!

I can honestly go on for hours about everything that went on within my little corner of the web. It was a pretty wyld ride. Eventually, the site had to close. It had a great run. It was well over 30,000 posts. It should be more but I eff’ed up one day and deleted it all. But we took it with a grain of salt and went on hating. I still kick myself over that. With the closing of TSO and the dust settling, I made the hard choice to close my forums. A sad day it was. I have the database file still. Not sure if it will ever work. Would I like to see my site again? Hell yeah, I would! I would love to relive some of those memories. We were a pretty funny bunch.











I should thank everyone. Thank you, April, Tyler, Jackie, Kami, Corp, Natalie, TJ, Heidi, Joey, Brian, The Peterson’s, and everyone else who I forgot to mention. That time of my life will always be cherished.


Shoo Doogie Shoo: Part II

I had to host the movie somewhere. It was too long to post on Youtube. I ended up buying a domain name and server space. I dropped the movie on Google Video (it’s no longer available) and embedded it on my site. After a month or two of the site sitting empty, I felt like adding a forum to it.  My forums were to be a place for me to post videos and stories I wrote and have discussions about life, television, currents events, and even to let off some steam.

The site grew beyond anything I expected. I had no real rules to the forums. I let people speak their minds and say what they wanted, even if they used words not deemed suitable for young viewers. Before long, the official TSO message boards (stratics as it is called) said my forums can no longer be linked from post on their site due to the content on mine. To circumnavigate around this, I hid the forums to any non-member. It was a way also to force people to sign up and see what all the fuss was really about. As I said above, I had no rules to m site. But eventually, people who I didn’t care for began to sign up. They weren’t interested in the site itself, they just wanted to see if they were being talked about. Truth be told, you probably were. I eventually made a mock up of rules.


1. While making old topics will be brought up about the earlier version of Pit.Calm, further discussion about how you miss it, how much cooler or more active it was, is not permitted. Discussing past events that are relevant to the topic on hand, or totally off topic is okay to mention.

2. Each forum on the internet is different in some way. Some talk about sandwiches and some talk about video games. This is an open discussion forum. Anything and everything can be discussed within these walls as long as they don’t conflict with Rule 9.

3. Everyone is welcome to post here. Posters here may not respect your views and some people might not even respect you. If you don’t like that, or feel the idea of being trolled or being called a name is lame or cruel, I suggest you don’t continue on the .calm journey. Please find another forum. I have my rules and other forums have their communistic rule.

4. Discussion of online scamming is never to be discussed. Discussion of the scamming crusade, will be locked and placed in the appropirtae locked forum. Please keep all scamming discussions to PMs or go find a website just for that.

5. Lurking about the forums and not being part of the discussion, gives many people rage. Rage is not something that goes over well here. It is not being said that you post and live on .calm, thought many do, a simple hello or hi, or whatever else people say in greeting would be nice.

6. Lame attempts at trying to disrupt the board or posters, will not get you banned. No one gets banned from .Calm. You get limited. If you don’t know what that means, I suggest you try it out.

7. This is not a site to promote the sales of online goods. I don’t care how much Jesus went in to the making of the soap. The posters at .Calm are more in to body wash. Soap has been proved by scientist to not only wash away dirt but also sins.

8. Your opinions matters slightly.

10. Rule 9 is not mentioned in the RoCs. While, we do our best to not have rules, sometimes you need them. Sometimes a few rules may not be mentioned. This is the safety net to .Calm. If it is felt that your actions are in poor taste or just not found funny, smart, etc…rule 9 will be drawn on you. Respect rule 9. It has been the most broken rule on pit.calm.

11. Drama lies within. Hate lies within. If you don’t want to stress youself out, stay the hell out. If you need to vent or whatever, I suggest you join the poster group and do so. Please be aware that doing this can and probably will conflict with a numbers of the following rules.

12. For good measure, don’t be a fucking dumbass.

You’d be amazed by people. How many times have people said to you, “I don’t care what people say about me.” You know what? People do. To those that said it, I am 100% certain you had a hate thread. Yes, I had hidden forums. Those who had access to it were people I trusted. This group became known as “the lemmings”. We had love threads too. We had post about our plans to infiltrate the stratics network. We found their hidden forums and saw them discussing us, like we were discussing them. Every so often, a fellow Lemming was banned from stratics. But using their savvy internet knowledge, they found their way back on the boards. What was our crowning achievement?


The Chase Story.

I wrote this about a year ago. I used to run a website (www.pitweston.com). Don’t go there. It’s dead and gone. Let me explain the site to you. I used to play a game called, The Sims Online. There was a message board for players to post one. One post in particular was a classic from the day it was posted. It was about a girl, Kari (at least that was here username). In her post, she mentioned how a man was trying to break in her house and kidnap her. He already kidnapped her friend and drowned her in a lake. She was scared. But she threw a stick at him and saved the day.

Backtrack some. I owned a game, “The Movies”. It was a simulation game. You ran a movie studio. You were also able to make movies. So I thought, why not make a movie about that post. So I did that. It was a huge hit. But I needed some place to post it. So I got a website and hosted it there. The site was quiet for a while. I thought about adding a forum to it. To post my writings, movies, and what not. The site became more than I ever imagined. It was a trash talking, mud slinging site. A poster by the name of Chase posted on it. I don’t know why, but I wrote this story about him. I wrote it in parts and at times, I had a poll for the readers to decide what happened next. This is PART I of the story.

PS…It hasn’t been edited. There are grammar and spelling errors. PART II coming shortly.

One bright sunny Monday morning, chase was on his way to school. He looked so happy. He skipped the whole way, humming along to “It’s Raining Men”. He screamed in horror! His left heel broke. But he didn’t worry. He dug in his purse and pulled out some super glue and fixed it up. “Hey Chase!”
A voice called out from behind him. It was his best friend, Sally. Sally and him were like two peas in a pod. They did everything together. They went to the movies, the malt shop, sometimes they got their nails done together too. Sally reached around Chase and give him a big hug. Chase returned a hug, lifting his left leg in the air, bending it gently at the knee.
“You excited about school today Chase?” Asked Sally.
Chase smiled. “Oh course I am silly! Who wouldn’t be?” Chase and her walked side by side. He took a sip of his juice box and offered a sip to Sally, which she declined. Sally and Chase were just entering their Freshmen year in high school. It was going to be a big step for Chase and Sally. They were once the queens of the school but now, they have to start over at the bottom. Chase didn’t mind. He always preferred the bottom. Being the top was too much work for him. He liked the idea of it. A new school, new faces, a new learning experience. Chase even wondered about dating. Even Sally wondered. Would she meet the right guy? What about Chase? Sally always liked Chase Sally wasn’t dumb. She knew Chase liked her. But did he like her, like her? She had to ask. Maybe at lunch.
“Let’s do lunch Chase! I got to something to ask you.” Sally said. A smile was on her face. Chase smiled back and gave her another hug. “Okay.” he said, “Let’s get to the bus stop. We don’t want to be late to our first day of school!” Chase and Sally jogged to the bus stop and waited as the bus came to a stop. The doors opened and they entered. Sally and Chase took the two seats at the back of the bus. “Geez Chase!” Sally said jokingly. “Why always back here?”
Chase smiled and shrugged. “What can I say Sally? I prefer it in the back.”

Chase and Sally arrived at school. They entered inside. It was bigger than they thought. The bigger kids would stop and look at the freshmen and mouths insults towards them. But Chase was the bigger man. He had to be big at something. He lacks size in many departments. “Don’t listen to them Sally. We can do whatever we want.” He stuck out his tongue to the other students and made faces. As he stood there, a girl ran in to him and knocked him to his feet. “Watch it loser!” She yelled.
Chase wiped a single tear away from his cheek and held on to Sally’s hand. The bell rang and like a herd of cattle, the students scattered and went to their respected classrooms. “I’ll walk you to your class Sally.” Chase said.
Sally smiled. She knew Chase loved her. She just knew it. But how would she ask him? She didn’t want to come off as a bitch but how else do you say, “Do you like me?”
Surprisingly, Chase and Sally had their first class together. The teacher was already calling off names. “You’re both late. Find a seat and sit down.” He said to them. Chase and Sally looked around. The other students looked at them and laughed. Sally scanned the room, hoping to find two seats open next to each other. “Sally! Over here!”
It was Tina. Tina was Sally’s best friend since grade school. “I saved you a seat.” Sally looked at Chase. She didn’t say it, but it was that look in her eye. It was almost as if she was asking if it was okay. But Chase didn’t mind. He smiled and let her go about her way. Chase stood there still looking for a place to sit. In the back of the room was an empty chair. “In the back! My favorite.”
Chase walked to the back of the room and took his seat. He focused on Sally and just daydreamed about her. Sally did the same. Their eyes met and neither of them would look away. “HEY!”

