Irony Can Be Pretty Ironic Sometimes

My sense of humor is a little off. What mortifies most people leaves my wheezing and gasping for air as often as not. Sarcasm is a highly respected art form for me. Sardonic wit is nearly a second religion. Parody is a blast. But what really makes my day is irony. If my sense of irony were any stronger I’d grow a full beer and drink PBR all day.

damn, i wish i had a pabst


Boy, I got a good dose of it today! I got a helping of irony like what we all experienced first time we saw Ice-T portray a cop. And I loved it! Continue reading


Own A Piece Of Gambling History

The biggest jackpot ever was won by three different people. The lucky three will walk away with 213 million dollars after taxes. I bet you wish you were one of those lucky 3 people. But with millions of other people still penniless and sadden by their lost, I am going to do what I can to make a quick buck off of their sorrow and pain.


Continue reading


A Date Story.

I know I have been slacking on this site. I am sorry. I am working too much. It’s my own fault. I am going to try and get back to this site and post more. I am pretty drained right now and not very well focused, so I am going to post an old story I wrote. I said I was going to change the site a bit. It’ll still be about food but also about me. Think of it as a personal blog now.

Here is the story.

It always amazes me how people want to set people up. Someone you know knows someone else who would be perfect for you. “Oh…you’ll like them!” I don’t like a lot of people and I really don’t care to date nor do I even want to get married. Marriage to me is like being n prison for a life sentence. Then you got to expect kids to come along sooner or later. Lord knows all wives want kids. But who knows. Maybe I will get married. I said I would never hit a girl*, so maybe I’ll get married.

So yeah…I am at work and the topic of dating came up. I think I am the only single person back there. No wait…there is three other people. Thank god they are there, or I would feel pretty lonely being the only bachelor. Like I said, we get to talking about dating. A gal I work with, I’ll call her Dana. So she is talking about her boyfriend and this and that. She asks me why I am still single. “I don’t know. Is it because I’m an ass? I don’t know…I just don’t care.” She gasps in horror. “You’re not an ass! You’re a sweet guy!” She continues to boost my self esteem or my ego. I prefer my ego, because having self esteem is lame. Who needs self esteem? Just know that you’re better than everyone else and you’ll do just fine. I finally agree with her. Mainly to shut her up cause I had more important things to do than start planning a wedding. A few days pass….

Days later, she and I are working together again. She is all happy or drunk, or since it was morning, hung-over. But whose happy being hung-over? I asked Dana why she was so happy. “Why are you so happy?” See? Told you I asked her that. Never accuse me of not doing the things I say I’ll do.

“Cause I got something I need to tell you.” Okay…What was she going to tell me? What was so great to put her in a good mood and was so eager to tell me? Finally…she tells me. Turns out, she knows this girl who is of course, single and wants to be in a relationship. I already knew where this was going. Dana raved about me. I know…she raved about me! Me, of all people. She said how I was this and that and that she thinks we would be perfect together. So she knows this gal. Her name is Kelly. Kelly wanted to go out on a date to get to know me better. Not that kind of getting to know. We’ll wait for the second date on that. I am talking about dinner and such. I didn’t want to piss off Dana, so I agreed to meet with her. I got her number and the whole day at work, I wondered about this gal. I wondered about the horror and the pain I was going to go through. God, I really don’t like people.

I get home and relax a bit. I am cleaning up and remembered the little piece of paper with Kelly’s number is still in my pocket. Crap…this means I need to call her. If I don’t call her, Dana is going to ask me why and I’ll say this, then she’ll say that, and then it will just turn ugly and work will be uncomfortable for the next few days. So I had to decide what I was going to do. I ended up calling this chick. My hand was shaking as I dialed the number. I was a bit nervous. What do I say? What are we going to talk about me? I always get nervous on the phone. This one time, someone called my mom’s house looking for me. She said I didn’t live there anymore. They said to have me call them back because it was very urgent that I did. My mom calls me and tells me about the call. I was just on my way out the door to see a movie (Resident Evil: Extinction. Go see it. It’s awesome) when my phone rang. It was my mom telling me the number and that I needed to call them because it was all urgent and such. So I called. It was an automated message about some political thing in Florida. Okay. For one, I don’t live in Florida and two; I follow politics, like I follow the rules of the road. I was so nervous calling that number. I was really curious as to who would be calling me and why it was so urgent? Guess I’ll never figure out what they wanted.

