05/14/11

Have You Ever Seen: The Grim Reaper

It is a bit funny that I have Netflix considering I work at a video store. Anywho, my brother and I enjoy watching the B of all B movies. Nothing has been able to top Thankskilling (iTunes) and I’m not sure if anything will be able to. As it goes, I was waiting for a ride and opted to pass the time by watching a movie. When I opened up Netflix and looked at its suggestions for me The Grim Reaper (iTunes), circa 2007, popped up. I avoided reading the summary ’cause that’s all part of the excitement and hit ‘play.’ The movie starts with a girl in a white outfit fit for a stripper walking up a flight of stairs, and ends with her in building, walking down a hallway.  A dark figure is walking behind a girl and lifts something up and then…oh it was a dream sequence.

Grim Reaper

 

Of course everyone at the hospital thinks Rachel is going crazy. Though Rachel is no longer at the hospital, but somewhere else. She is at some other kind of hospital, and have some new characters, the good old “trusting” doctor, the quiet artist who won’t talk to anyone but draws pictures of the Grim Reaper, the suicidal wrist-cutting girl, the abused girl who lost her eyesight because her boyfriend was jealous and threw bleach into her eyes, the untrusting dude who needs pills to manage, and finally the band playing guy who seems like a stoner. Have a look at a bit of the movie:

They are all trapped and unable to get out. So each one starts to get picked off one by one, the quiet artist is killed when the Grim Reaper throws guitar drumsticks at his face, and the artist boy is no more. Well I guess splitting up and wandering around, in an abandoned hospital is a good idea, and I guess the Reapers body count will raise to 4.  The 2 girls decide to go off someone else to avoid then Grim Reaper. The blind girl can hear things really well, for she knows that the Grim Reaper is coming. The wrist-cutting, suicidal chick can’t take it so she electrocutes herself, and leaves the blind girl to defend for herself, well the Reaper is getting closer… and well you can assume you know what happens to her.

The pill-popping dude runs to a room to hide from the Reaper, but the Reaper finds him, and needs to clear the dude’s debt.  The Reaper is standing in the doorway with the blind chick’s head. The Reaper and the pill popper fight and Reaper wins. The stripper and the band-playing guy end up finding the pill popper sliced and diced, and they run for cover.

They go and find the doctor’s office in hopes they can find meaning to all this. The doctor tells them why the Reaper is chasing them. The doc made a deal with the Reaper, “Save my life, and I will bring you lost souls who don’t deserve to live.” What better place to find them then at an ER? Well the stripper and band player look everywhere for something to break the curse, and the band player goes to the closet, there’s a bit of noise, and then a whoosh. The band player is no more…sliced and diced. The stripper runs around trying to find a way out. But she doesn’t know that her boyfriend found a way in. Kind of curious how they can’t find a way out, but he can find a way in.

They find each other and devise a plan to beat Reaper. Lets drug up the girlfriend, and put her in a drug-induced coma, and then they Reaper will pay. Well she ends up in the same place as her dream sequence, you know, walking upstairs, walking downstairs and then to a hallway, then the Reaper appearing. Something happens and a light shines through a window and the stripper girl moves causing the light to hit the Reaper and he burns up.

The stripper and her boyfriend escape and make it safely back home. All is good with the world. Or is it? At the end of the movie the poor stripper has a dream (or not) about the Reaper coming after her.

Grim Reaper was so not worth my time. I could have written about any other movie, Dead End, or Séance, or 5ive Girls, Haunted Highway, etc, but I decided on this one. Trust me when I say you should probably watch one of the aforementioned because you are not missing much by avoiding Grim Reaper.

01/2/11

What’s The Matter?

It is a horrible feeling when you’re not yourself. I like to think of myself as a laid back guy. I take most things with a grain of salt. I am not saying I don’t stress out or get angry. I do. It’s natural. But to lose the sense of humor, the uncanny outbursts of randomness, and the inside jokes that seem to never really stay inside. All these things combined make me who I am today. Just a few days ago, I seem to have lost the energy I once had. I went to Bob Evans like normal. I was fine there. I was fine on the way home. I took a small nap. The meal was pretty filling this time around. I napped. I woke up and something inside me was gone. The happiness, the joy, the thirst for excitement was no more. A dead parrot has more gusto than I do. While I sulked for two days, alone in my house, I questioned as to what brought this 180 degree change of attitude to me. I am still lost. I do not know the answer. I do not know what took the joy of life out of me. I can sit here and go over the little things.

The Food Project Is Done.