Chase was startled. He looked to his right. Sitting there was a kid about his size. He gave Chase another hello. Chase responded back. The boy was playing with a pencil, blowing it up the desk and letting it roll back down, repeating this over and over. He stopped and slammed his hand on the desk, stopping the pencil. He caught Chase staring at Sally. “Who is she? She your girlfriend?” The kid was doing his best to hold back his laughter but couldn’t help it.
“Her!? NO! She’s just my friend.” Chase defended himself. He looked back at Sally who was talking to Tina, giggling about whatever it is girls giggle about.
Chase sighed. With Sally way over there, who was he to talk to now? The kid next to him tapped Chase on the shoulder. “This is going to be so awesome!” the kid said.
“What is?” Chase asked.
“Us. You know how much fun we’ll have back here? You can screw around so much in the back and no one will notice. It’s so much more fun in the back.”
Chase swung around, stretched his arm out and grinned from ear to ear. “The name’s Chase.”
“Hey Chase.” He smiled and shook Chase’s hand, “The names Riley.”

Chase and Riley chatted the whole time during class. It was almost like Chase forgot who Sally was. Why shouldn’t he? She traded him in for an old friend. Tina and Sally did go way back. They were best friends in kindergarten and still best friends to this day. After class, Chase walked to his locker. He tried a few times to open it but was having a tough time. Riley came by. Surprisingly, he was just two lockers down from him. “Let me help.” He said.
Riley banged twice on the locker and it opened instantly. “Wow! That was awesome! How’d you know what to do?”
Riley smiled and went back to his locker, “It just takes a few good pounds and it’ll open for ya.” He stopped and gave Chase a look. It was the kind of look that Sally gives Chase. “What can I say? I’m a pro at pounding the shit out of anything.”
Chase smiled back. He grabbed his books and headed off to his next class. Sally was behind him and was running quickly to catch up. “Hey Chase! Sorry about that. I didn’t know Tina was going to be in the same class.” Chase was about to speak but Sally cut him off and went about her story, talking nonstop. “Gosh, I haven’t seen her all summer. You would think us being BFF’s we would have seen each other everyday. You’re not mad at me, are you? Cause you can tell me Chase. You can tell me anything.”
“It’s okay. I did make a friend though.”
Sally’s ears perked up like a little puppy. “Oh!? Who?” She was curious about his newly found friend was. Was it a girl? Was she going to be replaced? What about the big question she wants to ask him? Would it all be a lost cause? Sally worried about it. She really liked Chase. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe they were only meant to be friends and nothing more.
“His name is Riley. He’s a really cool kid. Him and I like the same stuff. He asked if him and I could hang out this weekend.” He looked at Sally. She was happy for him but upset at the same time. She didn’t want to be replaced. This was the start of high school. She thought they would be hanging out every weekend. It was almost like they had too. She had it all planned out already.
They would date all through high school. He would work his way on the football team, she would become a cheerleader. They would join all the clubs imaginable. Senior year, they would be crowned king and queen. After high school, they would attend the same school. Her choice, of course. Then they would get a place together. He would propose to her at a fancy restaurant by candlelight, then marry 3 months later. Three kids. Two boys and a girl. They would live in the suburbs. He would work at the office and she would stay home to care for the kids. It was perfect. She had it all planned out.
Chase couldn’t ruin her dreams of a perfect life. She wouldn’t let someone else ruin it for her. If she had to she would go to the most extreme to rid him of all friends and chances he had to trade her in for someone else.
“It’s okay Chase. You can hang out with your new friend. I’ll see if Tina is doing anything. I hope her parents let her out. They are kind of strict.” But Sally did care. She was going to put an end to it. She was going to make sure that Chase and Riley don’t hang out this weekend.
“Let’s get to class Chase. Maybe we can find a seat by each other together this time.” Sally rushed up to Chase’s side and wiggled her hand in to his. “We’re going have the best time here Chase. Can’t you just see it?”
“Yeah…we will.” He said. But his mind was on something else and it was only 2 lockers down from him. Sally was right about one thing. He was going to have the best time here.

School went on about normal. Chase went to his classes and Sally went to hers. It was the final period before lunch. Sally was overly excited about it. It was going to be her moment to shine. Her moment to confess her love to Chase. It was going to be the start of a life together. Sally wasn’t worried much. She knew he was going to say yes. She was 100 percent sure of it.
Five minutes till lunch. Sally was sitting in biology class. She wasn’t even listening to the teacher. She didn’t care much about what the year was going to cover. She was only concerned about Chase. She dreamed about the moment when she asks him. Maybe Sally was dreaming too long. She felt a tap on her shoulder. It was the teacher. “You okay Sally?” He asked.
“Oh sorry. I must have spaced out.” She said with the look of embarrassment on her face.
He smiled and shook his head, “Well, let’s try to keep the dreaming at home. We don’t want to start off on the wrong foot.” He hurried her off to lunch.
Sally got to the lunchroom. It was already packed. The line was long and the tables were filling up with students. Sally looked around for Chase. Maybe he got here already and saved her a seat. She saw Tina though. But this wasn’t a day to sit by Tina. Actually, by the look of who Tina was sitting with, them sharing a seat together might never happen. The girls look like prostitutes. The make up was piled on, the hair soaked in hairspray. Any open fire near them and those girls would instantly burst in to flames. The hair and the make up were just the icing on the cake. The outfits they had on screamed, “I’m easy”. Sally had a word for those girls. She called them, “Whoes.” Tina was her friend, but those girls weren’t something she would ever want to be associated with.
Tina didn’t see Chase. That was a good thing though. It just meant she could stand here and wait for him to arrive. Sally was nervous. It was almost like she was going to propose to him. “Hey! You’re Sally, right?” Sally got a gentle tap on her shoulder.
She looked behind her. It was Riley. She sighed and gave him a fake smile. “Yeah. You must be Riley.”
He nodded. “Yeah.” There was an awkward silence between them. The looked at each other and around the lunchroom. “So…” Riley paused, “I hope you don’t mind if I sit with you two.”
Sally’s world came crashing down around her. How could Chase allow that? Why would he let this nobody sit with them. It was supposed to be her moment. Her time to shine. She wasn’t interested in talking about comic books or ISP’s or botting…She wanted to tell Chase how she felt. She barely even knew Riley but he was quickly becoming her arch nemesis. He couldn’t be here. She had plans. This lunch, their first lunch of high school, was going to be the start of their life. It was going to set in motion everything. It was meant to be. This Riley kid wasn’t going to ruin it for her. Nowhere in her plans was there a Riley. Where was he to fit in? It was going to her Chase and Sally forever, forever till they both die in each other’s arms.
Chase walked in. Sally’s eyes widened. She glowed. She waited for Chase to give her a hug and a kiss but received nothing. Instead, he went right to Riley and gave him some low five and a secret handshake. Sally was confused. How was it, that it took Chase three weeks to even kiss her, let alone hold her hand, but it took him less than 5 hours to already create a secret handshake with a complete stranger. She was beginning to hate Riley more and more. How could be come in here, acting like he’s the greatest thing and ruin what she was starting. Riley was going to ruin it all. She may as well just kill Chase and her now. Why go on living when her plans were going to be trashed.
Chase and Riley walked to the lunch line. Sally followed closing behind. In line, Chase and Riley discussed the newest X-Men comic book. Sally just stood there. Her mind wandered.
Sally found herself in a dark and empty gymnasium. She wasn’t alone. She couldn’t see very well, but there was someone hiding in the corner of the gym. Sally didn’t know why but she had to go to them. With each step she took, it echoed throughout the gym. The figure didn’t move. It just stood there in it’s safe corner. Sally continued on. Her once empty hand, was now clutching on to a knife. She didn’t question it. It felt normal, like she was suppose to have it.
She approached the figure. It was a man. A young boy to be more precise. But she couldn’t make out who it was. It didn’t really matter to Sally. It was all clear to her. She lifted the knife in the air and drove it right in to the chest of the dark figure in front of her.
“OW! What was that for!?” Chase screamed out.
Sally was back in the lunchroom. All eyes were on her. She turned red and tried to ignore the looks. It was a very uneasy feeling. It’s tough to keep your composer when you have 400 eyes on you. “Sorry Chase. I was just playing.” She said.
Sally didn’t like the dream. She killed someone. That wasn’t her. She couldn’t, she wouldn’t do that. Sally couldn’t ever imagine herself killing someone. She couldn’t even kill an animal. Sally was too nice. “I wouldn’t hurt a fly.” she said to herself.
Riley put his arm around Chase’s shoulder. No, Notoday. Not that kind of “arm around the shoulder” thing. It’s a friendship type thing. “You’re friend is strange. Let’s find a seat”, Riley looked back at Sally, “alone.”
Chase looked at Sally and shrugged. “Sorry Sally. Maybe tomorrow.” The boys walked away. They took a seat at a table and began lunch together. It was the start of a friendship and the end of Sally’s perfect life.
Sally looked at Riley and Chase. Their friendship was sickening. Sally clenched her fist. It was reminiscent of dream. “I wouldn’t hurt a fly”, she said,
“Unless that fly is named Riley.”

