Happy St. Patty’s Day

There are few times a year that if you drink and become intoxicated, it is perfectly okay and no one will look down on you. One of those days is 03/17. No one cares about the history of St. Patty’s Day. No one will even bother to learn the history of Saint Patrick and his whimsical journey with serpents. No. None of that is important. The only important issue on this day is booze. Lots of booze and random fighting. Damn, it has to be amazing to be Irish.

It’s okay if you’re not Irish. On St. Patty’s Day everyone is Irish. It’s nothing like Cinco De Mayo. No one is running around claiming to be Mexican, especially people in Arizona. We’ll drink tequila and eat tacos. That’s how us Americans celebrate that day. We are really stereotypical when we celebrate holidays that aren’t anything about really being American.  Holidays are all about celebrating. How do I explain it? Oh, I know…


St. Patty’s Day has more traditions. People need to wear green. If you don’t wear green then someone is allowed to pinch you. Seems awfully weird to pinch someone for not wearing green. I wear green all year long. You just can’t see it. My socks cover up nasty growth of what used to be my toe nails. Chill…I’m lying. My toenails aren’t green and I don’t have any growth growing anywhere on me. (except in my pants. Oh! badda bing, badda boom) 

Funny traditions.

Besides drinking, you are going to want something to eat. You can grab a loaf of Irish soda bread. That I will say is good. I will eat that and coming from a person who hates food (but loves it so very much), that is saying a lot. There is more than just bread. You better like cabbage and corned beef. If not, you’re m-o-o-n and that spells f**ked. I’ve tried that crap and it is disgusting. Maybe I am a poor excuse for an Irishman. I don’t really like potatoes either. I am a sad Irishman. I am not even a real Irishman. I’m American. My grandpa (god rest his soul) was Irish. My dad was German. That means one thing. I am an alcoholic who hates Jews. But I should make it known. I am not an alcoholic.

Back to booze. If you are going to drink, you are welcome to drink anything. But being America, you tend to lean towards anything that remotely resembles Ireland or anything that may make you look like a real Irish person. Drink some Baileys. Have a Guinness or a Killians Irish Red. They will make the ladies swoon and they will think very highly of you. Don’t drink green beer. It’s nothing special and it only proves to people that you’re cheap and only looking for some sort of involvement with the cool Irish people around you.


Turn up the music. I will agree that when ever an Irish drinking song comes on I want to punch someone. No reason. They don’t even have to be someone I know or hate. Play this music and the fighting Irish in me comes out and is ready to kick to ass. I’ll put up my dukes and punch you in the face.

Now go be Irish. I give you permission to beat people up, drink excessively, and treat women with little respect. It’s St. Patty’s Day! Be Irish. Be drunk. Be a dick.

Happy St. Patty’s Day!


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I like food. I like the smell of cinnamon.

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