So I dialed Kelly’s number and the phone rang. It was one of those answer ring tones. It was playing that “Umbrella” song. I hate that song. So far, I am not impressed with this girl. I hated her answer tone, so I was sure I was going to hate her ring tone. I am very judgmental. One thing about a person can totally turn me off on them. I worked with this one guy. He was a really cool guy and all. Once I found out he enjoyed watching PBS, I made fun of him every time I saw him. See? I am Judgmental.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello? Is this Kelly?
Kelly: Yeah. Who’s this?
Me: It’s Dana’s friend, Kirk.
Kelly: OH! HI KIRK! I was waiting for your call.

Now was she like waiting, waiting? Was Kelly just sitting by her phone, watching the clock tick by and waiting for that phone to ring?

Me: Yeah, sorry I didn’t call you earlier. I was busy running errands.

My errands consisted of, getting Starbucks coffee and watching some TV.

Kelly: It’s okay.


Kelly: So…you like work with Dana?
Me: Yeah. She’s a really great friend.
Kelly: I know! I love her!
Me: Yeah. Me too.


Kelly: I was wondering if maybe we can meet somewhere. Go out to eat or something?
Me: (stumbling over my words) Yeah. Sure. I guess. I mean, sure.
Kelly: (sighs) Oh…you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
Me: No..no. I do. (That’s a lie)
Kelly: Really? Cause it won’t be a big deal if you say no.

The moment she said that, I really wanted to say, “No” then hang up and toss the number. That reminds me of this time at work. A long time ago, this customer asked me out. I didn’t know her at all. The most I knew about her, is she hated lettuce on her hamburgers. She gave me her number one day. I took it, you know, to be nice. I walked back in the kitchen, turned on the burners and tossed the paper on the fire. Tell you this. It was awkward seeing her after that.

Me: Really. I think it would be awesome for us to meet. I need to get out more. (Another lie.)

She was all happy and we set up some plans to meet. Now, I have a date. Dana is so going to pay for this. This friend of hers better be something special or so help me. We planned on going out to eat around 6 that night. She picked some Italian place. It would be my first time going there but I have heard the food is amazing. It was just after 4. I had 2 hours to lounge around before I met up with Kelly. Maybe this would be a good date. Maybe I will actually like her and maybe she’ll like me. Or, it could turn out terrible and we would both hate each other. If I was to pick the outcome right now, I bet my life that she will hate me more than I hate her. No..wait. I will do it the other way around. I will hate her more than she hates me. Remember? I am very judgmental. So I win.

I wait around the house thinking of what to talk about. Now..I haven’t been on a date for along time. I wasn’t sure if they rules have changed or anything. Should I bring note cards with questions on it? Maybe some cliff notes? I got in my car and started my way to the restaurant. On my way there, I began to think of questions to ask her or anything we should talk about. I figured religion, sex, and politics would be the best conversations to go with. Religion being the first topic. I pulled up to the place and got out. And then I remembered. I never asked her what she looks like. And I didn’t tell her what I looked liked either. This was going to be harder than I thought. But you make the best of any situation. I decided to make this a game of sort. I stood by car and had a smoke. I watched as people pulled up and walked up to the door. There was this one gal who was extremely hot! I just ogled her and hoped to God it was Kelly. But sure enough, who was following behind her? None other than her boyfriend. It wouldn’t have been that bad but he caught me looking at her. Now, I bet you’re thinking, “Maybe it was her brother.” Maybe it was. Her held her hand and kissed her. So there you go. Boyfriend/girlfriend…or brother and sister from down south. More people walked by. I saw families, married couples with kids, and single women. Okay. Ten minutes passed and no one who struck me as Kelly walked by. Maybe she stood me up! Or, maybe she got there before I did and was waiting inside. Yeah…she was inside. I walked in and there was this gal sitting alone. She was playing with her cell phone. The hostess greeted me and asked me if I needed help. “No..I am waiting for someone.” The gal (the one with the phone) overheard me and asked if I was Kirk. Not only does she have bad taste in music, she also likes to listen in on other people’s conversations. So Kelly has two strikes so far. It’s only the first inning, and we got 8 more to go.