The first day of school was done and over. The students rushed out of school quickly. Chase waited on the school bus. He was tucked away in the back, like always. He looked out the window, waiting for Sally to show. He wanted to tell her about his day and he wanted to know all about hers. Coming out of the school was Sally and Tina. They chit chatted a bit, till they hugged each other. Sally went to the bus, while Tina entered her parents car.
“Back here Sally!” Chase said. He scooted over slightly, and patted his hand on the seat, urging Sally to sit. Sally really didn’t want to. It was over. “Why even bother?” she thought. He was going to hang with Riley all school year. She already kissed the crown goodbye. Her dreams went up in smoke. Although, Riley wasn’t here. That was a plus. Maybe she could weasel her way back to Chase. This could be her chance to get him back.
“Hey Chase!” Sally sucked it up and acted like the bitch she really was. “Oh My God! Tell me everything!” She sat down and tossed herself all over Chase. A hug, a few kisses, hands on his lap.
“Well, you met Riley at lunch…” Stop.
Exactly what Sally expected. It was going to start Riley and end with Riley. Chase had Riley on the brain. “What’s so great about Riley anyways?” Sally thought to herself. But it didn’t matter. She was going to make Riley just a memory. Sally wants the crown. If she has to go to great lengths to get it. If she had to, and Sally choked when she thought about it, but if she had to murder someone to get the crown back, she would.
Chase went on about Riley. “Did I tell you he’s loves sushi? Isn’t that awesome!? I love sushi too! He hates waffles too, just like me! And…and. Sally, you’re never going to believe this..him and I got the same thing for lunch.” Chase sighed. He was acting like a little school girl, just giggling and blushing about the whole thing. It was all about Riley.
“Yeah..I guess that’s pretty neat.” Sally rolled her eyes. She looked at Chase. She put his hands in to hers. “So Chase. I got something to ask you.”
Chase squinted his eyes. He had a look of concerned on him. What could she possibly want to ask him. It must be pretty serious. “okay….” he said.
“Well. I am going to ask you straight out. Not jumping around, beating around the bush. Going to be straight and narrow. Stick to the point, no dodging bullets, dragging it out, dragging it on…”
“Chase..wanna go out?” She did it. She asked him. It wasn’t that hard. Now, she has to see what he’ll say.
“Sure. Where?” He asked.
Sally laughed. “No..I don’t mean that Chase. I mean us. You wanna date? Like be boyfriend and girlfriend?”

Sally sat there. She waited for Chase to respond. It seemed like a whole night passed and he still hasn’t given her an answer. “Well Chase. Do you want to be a couple or not?”
Chase paused. He looked at Sally. He gripped her hand tightly in his and answered the million dollar question. “Sally, we’re friends. I don’t want to spoil that. Let’s not spoil what we have.”
Sally jerked her hand away from him. “So is this how it is going to be now? Just friends?” She sighed, “You know, I thought you were something special. I thought maybe, you know, you would be the perfect guy. But you’re just like all the other guys in school.”
“Wait Sally. I am not like all the guys in this school. I am totally different than them.” Chase put up a line of defense. He did love Sally but not like that. He didn’t want to get involved in romance. He didn’t want to spend his time thinking before he talks. Anything he says could end up being twisted to make him the bad guy.
Sally laughed. “I bet there is someone else.” Sally looked at Chase. “So…Is there someone else?”
“No! There is no one else. I promise you that. Look Sally, let’s not make this a fight. I don’t want to lose you as a friend. You’re the only friend I have. The only one!”
“Oh come on now Chase. Don’t fucking lie to me. What about that Riley kid? I thought you and him were like best friends now?”
“Wait a minute Sally. Don’t start in with that. I saw you and that other chick talking. What was her name, Gina or something like that.”
Sally sighed and tossed her head to the side. “Her name is Tina and don’t bring that shit up. you know, Tina is probably more of a man than you’ll ever be. At least she isn’t scared to tell me the truth.”
The bus came to a stop. “This is my stop.” Sally said. She got up and walked towards the front of the bus.
“No it isn’t Sally. We got three more stops.”
Sally kept walking, turning around to give him one last ‘fuck you’. “THIS IS MY STOP. Don’t follow me Chase. I want to be alone. I have things to think about.”
“Like what?” Chase asked.
Sally kept walking. Chase kept repeating himself over and over, “Like what? Like what Sally?” He ran to the other side of the bus. He pounded on the window, “Sally! Please stop! Talk to me! Don’t be like this!”
Sally didn’t listen. She ignored him and went about her way. She had quite a walk ahead of her. It was the prefect time for her to think about things. There were no puppy dogs and sunshine filling her thoughts. Her thoughts were dark and sinister. Chase ruined her life. He broke her heart. She had to retaliate. He broke her heart, she would do the same to him. She just had to think of how and when.
Maybe it was pure luck, or maybe it was fate. Coming around the corner, walking alone was Riley. He looked so happy. “What’s he so happy about?” Sally thought to herself. Riley has no reason to be happy. Why should he be happy and why should she feel miserable? Sally thought of the only logical thing to do. She was going to kill Riley. Okay, maybe not the most logical but a story by me isn’t complete unless people die. Sally was a sweet girl. She was happy, had goals and was in love. All that is now changed. Sally’s parents were right. High school changes you. Sally walked towards Riley. He saw her and paused a moment. “Hi Riley!” she shouted from afar. He said “hello” and waited for her to arrive. “Mind if I walk with you. I got some stuff I want to tell you about Chase.” She put her hand on his shoulder. “It’s bad.”

