09/16/14

Adrian Peterson Is A Schmuck

He is the worst kind of person. You never hit kids. I don’t care who he is or how great of player he is. He deserves everything coming to him. In light of the whole scandal, I always have to make light of the situation. The NFL is falling apart. Rice is beating up women. Now we have Peterson feeling it’s okay to hit children. The line was crossed. No matter why he hit the kid, it isn’t right. There are better ways to raise your kids. I hope he gets what is coming to him,

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02/6/13

I don’t watch sports but I’ll watch the Super Bowl

I am not afraid to admit that I don’t watch sports. I just don’t. I find my time better spent working, writing, or maybe having a life. You may argue that people who watch sports have lives but I beg to differ. Life is much more than all the Elway’s, Ochocinco’s, and Manning’s combined. Don’t get your jock strap all in a bind. I am just kidding. You have lives. You probably lead a great and more meaningful life than I do. If your life consists of more than just working and sleeping, then your life is better and more fulfilling than mine. I don’t want to make it seem like my life is just all work and sleep. It’s not. I eat. I drink, I watch TV, and I solve all the worlds problems while I pretend to take an actual shower. Of all the things I do, have them be deathly boring or exciting like the orgasmic sound of the ice cream truck, nothing in life will ever put me in the position of sitting on the couch, drinking a beer with someone and watching a sporting event. It just won’t happen. Sports are not exciting on a 32 inch screen. Sports need to be seen first hand. I will never watch them on television. No. It will never happen. I shouldn’t say that it won’t ever happen. It does but only once a year. I will watch the Super Bowl and I don’t watch it for the commercials  I watch it cause it’s being an American and I am more American than I am a sports fanatic.

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11/23/09

Turkey Day.

It is getting closer to the holiday I dread the most. I don’t dread meeting and hanging with the family. That’s always fun. It’s work. It’s 2012 everyday. What amazes me is how people seem to forget it’s thanksgiving. How can you not know? I will recieve calls the day before with someone frantic on the phone. They are all, “I need help. I forgot to get a turkey. Do you have any cooked I can pick up?” I understand if you forgot to grab the cranberry sauce (I’d forget that crap too), rolls, maybe the yams, but a f**kin’ turkey!? I wonder if they forget which door to go in when nature calls. Is it the door with the triangle body or the door with the square body? Pat yourself down real quick and there, now you know. There are even people who come in on Thanksgiving Day asking if they can get a meal cause they forgot about it.  It’s three days till the big day and some folks aren’t ready. Speaking of that, I need to buy cheese. Off topic. I like to go off topic.

Our family is assigned what dish to bring along to the family gathering. I don’t know if I should say, “assigned”. It’s a first come kind of thing. I always seem to get shafted with the dang cheese tray. My sister brings some crazy dish she saw on the food network. If Bobby Flay or that fat lady from the south can make it, so can she. We’re scrambling that morning to get it all ready. Then we put the food in boxes and travel to my sister’s house for dinner. Something always gets crushed. My mom will scoff and curse to herself about the mishap. Once, a pie fell on top of the mashed potatoes and she flipped. “Oh crud! The pie just fell on the mashed potatoes. Someone take it off and make sure the mashed potatoes aren’t smashed.” Okay, mom. Yes. Let’s make sure the mashed potatoes aren’t smashed. Cause who wants to eat smashed potatoes.

We all gather in the house. I think, if I added correctly, there will be 17 people all together. We’ll bring enough food for 50. You know, just in case we all want to go back for 5ths. Here is a complied list of what we normally have every year. Be aware, that I probably forgot some.

  • Turkey*
  • Ham
  • Mashed Potatoes
  • Sweet Potatoes
  • Gravy
  • Stuffing from the bird
  • Stuffing not from the bird
  • Corn
  • Carrots
  • Green Beans
  • Green Bean Casserole (sometimes)
  • Vegetable Tray
  • Cheese/Cracker Tray
  • Jello
  • Jello with fruit inside
  • Pumpkin Pie
  • Cherry Pie
  • Apple Pie
  • Deviled Eggs
  • Pudding Dessert
  • Cream Corn
  • Potato Salad

*The Turkey is usually a 30 pound bird. You might say we can’t get a big that big. But trust me. My mom will find it. She will find the biggest bird there is. She always does. If she doesn’t and it’s like a 19 pound bird, she apologize endlessly about it. “Sorry, I couldn’t find anything bigger. I just won’t eat.”

This is normally what we always have. Every year. Before the family was at 17, it was still the same. There were 7 of us and we still made sure we were able to serve the entire neighborhood. And my mom wonders why we have so much left over. I am not saying it’s wrong. I’m one of the few (few means 2. My brother and I go back many, many times.) I like food. I like thanksgiving. Thanksgiving with the family is enjoyable. We have assigned seating. It’s sort of like X-mas morning. We have a spot we sit in every year. To this day, I still know where everyone sat. And every year, we made the youngest sibling play Santa. To this day, she still plays Santa. She’s 27. Or 28. I don’t know. I didn’t realized that other people age too. I thought I was the only one. Since it’s the holiday before Xmas, we draw names to see who buys for who. Life was so much simplier when we were younger. It’s was easier to buy and easier to decide what you would like. Now, I hardly ever know. We aren’t supposed to tell anyone who we have but we figure out who has who every year. It’s process of elimination. Us kids used to pitch in together to get our mom a grand gift. I think we still owe her a trip to Ireland. Hope she doesn’t read this. Cause then she’ll ask about it. Meh. We got her a living room set one year. That’s good enough.

Thursday is Thanksgiving. The time were supposed to give thanks. I don’t know what I am thankful for. My health? Family? Friends? I guess to sound like I am a decent person, I am thankful for a roof over my head, food on my plate and knowing that I always have someone to lend a hand when needed. Thankful for my job, for the people I work with. Be them crazy individuals or good friends. Either way they fall, it’s always room for a story.

Thanksgiving doesn’t just mean food. It means football. It’s a tradition that went away but we’re bringing it back. Turkey Bowl. A friendly game of tackle football. It’s been at least 8 years since we last played. Do we still have what it takes to play or are we all too old to play? Guess we’ll find out. Check the obituraries. If one of us are in there, then no. We were too old.