Kelly was a pretty gal. She was about 5’6, or something. I am bad with heights. She had blonde hair and had these blue/gray eyes. I got a thing for eyes. The area between the neck and waist isn’t my thing. I mean it’s a really nice area. Don’t get me wrong, but eyes get me all the time. She had a great smile too. So she was good looking. I am not superficial, but appearances do play a big role in relationships. I’ll just say “she takes very good care of herself” so I don’t come off as some creep who is only concerned about looks. With that, I give her home run. Run the bases baby, you’re still at bat.

We get to our table. It’s a nice place. I am a big Italian food fan. I like food in general. I don’t like food that swims or anything that once lived in a body of water. That’s about the only thing I won’t eat. Our waiter comes over. We order our drinks. I was really craving some alcohol but I was driving and well…you all know the story. So I got a coke instead. She got some wine. That lush. I noticed the wine was poured in to what looked like a juice glass. You would think with this being some upscale restaurant, they would be able to afford wine glasses. We sit there and drink a bit and chit chat. It took a while for us to talk. We kind of just sat there and looked at each other for a while. We asked each other how our day has been. She talked about her job. She did some secretary job at some office. Or was it McDonalds? I don’t know. I was too busy looking at the waitress at the table across the way to bother listening. I told her about what I do. How I have been doing it for so long. She was all, “Oh…wow! You should own the place by now.” She joked. What a zinger. I haven’t heard that one before. If she wanted jokes, I have tons. But my jokes are rated R and I didn’t know Kelly that well. Maybe she’s really religious or a god fearing Christian. I’ve had Christian friends and when the topic comes up about Catholics and Christians, it ends with one of us storming out all huffy. There was this time at work (It’s sad that most of my back stories always happen at work. Maybe it’s because I am there 50 plus hours a week. A lot of things go down at work). So yeah..This one time at work, I was talking to a kid. He was about 17 or something. We got to talking about religion. He was a big Christian. After we argued about our faiths and what we believe in. In my case, I argued about what I think Catholics believe in. He looks at me and says with a straight face, “When you’re burning in hell for your beliefs, I’ll be in heaven with God.” That stuck me to the cord. I thought I was going to hell for being heartless. Guess being a heartless Catholic, I have no chance ever of meeting Peter or God. Guess you got to take the hand you’re dealt.

So after her stand up routine was over, we started talking about our families. She said her family is really close. She said how they always get together for the holidays and always there for each other in their times of need. She has a brother and a younger sister that she loves a lot. Her brother is just a year older than her. She laughed when she said people always think they are twins cause “We are SO (she put a lot of emphasis on the word “so”) alike it’s not even funny.” I bet it isn’t funny. You’re not funny, so the similarities between you and your brother probably aren’t either. I told her about my family but I skipped their ages. Truthfully, I don’t even know how old my brother and sisters are. I know how old I am and my younger sister. After us, I am lost. She thought that was “cute”. How lame. My mom says “cute”. If she uses that word again, the date is over. I don’t want to date my mom. I don’t have an Oedipus complex. Forget it. She’s out. Inning is over. Now I am at bat.

I was sweating by this point. The awkward silence was getting to us both. Neither of us knew what to talk about. We kind of both just buried our heads in to the menu and would comment on the entrees. “Oh! They have spaghetti!”

“Really? You think!?” I didn’t say that but if I did, I would have got an earful. I am sure of it. Our waiter came over. He just saved the day. I ordered my food. I got some Fettuccini and she got steak. It took her forever to order. She had to know what was in everything. What’s in the garden salad? What kind of dressing do you have? Is there meat in this? Is that a heavy sauce? On and on. God, I hate going out to eat sometimes. I already know what I want to eat when I walk in to somewhere. I don’t spend fifteen minutes trying to decide. But even though it took her ages to order, she got a steak. That’s a real woman right there. She’s my kind of gal again.

We were alone again. This isn’t going to be good. I mean I like her. Well, her taste in food at least but our conversation was like a Pepsi left out all night. God, I really wish I brought some note cards or something. I would have had at least an idea of what to say. I thought for a moment about what to ask. Maybe ask about her interests. That should start at least some conversation. She liked running, music and clubbing. Eww…clubbing. I hate going to clubs. That last time I went to a club I passed out drunk and was asked, well told to leave. So clubbing isn’t my thing. I give her an out for that but she likes alcohol so I’ll let her stay. She asked me what I like to do. I told her. Love music, writing and movies. Then it went in to the whole, “what do you write? Like poetry?” No. I write stories.