“Where do I begin?” She asked Riley. They both walked together. This was her chance to ruin Chase. She needed to come up with some real whoppers. It had to be enough to cut the ties between Riley and Chase.
“Start from the beginning, I guess.” He said to Sally.
Sally did just that. “Well, Chase is a very troubled kid.”
“Troubled how?” He asked.
“Enough where you might get hurt. See, this one time in 5th grade, he met this new kid. I forgot his name. His name isn’t really that important. So this kid and Chase became really good friends. They -were always together. Chase was sort of controlling. He wouldn’t let the kid go anywhere or do anything unless he knew about it first. So the kid lied one day and said he was sick. Chase wanted him to go bike riding with him at the park. So Chase went to the park alone. Well, turns out on his way home, Chase caught his ‘friend’ with another kid.”
“So he lied to Chase, big deal.” Riley said.
“It is a BIG deal! Let me finish. So Chase saw them riding bikes together. Chase was so upset, he followed them both back to the other kids house. His friend rode off and headed back home. Chase walked up to the front door and asked to see the kid who stole his friend away. When he opened the door, Chase beat the kid up.” Sally paused. She waited to see if Riley would say anything.
“Wow…Geez…What happened to the kid? Was he okay?”
Sally stepped in front of Riley. “No one knows. His parents were so upset and worried it might happen again, they packed up and moved away.”
“Wait…there’s more.” Sally stepped back and they both continued walking. “Once when Chase and his friend, the same one..well, they were playing football in the front yard. A kid asked if he could join. Chase’s friend said it was okay, but Chase kept saying no. Moments later, Chase was on top of the kid beating him in the face with the football. Kid had to get 50 stitches. And his ‘friend’? Well..he got it just as bad. Chase not only beat his face in with a football, but stoned him with rocks. It wasn’t until a neighbor saw him that he got away.”
“WOW!” Said Riley. “What should I do? I mean, Chase was really friendly with me. At first I thought he was like hitting on me, but I don’t know. He sounds sort of mental.”
“He is.” Sally said.
“Then why are you still his friend?’ Riley asked.
“I have known him forever. I just don’t want other people to get hurt. If I could, I would have stopped being his friend a long time ago. Trust me Riley, I would stop hanging out with him if I were you..It’s not worth it.”
Sally stopped at the crosswalk. “Well, I live just down there. Riley, please for your sake, stay away from Chase. He’s bad news.”
Riley didn’t say anything. He just stood there.
Riley stuttered a bit. “I…I…I got to go….” He ran off.
“YOU DO BELIEVE ME, RIGHT!? RILEY!! STAY AWAY FROM HIM! HE’S GONNA GET YOU HURT IF YOU DON’T!” Sally smiled. She thought she did a pretty good job. They sounded believable. She just hoped Riley fell for them.

Riley got home. He thought about what Sally said. He knew she was full of shit. But why? Why would she lie to him and make up all this stuff about Chase? He was not going to hang out with this girl at all this year. Even at lunch she scared him. She just, for no reason, hit Chase. Maybe she was mental. Maybe she really needs help. Riley felt it was his duty to call Chase.
“Hello?” Chased said. He was sitting on the couch watching TV. Normally, he would be at Sally’s house or out with her shopping, or doing something lady like, but today was not the day. Sally was different. It was as if she was a totally different person. What made her snap? What was going though her head? Chase had so many questions. He even tried to call her but she didn’t answer. He left a few messages. By a few, he means 20. A little over obsessive, so maybe Sally was a little right about him.
“Hey. Can I talk to you? It’s Riley.”
Chase didn’t mind. He had someone to talk to at least. “Listen, Sally talked to me when I was walking home. She said some pretty nasty things about you,”
“What!? Sally!? Like What!?” Chase had rage. How could his best friend talk shit on him? What was Sally doing? Was this because he didn’t want to be her boyfriend? That’s all he could think of.
“She said how you’re a really jealous person and you beat up a few people cause they tried to steal a friend away from you.” Riley said, “Is that true?”
“NO! I would never do that! I am the least jealous person ever. Sounds like to me, she is the jealous one. I think she doesn’t like you Riley. Maybe she thinks you’re trying to steal me away from her. ”
“Which isn’t true. She is still your friend. Nothing wrong with having two friends.” Riley said to Chase.
“Right. She is about to get an earful. What should I do?” Chase asked.
Riley thought for a moment. By the way his face looked, you would have thought him and Sally were twins.
“I got an idea, but it is a bit crazy. Not sure if you’ll be up for it.”
Chase didn’t stutter. “Oh, I am up for anything. If she is trying to hurt me and hurt you, I will do the same to her. I am tired of her shit. She plays this poor me thing off too much. Tell me Riley, what’s your idea?”
Riley told him everything. He explained it all. It was a good idea. If Chase said no to it, Riley would do it himself. He even said that. He wasn’t going to let some chick tell him who he can and can’t be friends with. Sally was about to get what’s coming towards her. She can play ball pretty good but Riley and Chase can play it better. They just needed to make their move. It was a long shot. All they needed was a yes and the plans were to be set in motion.
“Good luck Chase. Let me know what happens. Hopefully we can get her back at her own game. Later buddy.” Riley hung up.
It was all up to Chase now. Well not really. He had to be persuasive. He had to talk out his ass and make it work. Chase took a deep breath and dialed the number. It rang a few times.
“Hey this is Chase. This Tina?”
“Yeah.” she said.
“Okay. Look we need to talk.” He said. He wasn’t too sure about this. Woman aren’t like men. They tell each other everything. Tina could tell Sally everything. They could end up playing them as well.
“Sally told me some things about you. Some pretty horrible things. You think we can meet somewhere and talk? The mall or something?”
“What!? Sally! She’s like my best friend! What did she say?”
“I know she’s your friend. That’s why I am concerned. Look can we meet? It would better that way.”
“okay, sure. Let’s meet at the mall in a hour.”
“Thanks Tina. And sorry about Sally. She’s been acting different.” He hung up. So far, so good. The plans are now set. Now, it is time to start the real fun.

Tina was at the fountain waiting for Chase to arrive. She was puzzled about the whole thing. Sally is one of her best friends. Why would she start saying things about her? Maybe it wasn’t just the beginning. Maybe Sally was saying things the whole time. Tina wasn’t going to let Sally get the best of her. She was going to show Sally what she really thought of her. Tina should have thought as much. Sally was always putting her down for the people she hung out with. She didn’t liked to be judged. Where is Chase? They were supposed to meet ten minutes ago. What was taking him so long?
It did give her time to think. She thought about a lot of things. Mainly about her friendship with Sally. If this was all true, how would this change it? Could they talk through it and become friends again? Or, will Sally continue on with the lies and push Tina over the edge. She already pushed Chase over the edge. That wasn’t a smart thing to do. Now Chase, her once best friend is out to get her and ruin her for life. Sally’s dreams were gone. Her best male friend was gone. Once Tina is out of the picture, Sally will have no one but herself. Chase liked that idea. He wants Sally to know how it will feel to be alone.
Chase came walking in. He was alone. He waved to Tina and smiled. “This is gonna be good.” He said to himself.
“Sorry, I’m late. I had to do some chores. You know parents.”
Tina laughed. “Believe me. I KNOW parents. My parents are very strict. I am shocked they let me out of the house to come here.”
“Where did you say you were going?” Chase asked her.
Tina smiled, “Oh I didn’t tell them anything. I just left.”
“So Chase, tell me what Sally was saying about me. I need to know.”
“Oh okay. That’s why were here.” Chase sat down next to her. “This goes back far. She always said you were like a lap dog. How you followed her around everywhere. How you always had to be like her. Same haircut, clothes, music, movies, taste in food, everything. She said you wanted to be her.”
“I don’t want to be like her! I like Sally a lot but never enough to be a copy cat.”
“Let me finish.” Chase interrupted her. “She called you a whore, a slut, a skank. You name it, she called you it. She hates being around you. She even said how you are the one responsible for me not wanting to date her.”
“She wanted to date you!? I didn’t know that.”
“She said she talked to you all the time about it. She said how you always told her not to ask me. That I would turn her down, which I did, but that is besides the point. She said that you wanted me and the only way it would happen is if you told her to back off me and not bother with relationships.”
“She said all that!? I don’t know what to say.” Tina was floored. Her best friend stabbed her in the back and was spreading some pretty nasty rumors about her. “I don’t know how to thank you Chase. I really don’t. I think you’re a really great guy. You know what a true friendship is all about.”
“It was nothing. So Tina. What are you going to do about Sally? You gonna tell her off? Treat her how she treated you?”
“I don’t know. Let me see what she says.” From behind the corner, walked out Sally.
“You fucking bitches! I should have known!” Chase jumped up and was going to walk away.
“Not so fast.” Sally said. “Sit your ass down.” Chase knew he was defeated. He did as he was told. “Why all the lies Chase? Huh? Why?”
“What about what you told Riley!? I never did those things. You lied, just like me.”
“It doesn’t matter Chase! You broke my heart! You have this coming to you.”
Sally and Tina ran and tackled Chase to the ground. There was a struggle. Chase tried his best to free himself but the girls were all over him. The girls finally got him to his feet. Sally and Tina managed to get his hands tied behind his back. “Let’s go out the other way. Less people come in through those doors.” Tina said.
“Okay. Thanks for telling me about this Tina.”
“It’s no big deal. That’s what friends are for.” The girls hurried outside. Waiting in a dark minivan, was Sally’s older brother Frank. He was always there for Sally. When he heard about this kid Chase breaking her heart, he did what any other good brother would do. He set up a kidnapping. “Let’s go Frank before someone sees us.” Frank helped the girls toss Chase in the van and they sped off.
The mall walkers and shoppers didn’t notice a thing. It was just another normal day at the mall to them. It was the perfect day to shop and to walk. It was always the perfect day for a murder. At least for Chase it would have been. Still sitting outside, at the other entrance was Riley. He was hiding in the bushes with a gun he stole from his dad. It was in his plan to Chase to lure Tina to the mall and shoot her when she walked out with Chase. Riley just sat there, waiting. It was taking longer than he expected. “Where are they!?” he thought to himself.