Maybe this is it. Maybe the thought of knowing it’s over put me in this rut. I mean, I worked on this thing for a full year. It’ll be the same if someone quit smoking for a year and then started up right after the ball dropped. They would have to be upset with themselves. Okay, maybe not the best analogy. The point is, I no longer have to race to my computer before bed and log in what I ate and drank for that day. Could I continue this project? Yeah, I could. Do I want to? No, not really. While I was in bed last night trying to sleep, I was bewildered about not having to write anything down. It feels strange. I feel as if I should be doing it. I feel like I need to log it. But if my eating habits never trailed away from the bad, I highly doubt that I will eat better and cut back on the soda, the coffee, or the alcohol.  This could be a reason as to why I feel different. Knowing that I have no real job or responsibility left.

The Food Project Results.

Reading and tallying up the totals was fun. It was fun to see what I ate and drank. It was crazy to see the actual final number to it all. While some things didn’t bother me, others did. Looking at the amount of alcohol I drank or the times I went to McDonald’s or Burger King, those things really give you a perspective of how crappy you treat your body. I don’t feel sick. Hell, I never am. I feel like I am in good health. Aside from my panic attacks, there seems to be nothing wrong with me. My blood work came back fine. My cholesterol is peachy. Everything is working. I am not 100% in full function but if I were to guess how well I am, I’d say I am roughly 80% or higher. Not bad for a guy who never exercises or watches what he eats. With the results, I could be bothered by the numbers that seem to reach that high. I doubt this is it. I am fully aware of the amount of coffee I drink. I was sure the number was going to be high. If I drank at least 2 coffees a day, it shouldn’t come to me as a shock that it is well over 700 cups.

My Hat Is Retired.

A long shot but we joked about it at work today. I know, I joked. I did crack some smiles towards the end of my shift. Making matters worse today, I think I am catching a cold. Sucks. I haven’t been sick or under the weather for three years. But usually if I am sick, It’s one day. That one day is the only time I’ll be sick that year. While being sick is horrible, it isn’t the reason for the change in me. The hat I am talking about, is my work hat. The hat is something I love dearly. Most people I know have a hat they wear whenever they go out. It’s their baby. This hat is my baby. It was once black. This once cotton hat now looks like a brown and leathery hat. Sweat stains line the inside. Pen marks are inside the hat. The bill is falling apart. Loss threads dangle about. While the hat doesn’t quite look like a normal hat, it had formed nicely to fit my head. I wore this hat for seven years. It’s been through a lot. It has seem a lot. I know this isn’t what is making me act a fool (up in here, up in here.) but parting with the hat is something I said I’d do. I told them the first of the year, I’ll switch to a new hat. I am a man of my words (a majority of the times…). With my hat now in retirement, I am wearing a new hat. The bill isn’t formed. The hat doesn’t set perfectly on my head. Nothing about the hat feels right. It’s like a new recliner. You have to break it in. It’ll take a while before this hat becomes a part of me. Till that time comes, this hat and I are just going to have to live together in harmony.

2011.

I got the new years blues. It is a time for a fresh start. Nothing happened in 2010. I felt healthy. My attacks still happened but I am not too worried about them. I let them pass and go about my day. There wasn’t any changes at work. Nothing to report. With 2010 gone and a new year here, knowing that the year is new could be what triggered this hysteria inside me. The start of something fresh and new. I always make up this plans for when the new year begins. I say I’ll do this and I say I’ll do that. While I am at most times a man of my world, giving up certain vices is not something I will do without some sort of agreement. I ended up staying home on New Years Eve. I was already in a sour mood. I just wanted to be a lone to sulk and think about why I hated life so much. I didn’t scream and yell when the ball dropped and 2011 waddled in. I finished my last beer and was pretty much, ‘oh look. It’s 2011. Awesome.” I shuffled off to bed and questioned the food log, the past year, and thought about goals and where I want to be in 2011. Each year, I feel older and older. Makes sense. I mean, we do age every year. But as I get older, I think about the way I act. I said how I say and do random things. While it keeps my spirits up and the morale of others, it doesn’t make sense for someone getting closer to 35 to act like he just hit 18. I wish I could just turn off some switch where I wasn’t that way. I have tried to be the mature one. The one who follows the rules and doesn’t play games. I’ve done that. I was talked to about that. They asked what was wrong and why I wasn’t myself. It’s hard explaining to people that you just want to do your job and put the silliness aside. It’s a lose/lose situation. If I act normal, I will always be stuck in the same job where I am the guy who takes nothing seriously. If I act mature and not like a kid hopped up on sugar, I can move forward in my career but acting like a stiff, makes people think I am depressed and killing the life around me. I even tried to tone it down but still, if I ever try to not act normal, I am looked at like I am angry, depressed or in a bad mood. Guess the best route to go is to act like a teenager with a hatred for all those around them.

Voodoo Curse.