This date was turning into a disaster. It made the Hindenburg disaster look like nothing. ”Oh the humanity!” We’re like so opposite. How did my friend think we would be perfect for each other? Cause we both like to drink? Well that’s all fine and dandy, but I do more than drink. She doesn’t even smoke. She thinks smoking is nasty. It’s icky. That’s what she said, “Smoking is icky.” Icky!? Are you serious!? People still say “icky”? It’s like I am on a date with a 12 year old. At least she didn’t have her hair in some pig tails. I knew a girl who wore pig tails and she was well in her twenties. She used to like me but after she had a falling out with another friend of mine, it kind of meant that I was out of her life too. Not that I cared. I never really liked her. It was just odd that she did that.

She was about to ask me something but my phone went off. Someone sent me a text. I love getting texts. Hell, a text from anyone would be great right now. It was from Jackiee. Jackiee to the rescue! I quickly pulled out my phone. I know I was on a date and all, but come on! It’s Jackiee! I had to see what she wanted.

“Hey Kirk! Just thought I would say Hi and ask how the date is going!”

I replied back and let her know that it was reminding me of Dragon’s Cove. Jackiee lol’ed and asked why. I said how she and I are not compatible. I couldn’t go in real detail at the time because I was getting looks from Kelly. I guess texting on a date is a bad thing? Why did no one tell me this? I shouldn’t have played with my phone. I always get mad at my sister when she plays with hers. I see why she does play with her phone. I mean, there isn’t anything else I can play with, at least not in public. So my phone was the next best thing. I finished talking to Jackiee and put my phone away. “Who was that?” She asked me.

I told her it was a friend. You would think it would have ended there but Kelly had to keep asking away. She had to nerve to ask me if it was like an ex girlfriend. No. Jackiee is just a friend. Then Kelly had to know where. You know how many looks and stares I get when I say I talk to people online? It’s really annoying. I am sure you all have been through it too. I kept trying to avoid saying, “online” but it was twenty questions with her. Finally I caved and said I knew Jackiee from online. Okay, I know that was going to get me looks and possibly end the date. I figured she was going to get up, toss her napkin down and walk away. No. Now I was getting a lecture. “You talk to people online?” She asked me if I thought it was safe. She said how she read some study about how some percentage of people online lie about who they are, their lives, sex and everything. So she was right on that part. I can name quite a few people who lied about who they are. I said that I trust Jackiee enough to know that she isn’t lying. Kelly ended it there. I know that pissed her off that I talked to “strangers”, as people call them online but it’s cool with me. I took candy from strangers when I was little and now I talk to them online.

Our food arrived. They set the food down in front of us and they walked away. “Looks good.” I said. Kelly agreed. Even if it looked nasty, I would still say it looked good. I mean, I have had some pretty sucky meals in my life but every time they asked me, “how was the meal?”, I always say it was good. Saying otherwise just means I got to talk to them more and piss off the cook. No one likes a pissed off cook. They do things to your food.

Kelly cut into her steak. She threw the fork on the plate and tossed her hands in the air. She huffed and sighed. “I asked for well done. I still see pink. I’m not paying for this [censored] meal.” Kelly had to make a big deal over it. Thank god I got my food already. Kelly waved her arms in the air. It was like she was some air traffic controller and she landing some jumbo jet. He walked over and asked what the problem was. I pointed to Kelly. “Is their problem with your meal ma’am?” Look dude! It’s not the meal. It’s her. She’s the problem. I say lots of things to myself all the time. I need to speak up more and just say it. The waiter was all apologetic about the whole ordeal. Kelly was furious. It’s a steak for heaven’s sake. Just drown it in some steak sauce and you’ll be fine. Of course, I was nice about it and was Kelly’s pep rally. I cheered her on as she stuck it to the man. “I asked for well done! I still see pink. Go back and fix this [censored] steak.”