High School Reunion At Starbucks

I am still working on my “top ten comedies”. The list is hard. I have about 30 movies listed and still adding more. Breaking it down to only ten movies is going to take some time. If I starbucks-logocan’t get that posted this week, I’ll jump to another genre. Till then, I am treating you to a fictional story I wrote a year or so ago. I did go to my high school reunion. The title of this story is, “High School Reunion At Starbucks”. I wrote this well before the reunion. The day of the reunion, I decided to stop off at Starbucks. I really ran into Mark there. Towards the end, when I talk about his failed life and what not, that’s all untrue. He is doing quite well for himself. I just thought it was the bee’s knees when I saw him at Starbucks. I thought of this story instantly.

I have met a lot of people in my life. So many, I could write a book about them. Recently, I met an old friend from high school. After our meeting, it got me to thinking about lots of things. The people we know, old friends, and new ones. This will help explain how small our little world is. I don’t like when people start asking me about my personal life at work. I am all cool with it when it’s other employees. But when it comes to customers, I want to strangle them. Just reach over the counter and choke the life out of them. I would never do that but sometimes I wish I did. You see, it’s like this. I will be at work, doing whatever it is I do. Usually, I hold a clipboard in my hand and pace back and forth. I scratch my head and rub my eyes for some added effect. I look busy so normally people will leave me alone. “Stand back! He’s got a clipboard and he’s pacing! He’s got to be busy and I bet someone important.” It’s a trick I learned from someone else. Works well for me. If I can’t find my clipboard, I assist someone at the counter. I’ll be nice and serve them. While I am serving them, they like to chit chat. They talk about the weather, a party they are going to, or if it’s the holiday, they will talk about that. Every once and while, I get that one person who knows me.

We have that awkward silence between us. You know when you recognize someone but aren’t really sure if it’s them. You don’t want to come off as a fool and mistake them for someone else. That’s happened to me twice. Once, I was at mall and I saw someone from the back. I thought it was a teacher I had in high school. I run up to them and said something smartass. Well, they turned around, gave me a few choice words then went about their way. Another time could have possibly got me killed or at least got a hit put on me. I worked with this guy. He was from Trinidad. He had two cousins. One was a really big guy. He was quite scary. The other cousin was like a giant twig without leaves. So twig cousin was a bad person. He broke the law a few times and stole from the cookie jar from my store. He was forbidden to ever enter the store again Big cousin was a giant teddy bear but if he wanted, he could kill you. He was allowed in the store.  . I had no knowledge of which one was not allowed in .Well…I was at work one night and I saw teddy bear cousin in there. A manger walked by and I said to him, “Isn’t that ‘Jim’s’ cousin?” The manager freaked! “Are you sure!? Is it?” He ran to the phone to call the cops. I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t sure which cousin was allowed in the store. He didn’t listen and called. “Are you sure that’s him? Because I am calling the police right now.” I told him I’m sure that’s his cousin. I said he had two cousins…oh well. It didn’t mean anything. Cause some time later the police arrived and met big teddy bear at the doors. I was called up front to identify him. It was a big mess. BTB (big teddy bear is too long to type but I just typed it again, so there was no point to type it like that). Well months later, I am heading home and who is walking in?? You got it! BTB! He looks at me and I look at him. “You going to call the cops on me again [censored] [censored]?” I smiled and said, “No.” So if you are ever in a situation where it involves two cousins (one good…two legs baaaaaad), make sure you know which one is the criminal. You might get to see an aluminum bat up close. I was never attacked with a bat, but I almost got ran over by one of them in a car. Wasn’t sure if it was a planned attack or just bad driving. Either way, be careful.

Where was I? A lady one day was giving me this look. She knew me somewhere. After I finished giving her the salad, she sighed and said, “Aren’t you ‘so and so’s’ son?” (I will not say my mom’s name. I would call her Pitler’s mom but that name got lame. When you see ‘so and so’, that will be my mom. So don’t forget. I will have a quiz at the end of this post. So be ready for it.) I nod. She smiles and laughs. “Your mom is a wonderful woman! It’s been so long since I have seen her. Is she still at [name removed]?” Wow. You aren’t lying. It has been a long time since you have seen her. Cause my mom hasn’t worked there in about 8 years. I don’t even know how the remember me. I then look down and see my name tag. Ah…the last name probably gave it away. She thanks me for her food and says by. Before she leaves she tells me, “Tell your mom I said hello!” Okay! Will do. She leaves, I walk away. Stop. Scratch my head then turn around. Okay…so who was she? People do this all the time! They really think I know them. I don’t. Why do you assume I do? Sometimes I will remember them but for a good laugh, I’ll pretend that I don’t know them. Once and while they will ask me if I remember them. I will but I will be “um…no. I’m sorry. Did I go to school with your son?” She’ll shake her head. “No…You went to school with Julie.” I remember Julie. I liked Julie. Her dad was a cool guy. I see him every so often. I don’t think he remembers me.

Once in school we had a mock trial to put on. He was my lawyer. We ended up losing the case. And I was the innocent one! I was an innocent man in prison! I am going off topic. Anyway, so Julia’s mom will keep trying to get me to remember her and Julie. But I will play the dumb card and just be “sorry. I don’t remember you or her.” When I see my mom, I tell her someone said hello. She’ll ask who. “Don’t know. But some lady knew us and wanted me to say hi. So, hi.”

I wish these people would give me their names. It happens a lot. I was minding my own business one day when this lady walked up to me. First of all, she was being really mean to me. She was barking out questions, demanding this and that from me. I wasn’t in any place to be a jerk to her. I did whatever she asked of me. She was looking over some stuff, then looked at me, looked back down, and then looked at me again. “Hey! You’re ‘so and so’s son!” I figured this would be my chance to win her over and maybe make her like me some. I would have joked with her but I doubt this lady was the joking type. “Yeah. She’s my mom.’ We talked for a while about her. She also praised my mother. My mother must be an amazing woman, because these people all talk so highly of her. It’s sad that I am letting her down. The lady was nice at the end. She handed me back my license and let me off with a warning. Come on! Give me a ticket! I just want to know you’re name! I should have checked out her badge to see her name but when you’re being pulled over, I didn’t even look at her badge. I just looked forward. If I didn’t see the stoplight, how the hell am I going to even see her badge? A ticket would have been great! I would have at least got her name. I could have told my mom that “Ms. I don’t know her name” pulled me over to just say hello.

It just very nerve racking when I don’t know who people are. I know a lot of people. I have met a lot of people in my day. You work at a job for 14 years, you’re bound to know a few folks. I once made a list of all the people I worked with. Not the entire store, just those in my department. How I remembered them all, I don’t know. I maybe missed a few. I came to a total of 200 names. That’s a lot of people! I think it’s funny that since I left high school, I have seen maybe 3 or 4 former classmates. Of those people, I hated them all. I hated all my classmates. Which brings me to the point of all this.