It may sound crazy but it’s also a possibility. I believe in the paranormal. I believe that when the world ends, it’ll be destroyed by zombies. If ghosts and zombies are real, then why can’t voodoo be? Is voodoo the reason we have zombies in the first place? There are people in the world who dabble in the occult. These people, although seem normal to some, take part in witchcraft. They hug mother earth, praise Gods of nature and summon flowers, and dance around in Renaissance type clothing. While these witches, or Wicca (be it whatever they want to be called), claim to listen to death metal and cut themselves, they truly are a harmless bunch. But a select few do practice spells, voodoo, and treat the Ouija board like a internet junkie treats Facebook. I had the privilege of knowing a witch. While I sadly admit, I had a friendship with the witch, things went sour and that is when things began to get ugly. After a barrage of attacks and circumstances beyond my drunken control, I put myself in a position to be put under a spell. While I kept busy with buying toilet paper and milk, the witch was gathering up frog legs, eye of newt, and the blood of a virgin butterfly. As the year drew to an end, the witch secretly put on a spell on me. To be extra sure I was to succumb to this curse, I also had an image of me created into a little soap voodoo doll. I am poked and prodded. With the curse and this soap voodoo, the witch has all the power it needs to make my life a living hell. There is very few cures for a curse like this. But I choose not to go on this mission. I rather not come face to face with the witch again. Who knows what evilness lies within. A stretch but you never know. Stranger things have occurred.

I am going to get to the bottom of this. I will find out what is causing this sudden change of attitude. There must be an answer. I don’t want to fall into a deep depression and lose what little hopes and dreams I have left. The hat, the new year, even the witch. These all are valid reasons for me to worry about myself. As I shut off the world, cast out friends and loved ones, I sit alone in the silence of a lifeless room. The air is thin. The room pulsates with every breath I take. My eyes grow heavy and I find myself falling in to despair. It would be impossible for me to ask for a hug or some form of comfort. Being a person with a slight case of OCD and fear of germs, the whole touching thing is off limits. Maybe, just maybe. A touch of a woman is a way to break the voodoo curse. The witch knows I don’t like it. The witch knows I don’t like being touched. A task that seems simple some, is a mission that will never be completed.  The witch knows I will never ask for a handshake, a hug, or the chance to caress a bare bosom. Fear not, people. If the witch wants a fight. A fight they’ll get. Break out the two by fours. Light a fire. This witch is getting barbecued.

In Conclusion…

There is no reason to worry about me. I am sure this is just some phase. Some strange withdrawal I am having. Sooner or later, I will come around. I will be back to the laughter, the mocking of the innocent, and the uncanny ability to make any situation a laugh out riot. Whatever issue it that caused this, it will pace. I will be normal once more. I will binge and I will indulge in a plethora of vices. Thanks for reading.

12/30/10

Have You Ever Seen: The Hive

I don’t know how I always pick the movies that are so god awful. I was scrolling through the instantly watch videos on Netflix and spotted this gem. The cover art is something magical. Who doesn’t like a movie where nature turns on man. I am not talking about natural disaster. No typhoons. No earthquakes. Not even a giant tornado can compare to what lies beneath our feet. The hive is a classic SyFy movie. It has the out of work actor, the outrageous story line, and the cheapest effects.

The Hive (iTunes) is a simple idea. On a remote South East Asian island, the natives are being attacked by an army of killer ants. A group of eco-mercenaries are brought in to save the day and rid the island of these pesky ants. But what lies ahead is something that no one is prepared to hear. These ants aren’t just ants. They are controlled by something not of this world. Can these eco-mercenaries stop the ants before they consume the island and everything or everyone on it?

AntsI cannot stress enough how awful this movie is. It was a wreck from the moment it began. The opening scene is of ants crawling on a tree. I was sure we were going to get an instant kill within the first five minutes of the movie. I was right. A woman is cleaning her house and tending to her baby. The ants are just covering the place. I don’t mean the floor. I don’t mean the walls. These ants are crawling all over the ceiling. With a mothers intuition, she quickly grabs her baby before a pile of ants crash down on top of it. The woman hurries to the door but trips. The baby slides across the floor and within seconds, the mother is covered in ants. The woman is nothing more than a ‘picked to the bone’ skeleton. Holy Shit! These ants mean business. The ants maneuver themselves towards the baby. While we see a few ants crawling on the baby, we don’t see its’ demise. The scene jumps to an outside view of the house and a scream is heard while the house goes black. That’s two dead people already. Can someone save the day before they kill more?