Wow. Did she just say what I thought she said? I know. How rude. Who on earth eats well done steak? But she swore! After she said that four letter word, I knew I was in love. She went on a tangent on continued to swear more. More four letter words rolled off her tongue. With each word coming out of her mouth, I was ready to run out and buy a ring and rent the reception hall. I don’t condone swearing but I swear. How can I be myself if I have to watch whatever I say? What if Kelly and I really hit it off (which is not very likely), I can’t just hold in my profanities. It would be impossible. She did apologize about what she said. I laughed. I told her it isn’t a big deal. Said I rarely hold back what I want to say. By the way I swear, you would think I was taught it in grade school. Imagine that in grade school…French, Spanish, German, or how to swear? I bet you know the class that will have the full house.

Again he said he was sorry and hurried back to the kitchen to fix the steak. While we waited, she just complained about her meal and kept asking me, “Is it that hard to cook a steak?” Over and over again. That’s all she said. I couldn’t even give her answer. Even when I tried, she cut me off and moaned about the meal some more. A bit later, the meal came back out. This time, the manager brought it out. He was the big man. He basically kissed her ass the whole time. He watched her cut in to the steak to make sure it was well done. Thankfully, it was. He said he was going to not charge her for her meal. It was on them tonight. Okay, what about mine? So I still got to pay for mine? That’s a load of garbage. He left and Kelly smiled. She just cut in to her steak and chewed. Ever see a dog eat its kibbles and bits? Imagine that, but pretend the dog is a human and sitting in front of you. Needless to say, I was losing my appetite.

So I ate my meal and she shoveled her downs with a back hoe she borrowed from the construction yard down the street. She shoveled the vegetables she got as a side down her mouth. She didn’t take time to even chew it. It was just a repetitive motion. A piece of the pea pod was sticking to the side of her lips. I swear I felt like I was in a barnyard. I bet if they offered her a trough, she would have taken it. ”That’ll do pig.”

We talked very little. When we did it was just a simple yes or no reply. We would come up for air to nod at each other’s comments. I didn’t bring it up, but she began to talk about religion. I don’t like talking about religion at all. I do but I need to be really drunk to even talk about it. She is catholic. How amazing is that!? I am Catholic too but I don’t practice at all. I don’t even believe in God, or heaven or hell…any of that stuff. I just live life. We both agreed on how our faith gets a lot of slack for praying to Mary and having saints that we pray to as well. The topic kept going. We got in to other religions that went on to the discussion of cults. I watched some David Keresh movie the other day. It was really boring. She said people who join cults are really foolish. How they are lost and just want something to believe in or feel like they belong somewhere. I laughed to myself when she said that. She asked me if I would ever join a cult. Before I could say anything (and thank god), our waiter came up and asked if we wanted any dessert. She said no. I on the other hand, was all for it.

I ordered some chocolate cake. It was delicious. (Whenever I spell out that word “delicious”, that Fergy song starts playing in my head) I don’t even like chocolate cake. The choices were pretty weak. They had some pumpkin cheesecake and something else I couldn’t even pronounce. I don’t even think our waiter said it right. Now was it wrong of me to actually get the cake? I felt bad for sitting there and eating my cake, while she just rested her head on her hand and watched me eat. It was well worth the seven dollars for that cake.

We finished our meal. It was really good. She ate most of hers. Most of her meal ended up in her napkin or on the floor. They sat the bill down and thanked us for coming in. Should I still be responsible for paying for the whole meal? I know hers ended up being free, but I thought she should pay half. I mean, it wasn’t like I set up the date. We both went. So we both should be paying for it. If I made her pay half, she would tell Dana and then Dana would tell everyone how I am a bad person and I make the women pay too. I couldn’t have that. I don’t want to be seen as a bad person.

We left the restaurant and walked outside. It was a bit chilly. I couldn’t tell but she did. She did that old chick routine. You know the one where they pretend to be cold so you get closer to them? I had a coat on. I don’t really need it. I just like wearing it. She didn’t bring one. Oh well. You’re the one who wants to walk the streets. Not my fault you didn’t bring a coat. I am not giving you my coat. So please back off. Maybe I could have handled that better. Guess there will be no second date. Rats. (That was sarcasm).