I was out driving one morning. I was hung-over that morning. I like coffee in the morning after a long night of drinking. It helps. I get to Starbucks and walk in. I don’t even know why I drink there. I really don’t like Starbucks coffee. It leaves a nasty taste in my mouth. Maybe I go there because everyone else does. You see someone with a Starbucks coffee and you think, “Oh! They drink Starbucks! They must be hip! Only the hip and socially acceptable people drink there. Maybe that’s why I drink it. I know I don’t drink there for the price. It used to be the closet Starbucks to my house. We recently added one inside my store. I don’t buy coffee from there. I go to the real Starbucks. I will pass by the Starbucks in my store. I will sometimes stop and chat with them. I could easily get coffee there but no. I leave and drive to a real Starbucks. I shouldn’t really call it “the real Starbucks”. I am sure they’re both real. I just rather go to a Starbucks only place. I love KFC chicken. I really do. I love Popeye’s more but KFC is a better example for my awkwardness. There is a KFC 5 minutes from where I live. It’s one of those half and half places. You know the ones I am talking about. They put two restaurant places in one building. This one has an A&W and a KFC’s. Now I could go there and get KFC and be back home quickly but I can’t eat there. I have to drive another ten minutes to get to a real KFC. A stand alone KFC. Why? I don’t know. I think it’s better. Even the post office. I don’t use the post office stations at grocery stores or what not. I go to the real thing. Again, you ask why? Cause the mail gets delivered faster. At least I think it does. I am an awkward guy. So shut up.

I go inside the real Starbucks. I see the normal crowd there. I go there a lot. So I know the normal crowd. It seems to be the same people that go there. Outside, we got the emoish looking kids. They smoke and drink their coffee and probably talk about how much their lives suck. I don’t know. I don’t ease drop on their conversation. I am not Kelly. We got this old who sits alone. He is a really nice man. I wish he was my grandpa. I don’t want him to be just like my grandpa. If I did, he would be dead. I just wish you could like adopt old people. I’ve known him for years. He is a regular at my store. At least he was. He doesn’t come in anymore. Then there is this other guy. He is always there. Even when I don’t stop in, he’s there. My mom tells me about him when she she’s him. He wears a suit. I assume he’s a business man. He works on a laptop. That helps with my reasoning to say he’s a business man. His laptop is gray and has a few stickers on it. One is of a big yellow smiley face. The other is an Elvis Presley sticker. He’s got his hip jive going. He’s in a purple suit and just jiving away. You know how cool it would be if that sticker like really moved? I often wonder what this big guy does. He’s a really big guy. Not over weight big, but he probably does enjoy a nice Big Mac (or a Whopper, depending on his fast food choice) or three. I wonder if he is married? Is he single? I never get a chance to check him out. Even though that sounded really bad, I do check him out. I like to observe people. It’s what I do. He watches me too. Big Mac (that’s his name now) stares at me. Maybe he stares at everyone who walks in. I don’t know. But he watches me when I order my coffee. Dude…stop. Seriously. It’s really freaking me out. I don’t know. It shouldn’t really matter what he does or if he’s married or not. I will never hang out with him. There is never going to be some big “real Starbucks” pow wow between us, emoish kids and the old man. It’s not going to happen. Sorry. So yeah…Big Mac is always there. He just sips on his coffee, works on his laptop. That’s one thing I plan on figuring out. I want to know what he is working on. Is it some manifesto? Is it a book? Some TPS report? Maybe he’s play minesweeper or spider solitaire (I play SS all the time. I am up to 167 games so far). Speaking of the manifesto, there was this customer. His name was Larry. He smelled like onions. Not fresh onions but rotting onions. He always wore this plaid shirt that he probably found in the street, a ball cap and drank coffee for hours. I wonder if he made his way to “the real Starbucks”. I don’t know. We offer free refills, they don’t. So any way’s, Rotting Onions would get coffee and just write on paper. It wasn’t a notebook or even like a couple pieces of paper. It was always one sheet of paper. By his forth cup, the paper would be covered in ink. Wonder how many octopus’ he killed writing that. Well one day Rotting Onions forgot his paper on the table. One of the employees’s picked it up. We all wondered what he wrote about. That day, the mystery was solved. Turns out, he was writing some bizarre story or something. We never fully understood it. In his writings, Rotting Onions talked about how my store had a secret bunker hidden beneath the store. In this bunker, we had an arsenal of weapons. Guns, tanks, ammos, missiles, etc…WMA’s. (Saddam didn’t have them, we did.). Turns out our company was planning a hostile take over of the city. I can kind of understand him. I mean, they always saw how if a war was to break out, the Midwest would be the first to go. Since my company is Midwest based, I am sure he believes each store has a bunker. So were like working for the government. In case of an attack, we’ll be set. An attack would be bad. I hate to be the one to clean up the spill in aisle thirteen.

Like I said, this guy was weird. I wish I had that paper. I was promised it but my friend never gave it to me. If I had it, I would share it with you all. It was quite an eye opener. So Big Mac stares at me. I am in line. There are two people in front of me. The lady at the counter is another regular. I don’t know her. Maybe she’s new or maybe she comes in the times I am not there. She is all cheerful and chit chatting. She is talking about Russ. How Russ did this and did that. At first I thought she was talking about her son or her grandpa with a weak bladder, because she said how Russ went, and this is how she said it. How Russ went “pee pee” all over the couch. The gal behind the counter (btw…she is like totally hot) is all, “oh no! He did! That’s terrible!” She talked more about Russ. Turns out, Russ is her dog. I found that out when she said she hit him with a newspaper. I guess that works on dogs. Be funny as hell if she hit her kids or weak bladder gramps with it. I would pay to see that. I was getting impatient. I hate waiting in lines. It’s so annoying. Can’t you just order your coffee and leave? That’s all I do. I don’t chit chat. I just move on. I nod and smile and sometimes I say, “Long day”, when actually it hasn’t been. I just say that because I rather not talk about my day to a complete stranger. Sometimes when I go to the barber, they want to chit chat. I don’t like chatting. Cut my hair and let me get on my way. Now if it was the hot behind the counter girl, I’ll talk to her. I do…but she’s an exception. Well the pee pee chick orders her drink. I don’t even know what she ordered. I don’t even get half the drinks Starbucks sells. Double mocha latte no shot cream with dust…yada yada yada…or whatever. Order a coffee. It’s that simple. How did ordering a coffee become so time consuming? There should be only two options for coffee. Regular or Decaf. Nothing else.

She gets her crap in a cup and leaves. As she leaves, a relief comes over me. Turns out Big Mac stares at everyone or he too was amazed at the Russ the couch pisser story, which he had to get a glimpse at the animal abuser. Maybe he works ASPCA. Finally, I am closer to ordering my coffee. I love that feeling. When you get closer to the counter. You feel like you’ve been waiting for hours. You get one step closer and it gets you all excited. Then when you finally reach the front of the line, you act all superior to everyone else. It is like, “Hey! Look at me! Look where I am! Now stop and look where you are. Pretty lonely back there, huh? You have fun waiting while I pay for my merchandise and head home” It’s a great sense of accomplishment.

There is one guy in front of me. This dude is really short. He better not have some pee story to tell the hot chick behind the counter. I don’t want any stories. Just order your coffee and go. I want coffee. I got a hangover. Not really a hangover per se, I just felt icky (thanks Kelly­). I need my coffee to fell better. He didn’t order coffee. He had to order some strange brew. Add this, take that out, double this, and triple this please. Some people shouldn’t be allowed to drink coffee. The hot chick asked him for his name. He replied, “Mark.” I don’t know why but I heard that. His name got my brain ticking. Cause I know a Mark. I know a short Mark. Actually I know two short Mark’s but one is hairy and one isn’t. The one in front of me is nonhairy Mark. So Mark turns around. He did this sort of step to the side and spin thingy. I was stepping forward cause be was stepping aside. But we sort of bump into each other. “Excuse me.” I say, “Sorry.” I shouldn’t even be sorry. I didn’t’ do anything. He ran in to me. I just say Sorry a lot. It’s a bad habit. I try to break it but can’t. Sorry.

