I don’t watch sports but I’ll watch the Super Bowl

I am not afraid to admit that I don’t watch sports. I just don’t. I find my time better spent working, writing, or maybe having a life. You may argue that people who watch sports have lives but I beg to differ. Life is much more than all the Elway’s, Ochocinco’s, and Manning’s combined. Don’t get your jock strap all in a bind. I am just kidding. You have lives. You probably lead a great and more meaningful life than I do. If your life consists of more than just working and sleeping, then your life is better and more fulfilling than mine. I don’t want to make it seem like my life is just all work and sleep. It’s not. I eat. I drink, I watch TV, and I solve all the worlds problems while I pretend to take an actual shower. Of all the things I do, have them be deathly boring or exciting like the orgasmic sound of the ice cream truck, nothing in life will ever put me in the position of sitting on the couch, drinking a beer with someone and watching a sporting event. It just won’t happen. Sports are not exciting on a 32 inch screen. Sports need to be seen first hand. I will never watch them on television. No. It will never happen. I shouldn’t say that it won’t ever happen. It does but only once a year. I will watch the Super Bowl and I don’t watch it for the commercials  I watch it cause it’s being an American and I am more American than I am a sports fanatic.

When I was younger, I played baseball. I wasn’t very good but who’s judging. I didn’t mind playing right field and I don’t mind knowing now what I didn’t know then that playing right field is the mark of death. It is for the suckiest players on the team. Hell, I bet if a paraplegic was on my team, he wouldn’t have been put in right field. My ego should be broken right now. I should feel something. I should feel pain, maybe some sadness because my coach saw me as the weakest link on the time and instead of cutting me and killing all joy of my summer, he kept me on, toss me in right field, and told me to look pretty. Sure balls came my way and yes, I missed them all. Sure the other players all called out the belittling, “easy out! when my 4 foot 2, 70 lb frame walked up to the plate. Sure I was struck out and walked 99 percent of the time. Sure I was the worst player on the team. Sure I was the reason the coach drank and sure the other team members partied it up and didn’t invite me roller skating or to the amusement park. Aside from all the grief, the pain, and the humiliation I endured that summer, we (more of less, they) ended up winning a trophy for first place. I may still have that trophy. We didn’t go to state or win national or anything. We walked away with a trophy and that was good enough for me. I played baseball and I liked it. Being the shittiest player on the team didn’t phase me. I was clueless to it and even now, being older and well aware that I sucked big time, I don’t care. I played and I had fun. I lived it. I did what all kids should do. Enjoyed their summer.

That was the only sport I played outside of school. I ran cross-country in high school but can’t really call that a sport. I run. I just don’t see it being a sport like football or baseball. But I am going off topic. I shouldn’t be talking about how nonathletic I am. I want to talk about football and watching sports. I just cannot watch sports on television. Maybe it is the commercial breaks or the commentators that spoil it all. I know I am not the only one that feels this way. I know other people think watching something in your home is far less exciting and memorable as seeing it happen with your own eyes. I would like that. I think I want to see it with my own eyes. Being at the stadium is entirely different from watching it live. I’ve gone to baseball games and have seen football games. The excitement of the crowd is contagious. Hearing the crack of the bat. Smelling the peanuts. It’s a drug and while being on the couch, watching the game is fine, it doesn’t compare to the wind blowing in your face, the smell of stadium food, and the pure and raw energy coming off of the fans and the players below. That is why I like seeing sports live. It’s a whole different level of entertainment. Plus, and maybe I am a sap for saying this but hearing the national anthem with my own ears, tugs at my heart more than what I hear coming out of a Bose speaker system.

SportsI am clueless and dumbfounded when people bring up sports around me. I either ignore them or mention a fact or tidbit I overheard earlier that day. I play if off like I know something but I don’t. I know nothing about football and I think that it’s sad. I should know something. But like the photo attached, when someone does bring up sports around me, this is exactly how I feel. I just don’t care to know who got drafted where or who is on your fantasy team. I don’t care how many TD’s he got or interceptions he had this year compared to last. None of that excites me enough to rub one out. It’s Greek to me. I don’t follow football. I cannot tell you players names or tell you the stats of anyone. I don’t know coaches names and if I was to tell you the names of teams, I can’t. Fuck, I was shocked when someone mentioned the Washington Nationals. I had no idea that was a team. I remember when they brought in the Marlins and the Diamondbacks. If a new team came in after them, I wouldn’t know. I stopped following baseball too. I regret that.

I liked baseball. It was my favorite sport. I watched it when I was little. I would lay on the floor, a giant black pillow below me and wrapped in a panda blanket. It was heaven. I cheered as my favorite player, Benito Santiago came to bat. Can’t say how he became my favorite but he did. I watched it. I went to see him play when he came to town. It was baseball. All kids love baseball. I loved it. I watched it. I played it. It was a drug. Somewhere down the road, I quit watching baseball. I stopped. No reason. Just did. I never watched football. I played it with my brothers and my friends but to sit on the couch and watch it, yeah no. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t get into like I do when seeing a sport played live. I’ll nod and scream when you do. I will wait for my cue to cheer or boo. Sports on television is about as entertaining as the whole NASCAR world.

With all my hatred for sports and watching them on television, I will watch the Super Bowl. I know I am not there in person but it is the Super Bowl. You can’t say you’re an American if you don’t watch the game. It would be like not watching Hockey and calling yourself a Canadian. Not sure why Hockey is a sport but it’s okay. It’s ice skating but with a puck. To each his own, you know?

I went to a friend’s house for good people, food, drinks and just a great game. I didn’t even know who was playing till the game started. That is how clueless I am to this game. But no matter how dumb I may be about it and disregard the fact that I know none of the rules of the game, I can still fake my way through it. I can pretend to know what a fullback is or what the little blue line on the field means. I can huff and puff when a flag is thrown. I can’t  tell you why the referee has BJ on his shirt but I can pretend I do with a foul, and immature remark. I don’t need to know these things. I don’t need to know who is who or which team has more running yards than the other. All that matters is the game is exciting. It was an exciting game. It seemed like it was going to be a crushing defeat for the 49er’s but after the great black out of Super Bowl 47, the 49’s dug their way out of a slum and came back. Sure they lost the game still but they came back and it was an edge of your seat game till the very last play. You can’t say you get the same feeling and nail-biting anxiety from a baseball game.

Superbowl Black OitI will continue watching the Super Bowl on television. I have watched it the last few years and enjoy it. It isn’t as thrilling as the real thing but it still makes you feel American. It’s the game everyone is watching. Watch it for the commercials  Watch it because you bet money on it. Watch it cause you like football. Watch it for whatever reason. I don’t like sports and I watch it. If I can watch it and if I can get excited about it, I am sure you can to. Suck it up and enjoy the game. Come on, dude!  It’s the Super Bowl! It’s once a year and afterwards you and I can go back to fighting orcs and trolls.


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I like food. I like the smell of cinnamon.

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