So we walked around. For those that know me, I don’t like people touching me. I have a germ thing. It’s not that serious. I just never liked shaking hands at church. Or when a customer grazes their hand against mine, I run to the sink to wash my hands. It’s bad. Who knows where their hands have been. Maybe they forgot their cell phone at home and needed something to play with. I don’t know. I never ask. So Kelly decided to weasel her way close to me. She digs around and finds my hand. How cute. I feel like a real couple now. We’re holding hands. Excuse me while I find some disinfectant. We stop at some shops we…SHE wanted to see. How many purses do you ladies need? She was already carrying one. Why on earth do you need another? We left the store and I got the privilege of holding her newly bought item. I noticed a computer gaming store down the way. I was hoping to get in there and look around. There is this game I have been dying to get. (World in Conflict). We get to the store, but no. Kelly doesn’t want to go in. Since I am with her, I am not allowed in either. She rolled her eyes at me and she yanked me down to a store that sells purses. “Why do you need video games? Those things are so juvenile.” I like how everything I do is “so juvenile”. She was treating me like some sophomore in high school. I mumbled to myself and called her some names. Kelly skipped her way to the second purse store. She was “ooo” and “ahhh” when she looked at them. None of them caught her interest I guess because we left the second purse store. She didn’t buy anything there. She just wanted to look around. That’s what she said. “I just wanted to look around.” You already bought one, and you already own one, I don’t see any reason why you need a third.

We back tracked to the parking lot. The other side of the street didn’t have any interesting stores. Half of the stores catered to women. Now remember how I said I hated her answer tone? Well, I got to hear one of her ring tones. It was her friend Ashley. Ashley’s ring tone was Kanye West. I hate that man more than he hates George Bush. Kelly has terrible taste in music. Kelly got off the phone. I asked her who it was. She told me that. When I asked what it she wanted, Kelly had the nerve to tell me, “It’s none of your business.” Wow. You know Kelly, if this is going to be the start of a relationship; we need to be honest with each other. We need to tell each other things. Secrets don’t make friends.

I was really craving a cigarette about then. But she didn’t like people who smoked. She thought smoking was “icky”. I should smoke. It was get me out of the end of the date kiss. I walk her to her car. Well, I was actually led to her car. We stood by her car for a while. Okay. You know Kelly. We ate, we walked around and you got your new purse. What else is there to do? She was all, “I had a really good time. I think we should do this again.” Again? I guess I impressed her. But how? I did all I could to not impress her. Again, I said, “Okay! Sounds great!” Why can’t I just be an adult and say what I really want. If I did, I would have probably would have made her cry. Crying which just escalate to something else and then I would have to stick around till she stopped. She hinted around for the kiss. I did a quick move. I was like David Blaine. There was no smoke and mirrors during this act. I did some slight of hand got a smoke out and lit it up. It was like that coin from the ear trick. Except it was a cigarette from the pocket. If you could have seen the look on her face! Oh Em Gee! It was priceless. She gave me this cold stare, like I murdered someone. Sorry Kelly. Not killing anyone but myself. That first puff was probably the only thing that made my night enjoyable.

She got quieter. You know when people either know they lost an argument or they are totally against something, they talk really loud at first, then by the end of what they’re saying, it’s so quiet that only a dog can hear it. Yeah, that’s what she did. I win! She got in her car and I stepped to the side. I just stood there and smoked while she began to pull away. She stopped next to me and said, “Have a good night! I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Okay! You do that.” I just turned around while she was saying her final good bye and walked to my car. I walked away from her when she talking! That has to be a big no no! That has to seal the deal with no second date. I sat in my car for a bit and laughed. This had to be the worst night of my life. I’ve been arrested and been robbed. Both of those were more exciting than tonight.

I am still waiting for her to call me back. Do you think she will? Should I call? What if she does, should I agree to a second date? Remember my “guess who Kelly is” game I played at the restaurant? Maybe I can make this dating Kelly a game. How many times can I piss her off? If I do play this game, I am going to need note cards for it. I see Dana at work Tuesday. That will be nerve racking. I can keep my distance from Kelly. But I see Dana 3 or 4 times a week. I know she’s going to ask how the date went. Kelly probably already told her how it was. This is all a mess. Maybe I should just call Kelly and leave some nasty call on her voice mail. This is all a mess. Now you know why I hate when friends try to set other’s friend up with people. It never works out. I guess I will let you all know how it turns out.