We are introduced to a group of eco-mercenaries. These men are part of the Thorax Team. They are called in when a nuance (such as ants) are needed to be eradicated. This team is pretty well equipped. While I am all for the cool and high-tech weapons in movies, these weapons just seemed a little out-of-place. It’s like when you see Chris Elliot in The Abyss. It just throws you a WTF moment and then everything just seems totally outrageous. I was predicting they would spray the ants with a corrosive acid of sort. Acid would have been cool. It would have been bad ass if someone got a little too close to the hose and gets doused. The Thorax Team have laser guns that shoot a blue stream of light that seems to just kill the ants but nothing else around it. While they looked cool, I just cannot find them being plausible. They looked more like the belonged in another bug infestation movie, “Starship Troopers”.

Ants

The acting reminded me of any high school production I’ve seen. The dialogue seems stale. You’re being attacked by smart, killer ants. I’d be terrified. Scream in terror. Run in terror. Don’t just point and say, “oh no.” The movie had only one major star. Major is pushing it. Since his “Dukes of Hazzard” days are up, Tom Wopat is just looking for any work that can bring home a check. He plays one of the Thorax Team members, Bill. Once the movie introduced him, I was 100% correct he was going to die. He played the rebel team member. He was either angry or really pissed off.

I don’t know how many ants there are in the world. Some say trillion. Other places say quadrillion. That’s the entire world. This island is infested with millions upon millions. The ground is covered Antsin them. While Bill and Len (Kal Weber) are on a mission to kill these bugs, they come to an incredible site that neither of them can explain. The ants have seemed to master creating complex works of art.  The ants bring down a tree branch and a single ant crawls inside Bill’s ear. The bite seems to trigger something in Bill and makes him extremely pissed off. The ants even seem to create an arm over to pull a boat back to shore. How smart are these ants? How stupid do you think people are? It’s a little over the top.

Ants

The movie was full of really bad CGI moments. The ants even go as far as creating a giant ant made of ants to crush a human. A cheap gag which wasn’t even the slight bit funny. The team comes to the hive of the ants. Still boggles the mind when I keep saying ‘the hive’. Ants live in colonies. It’s bees that live in hives. While in the nest, they discover the ants have created a working computer. You can see how out there this movie is when they give these ants the intelligence of a human that can create a working computer. This explains how the ants can create these structures they do. The ants even work together to hold a little girl hostage. With the girl hostage, the leaders of this island need to act fast. It’s time to eradicate them. Cause according to the general on the island,

“We don’t negotiate with ants.”

Really!? Really!? Did he just say that? What the eff? The Thorax Team bargains with the ants to make a trade for the little girl. In the end, Bill takes a bomb to the nest. Kal and his pretty young girlfriend flee with the young hostage. The world is safe from these killer, Einsteinian ants.  The crappy CGI, the bad voice dubbing, and the great twist to the movie, (it was aliens that made the ants become super smart) made this movie a giant piece of dog turd. It could have worked if they just left the aliens out. The movie wouldn’t have been any better if they hadn’t, it just would have been a little more of the ‘ants getting pissed off at people’ type of movie. Spiders get pissed, bees get pissed, and genetically altered wasps get pissed. But none of them are being controlled by an alien from outer space. It is a movie that fits in nicely with the rest of the SyFy line ups. SyFy isn’t known for blockbusters. Most of their movies are off the wall and random as sheet (Sharktopus). With aliens, ants that can float in the air, and blue lasers to defeat them, you got a recipe for creepy, insect crap.

10/17/10

Wanna See Something Really Scary?

Being close to Halloween, I feel it’s time to make a post about what scared me when I was little. I started up a section of the blog devoted to “top ten movies” of certain genres. I sort of pulled an epic fail on that. Maybe one day I’ll get back to writing them. The first one that started it was “top ten horror movies“. It isn’t a list I pulled from high-profile sites but a list of movies that I loved more than anything. Who doesn’t love a good scary movie? Below is a short list of movies that kept me up at night, clutching my pillow and fearing what might be underneath my bed. In no particular order…

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09/18/10

Have You Ever Seen: Mutants

After I wasted a night away watching ThanksKilling, I swore to never watch a movie like that again. While fetching my sister from work one day, a gentleman she works with approach me with tons of enthusiasm. He heard about me watching the killer turkey movie. Not sure if he is really interested in watching it or not. I explained to him and to many others that it is a movie to avoid. He geared me towards another Oscar worthy movie. He said it was bad. Not just bad but bad. He could have said horrendous. I am still debating on which of these movies takes the honor of being the worst. It is a toss-up between killer mutants or a killer turkey. I like the monster flicks. I don’t watch SyFy religiously like my brother does but I am not one to turn down a good ole fashion creature/zombie movie. I grabbed the flick and was eager to lay my eyes upon this movie. It has Michael Ironside in it! He’s in everything. With a title called Mutants it has to be good, right?

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