“HEY!” Mark says. He recognized me. But from where. I know short nonhairy Mark from somewhere…I just…can’t pinpoint where. It was like those times I mentioned earlier when you both know each other but just aren’t sure where. He must know me and remember me but I couldn’t. Like I said, I know a lot of people. He all, “what’s up?” I am trying to order coffee but someone wants to reminisce about old times. I obviously don’t care what’s new with you. If you could brew me a cup of coffee, then maybe we’ll chit chat about nothing. For now, leave me alone and let me get my coffee. I felt bad for being really mean. I kind of shooed him off when it was my turn in line. I mean it was either talk to short round or talk to hot chick behind the counter. It wasn’t that hard of decision. She smiled at me and asked me what I wanted. “I’ll make it easy for you.” I said I just want a black coffee.  That’s how coffee should be. Just black. I don’t even know what cream and sugar taste like in coffee. I have never tried it. I don’t know if I would even like it.

When I was little, I was dragged to church. I never liked church at all. There were only two upsides to church. I got to get an extra hour of sleep in those really comfortable wooden pews. On Sunday’s after mass, they had coffee and donuts. Why it was the highlight of Sunday mass…I don’t know. The donuts weren’t anything spectacular. They had only two kinds. They offered glazed and those plain cake donuts. Does anyone actually eat plain cake donuts? Those are disgusting. But it was free and it was sugar. You’re like 12 or 13…free donuts is a gift from God. Since I was a kid, I didn’t drink coffee. I don’t know how many kids do. I am sure more do now. Seems like kids are growing up faster than ever. But anyway, instead of coffee, the church people offered “juice” for kids. I don’t know who decided to call this stuff juice. I don’t even want to know the person who decided that, “Wow! This stuff taste great! Let’s make gallons of this stuff and ship it off to school and churches!” It’s not even juice. I can’t explain what it is. You assume it’s orange juice. I mean the bulletin says, “coffee, donuts and juice.” Juice should have pulp in it. Not powder floating on top. So we figured it wasn’t juice and it wasn’t slice. I loved Slice! It was the coolest thing. It was Sunkist, but I liked Slice. Cause saying Slice was much more fun.

So it wasn’t either of those two. What is the church trying to pass off as juice? It was the nastiest stuff ever. I can still taste it to this day. So I finally decided I am fed up with this juice scam. I figured I want to be an adult, so I went for coffee. You get this little Styrofoam cup. It was like one sip and that was to satisfy your thirst. Plus those cups were the cheapest cups ever. Every sip you take from those cups, you somehow chew off a section of it. By the time you’re done with your coffee, you got a cup the size of a Petri dish. Where is the money we put in those baskets going? Obviously it’s not going to the real juice and better cup fund. So I get my coffee. I take a sip. Wow…this stuff is hot. But I feel older already. I can’t feel my tongue but I could feel the chest hair already coming in. I look around. Why are those people putting that stuff in their coffee? Should I do that? But that looks like a lot of work. Plus, they aren’t all putting in the same amount. That’s too confusing. I will just stick with it like this.

So that’s why I drink my coffee black. I was never sure of how much to put in. I wonder if I did start putting in sugar and cream, if I would like it more. But I don’t like change or cash (I prefer debit), so doing so will ruin everything and ruin my life as I know it.

I get my coffee ordered. I slide my card and we begin some small talk. She asked how my day was going, so far. Told her, “it’s going to be a long day.” I get my coffee and try to go about my way. Mark is standing by that counter where they drop off your drinks. He gets his and starts to follow me. I really didn’t want to talk to him. I don’t even know you. I mean I do, I just can’t remember where. Was it school or was it work?

It’s always strange seeing customers outside of work. It’s like when you see your teachers outside of school. They leave school? They eat? They shop? I thought they just teach. I even hung out at the bar with a customer once. It was strange. We were talking about work and how much it sucks and all. There he is, just sitting there. He would sip on his beer and add a comment in every so often. A customer once tried to get me to meet him at a playground. A big “gepedo” light went off. I christened him “Norman Bates”. He would come in with his mother. She had to be at least 90. He was the biggest jerk to her. He would force food down here throat. Maybe he was helping her eat but when he’s using a crowbar to open her mouth and ramming a funnel down her mouth, that doesn’t look much like assistance. How him and got to the topic of writing but we did. I told him I write and what do you know? He writes too. So he was all, “why not we meet at the park and I’ll order a pizza. We can talk about our writings.” Okay…but what about your mom? You going to bungee cord her to the back of your van? True story. He drove this huge van. He would park his van and get out. He opened the back doors to the van and pulled out two 2 x 4’s then made a small ramp for his mother. He would crawl into the van; untie his mother from the bungee cord. Not her really, but her wheelchair. Then he walks backwards and wheels her down the ramp. Funny stuff. Don’t judge me. I was 16 or so when he did this. I was immature back then. Hell…I still am now.

So Norman Bates invited me to the park one day. I’m not going anywhere with you. And a park!? You serious? The park would be like eye candy to you. We never did share our stories. Too bad. So customer’s outside of work is a bad thing. Nothing good comes of it. I have spotted a few others. Sometimes I feel like I am in the hunt for Bigfoot when I spot one. “Look there’s one now!” I have another story I could tell about a customer. But I am not 100% sure if it’s true, so I’ll leave that one alone. I only write the truth.

After I thought a bit, I finally remembered where I knew nonhairy Mark from. I went to high school with him. Wow…that makes five people I have seen out of school. Let’s see…I have seen one at my job. I’ve seen another at a gas station (he was buying alcohol…so was I. we should have totally hung out), and I saw two others at a restaurant together. So I guess they still hang out. I never hung out with people from my high school. I didn’t like them. I am sure they didn’t like me either. Which is hard to believe, but not many people liked me. I mean it was your typical high school. But my class was one big clique. Everyone knew everyone. They were all friends; they all hung out and partied together. I was forced to go to Prom. That was my hard earned money thrown away. I never got invited to a party. No wait…I did. Graduation. A classmate asked me if I was going to go to her big party that night after graduation. Why did she ask me? She didn’t even like me. Maybe I was thinking too much into it. But I envisioned that at the end of the night, I would end up covered in pig’s blood and walking out of a burning gym. I had this big smile on my face. I looked like some kid on Christmas morning. “Yeah! That sounds awesome! Wow…Can you believe it? We made it.” I looked around. “I’ve had some pretty good memories here.” She gave me some piece of paper with directions on it. At the bottom it said in big bold letters, “NO ALCOHOL. ;). A wink smiley? Are you [censored] serious? Why not just say, “DON’T BRING ANY ALCOHOL. MY PARENTS ARE HIP TO OUR GENEREATION AND WILL SUPPLY US WITH THE ALL THE ALCOHOL WE NEED.” That would work a lot better. I didn’t even drink when I was in high school. Another reason why I wasn’t quote cool end quote back then. So why would I even go to this party? Why invite the uncool guy? I was tied to a chair once in class (I let them…it wasn’t like I was bullied.), I was thrown in to a brick wall, (that wasn’t my idea. I was talking smack on some guy…afterwards I had to show him what the definition of sarcasm meant), and dropped head first into a trashcan. (A teacher did that. I could have did some big lawsuit, but suing your school wasn’t cool till about 2001)

I took the directions and let her know so much enthusiasm (I sucked all the enthusiasm out of the room at that moment), “I will be there! And don’t worry. I won’t bring any alcohol. We’re minors. We obey the law.” Then I winked. I had to! The directions said to wink. She thanked me and ran about her merry cliquey way. You know…I didn’t like you when I was a freshman, a sophomore, a junior, or a senior. Why would I want to hang with you after high school? Run along little lady. Your clique is waiting.

Nonhairy Mark (which is becoming really a pain in the ass to write. I’ll call him…) and I were walking and talking. Big Mac watched us as we walked by. Maybe he wanted to ask us if us three could all go to the park together and share stories. I didn’t see a van parked out front and this guy didn’t scream taxidermist. So if we did agree to go with him, I wouldn’t fear for my life. But he didn’t ask us anything. He just sat there and watched us walk by. We took a table near the window. I had to decide which seat to take. Do I face the old man or do I face Big Mac? It was a tough choice. If I face Big Mac, he’ll stare at me the whole time. If I picked to face the old man, I wouldn’t know if Big Mac is staring at me. It would freak me out more not knowing if he was staring at me. So I took the lesser of the two evils and had my back towards the old man. Mark was all excited about seeing me. I couldn’t figure out why. He just grinned and nodded a lot. I was focusing more on Big Mac. Why does he bring a laptop in? It’s not like he uses it. He just watches people. But I do that too. At least I am not obvious about it. Mark turned around to see what was getting all my attention. He asked about Big Mac. I explained all about Big Mac to him. Mark wasn’t really interested. He just shrugged it off and began to interrogate me. We started talking about work. I told him about my job and how I am still doing it after all these years. He remembered when I first started there. He laughed and said, “I figured you would have moved on.” Nope. I haven’t. I asked him about his job. I waited. I asked again about his job. I looked at my watch. “I got places to go. You want to tell me about your great job or just sit there and look stupid?” Turns out, he was compiling a list a jobs. Did you see what I wrote? Jobs. Plural. That means more than one. Not saying having more than one job is bad. It’s actually a good thing. But when you have to borrow one of my hands to tell me all the jobs you have had, yeah…that’s bad. I just don’t like people who jump around from job to job. He’s been everything! I can’t remember them all but a few jobs he held were, waiter, he did the fast food thing, um….oh! He worked at Best Buy. He loved that. He said the discounts were the best and the only reason he took that job. He worked with a buddy mowing lawns but that fell through when they got in some tiff. They aren’t friends anymore. Now, he said he sold cars for a while, but I didn’t believe him. Right now he’s checking out his options. Checking out your options? What? McDonalds or Burger King? Go with the Arch. They have flexible hours. I worked at the Arch.

I worked there for three months. It was horrible. I called in once and played hooky. I was at my main job and a manager asked me if I wanted to go to a football game. I was shocked. Why did he ask me? No one ever asks me.  I told him I would love to but I work my other job. “Do you like that job?” I told him no. Then he tells me to call in! A manager said to call in and play sick. “What if I did that here?” He said if I did, he would fire me. Cool. So I called in. Lady got pissed. I said I had a headache or something. I come to find out the night I called in, the big boys came in and wanted the whole place scrubbed down. When I gave them my two weeks notice, I said I was sorry. “Sorry but I can’t work here anymore. My other job is taking all my time. If you ever would like me to come back, don’t call me. Because I am never coming back.” True Story. I really wrote that. I hated that place.

I wear this ring. Wait…I used to wear this ring. People would always ask me, “Are you married?” No. I am not married. Then like they are trying to prove me wrong, they shake their finger at me. “There! There! What’s that then!?” It’s a ring! What’s the big deal about it? Oh…and before you try to look smart, think about what hand it’s on. I wear it on my right hand. Not the left. I bought this ring because of a trip I went on to Vegas. I went with a girl from work. We were just friends. Notice how I said “were friends”. She hates me now. Go figure. So people thought we were going to get married there. We bought rings to have some fun with it. She ended up selling hers and I kept mine. Sorry, I tend to run off topic for no apparent reason. But this does relate to the topic. Mark notices the ring. Here we go again. No Mark. I am not married. I explained why I wear it and he looked at me like I was an ass or something. He was married. He told me that. It didn’t work out. That’s all he told me. It just didn’t work out. I sat there and wondered why. Maybe she put the cookie jar on the top shelf and he couldn’t reach it. He didn’t seem to mind that it was over. Unless he played it off but was really hurting inside cursing god for making him a staggering four foot nine. I kid. He was about five foot. I kept the conversation going. I asked about kids. It is going to hurt my mom. I am not going to carrying on the family gene. I don’t want kids. I am sure I would be a great father, unlike some people I know. I knew this customer. She/He (long story…okay. actually quite short. Some guy’s girlfriend dies and he became her. He wears women’s clothes, the whole deal)…so anyway. One day, I was talking to him. He would come in with a baby. A doll. I think it was a cabbage patch one. I don’t know. One day he came in with no baby. I thought, okay. Maybe he ended that charade. “Where’s your baby at?” I asked him/her. He replies, “In the car.” You left your baby in the car? Are you sick? If you did leave your baby in the car, I hope you at least rolled the windows down. It was summer and I was afraid that under that extreme heat, the sun would melt his baby. I would never be that bad of a father. I just rather not have kids and deal with bedtime stories, school and PTA meetings. You might be asking yourself how I know about him/hers past. A guy I worked with knew him before he became a she.

Mark has 3 kids. Three!? Are you serious? If I ever had kids, I would stop at one. Even one is pushing it. I can already see myself at the hospital.

Me: Push!

My Wife: I am!

Me: The doctor, not you.

Don’t they say the average household has like 3 ½ kids? I am still undecided on which half I would want. So Mark has three kids. The wife has the kids. He still seems them though. It’s strange to see people I knew from school and to hear they have kids? I am still a kid myself. I wonder if maybe I should set Mark up with Kelly. They would be a perfect match. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. I am not the best person to turn to when someone needs a shoulder to cry on. I wear a leather coat and can’t afford to have it ruined. He’s opening up to me about his personal problems. I mean my life compared to his, I live a great life. Big Mac was looking at us again. Why does he keep staring at us? What does he want? I got a cold chill. It was a real uneasy feeling to know that someone is watching you. I can’t go to clubs. When I did go, my friends would drag me out on the dance floor. I just couldn’t dance. I can’t even dance. But I feel like all the people are watching me. This is why I normally hide in the corner at parties.

Mark asked about my life. What I am doing, what I have done. I left out all the nasty stuff. I rather make myself look good than try to have a battle of who has the worst life. But when I thought about, even now when I think about it, my life is ten times better than his. It’s nice to know that I am better off than someone else. There has been times when I just wanted to end it all…not like end my life, just sort of give up on everything and not care. But Mark made me rethink that. He made me realize that my life could be much worse. I could be him. He talked about other issues he was having. I rather not repeat the rest. Not for his sake but for yours.

I take another sip of my coffee and felt no burning sensation. I shook the cup a bit. I peered through the lid to investigate. I was out of coffee. This isn’t good. I have no more coffee. I looked at my watch and noticed the time. Okay. I really didn’t care what time it was. It’s the universal sign that you are bored and would rather be somewhere else. It’s not that I didn’t like Mark,  I would just rather be somewhere else. Plus, I was still getting that vibe from Big Mac. I politely excused myself from the table and let Mark know that it was time for me to leave. He said he had to go too but I didn’t believe him. With both said our goodbyes. I left but before I did, I caught Big Mac looking at me. I got in my car and went back home. People always say how it’s a small world and everyone is connected in some way. I call up a friend and tell them about my wonderful reunion. I mentioned his name and you know what, she knows Mark. Mark is her neighbor. Mark left some stuff out. Turns out he was being evicted from his apartment.

Wow…that was quite the post. I tend to ramble a bit. But this all goes to show, that everyone we meet or know, or pass on the street, we’re all connected in this wacky world. Oh…by the way. This is even stranger. I was telling my sister about Big Mac. I would swear on the Bible if I wasn’t using it as stepping stool. But she works with him. Not really works with him but they work in the same building. I should ask her about him. Maybe he likes Whoppers. I would feel bad calling him Big Mac all this time and come to find out he doesn’t like them.

If you are curious as to who “Pitler” is, it is me. It’s quite a long story as to why I have that name. Maybe if I feel up to it tonight, I’ll double post the story behind Pitler and as to why this story was really written. It’s quite a story and a good one too.

Thanks for reading. Oh, and if Mark ever does stumble on to this, sorry. No hard feelings.