The Easter Bunny: A Man-Sized Mutant Beast

by pitweston Posted on April 7, 2012

My attempt at doing an April Fool’s Day joke failed just like Obama’s organization. I had something else planned. I was going to do something great. You know, promise something and when the time comes, don’t do anything and use the excuse that things of that magnitude don’t just happen over night. Or in Obama’s cause, over 4 years. Enough talk about Obama and his lack of change. To this real purpose of this post. Bunnies. I want to talk to you about bunnies and how evil they are. How much these furry rodents scare me and how I will run far, far away. Lobsters, giant bunnies rabbits, and clowns. While lobsters and clowns are scary, neither of those two compare to the horror of a giant Easter Bunny. I will tell you about the creature. The creature that wants to gnaw off your face.

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Like most of my stories, this one starts at work. All my stories start there. Why? Cause work is full of epic stories. Anyway, I was busy at work. I think I was doing something with chickens. My head is down and I am not paying much attention to what is happening around me. While I work, a co-worker exclaims,

Oh look! The Easter Bunny is here.

Out of habit, I look up. She was right. The Easter Bunny had arrived. I didn’t see his face but I saw the backside. The bunny is scary no matter which view you see. I gasp and look down and stupid me tells this lady,

That thing is scary. I don’t like the Easter Bunny. She laughs. I cringe. She laughs more and seeks out another employee to relish in my phobia of giant rabbit. It doesn’t take long till a number of people are doing their best to get me to see this thing up close. I won’t. I can’t. I am shaking. My shoulders twitch and I am literally hiding from this bunny. I get shoved into a room and there it is. The bunny is walking towards me with his arm wide open for a hug. Holy Hell! I wanted to die that very moment. F**king bunny.

What is wrong with me? I am scared of germs. Don’t like being touched. I am scared of bunny rabbit costumes. What else is next? I had to see if this was a real thing. I looked up on the internet if there was a clinical term for this sort of phobia. Sadly, there isn’t. The closet thing to it is, Masklophobia. It is defined as,

a fear of people in masks or mascots.

 

I don’t have that. I don’t even think of this as a real phobia. I just find people in animal costumes creepy. Don’t expect me to run up and hug Chucky Cheese or the Honey Smack Frog. I won’t do it. It just creeps me out. I once got a photo with Twinkie the Kid. That is fine. That didn’t bother me. Why? Cause it’s a giant twinkie and twinkies aren’t alive. If they were alive, well, that just be f**king insane.

It’s Easter and that means bunnies, eggs, and Zombie Jesus. I am going to showcase to you  some reasons, 5 in fact, that will prove to people that giant bunny costumes are not cute. They are creepy. I don’t care if there is someone behind the costume. That person is also responsible for the pain and torture I endure when these life-sized abominations came waltzing towards me like that bitch, Matilda. Take a look at these 5 things (in no particular order) and then you decide if my phobia of people in bunny costumes is rubbish or legit.

 

1. Donnie Darko – Frank the Bunny

Clearly, an obvious addition to this list. Why is Frank scary? Well, bunny suit for one. Plus, he takes a savage stabbing to his eye and doesn’t go down. He’s Donnie imaginary friend who knows when the world will end. A bunny that knows when the world will end. I hop(e) to God he’s wrong.  28:6:42:12…this is when the world will end. From a bunny. Nuff’ said.


2. The Bunny Man Bridge

If a giant rabbit with the power to predict the end of the world doesn’t scare you, this next little story might. It’s true or so the legend says so. It’s always scarier when it’s true. I was not aware of the Bunny Man Bridge up until a few days ago. I clicked on a link and came to this page. It was actually the same day the bunny from work chased me. How odd is that? To the legend.

According to Wikipedia, (a very reliable source)…

The Bunny Man is an urban legend that probably originated from two incidents in Fairfax County, Virginia in 1970, but has been spread throughout the Washington D.C. area. There are many variations to the legend, but most involve a man wearing a rabbit costume (“bunny suit”) who attacks people with an axe. Many variations occur around “Bunny Man Bridge”, the concrete tunnel of a Southern Railway overpass on Colchester Road in Clifton. Story variations include the origin of the Bunny Man, names, motives, weapons, victims, description of the bunny suit or lack there of, and the possible death of the Bunny Man. In some accounts the Bunny Man’s ghost or aging spectre is said to come out of his place of death each year on Halloween to commemorate his death. In some accounts, victims’ bodies are mutilated.

The legend is pretty eff’ed up. But if you’re going to go on a killing spree, why not do it in style? It just proves my point that people in bunny suits or any kind of suit, is down right frightening.

A man in a bunny suit attacks people and mutilates them. Really!? Are you still thinking this bunny costumes are cute?I don’t think so.  I would run like hell if a giant rabbit wielding an axe came running towards me screaming,

If you don’t get out of here, I’m going to bust you on the head.

Do you agree with me or do I need to persuade you a little more and make you believe that it isn’t cute. People in bunny costumes are scary.

3. The Easter Bunny 

I know it’s every parents dream to get a picture of their kid with the Easter Bunny. I am sure my mom did it with me when I was little. Do I remember? No. Maybe I am choosing not to remember. Maybe I blocked out the memory of it from my mind. I hope these kids do the same. None of these Easter Bunny wannabes are cute. They are creepy and you know it. Look at the kids. Those aren’t tears of happiness. They know the truth. They know the bunnies are out to get them. Thank you, Ellen. Thank you for showing the world the real truth behind the Easter Bunny. Click here to see the rest. The Easter Bunny is quite the mystery. When things are mysterious, they become scary. Read these six reasons why he is.

Are you still not convinced!? Okay, fine. Check these out…

If those didn’t scare you, this will.

4. The Trix Rabbit

This is the rabbit that I saw at work last week. It was terrifying. It is People were going crazy! They were lining up to get a photo with this creature that crawled out from the bowels of Hell. I swear. This is where the creature is from. Picture yourself in a dark alley. It’s dark out and there is no one around. You’re helpless. You walk and you begin to hear a noise behind you.

hop…hop…hop…

You look over your shoulder and you see it coming. It’s a bunny. He’s walking towards you. His arms extended out. You assume he wants to hug you but you’re wrong. He doesn’t want a hug. He wants to smother you. He wants you to suffocate in his fluffy, white fur. He wants you to gasp for air as he laughs. He laughs as you suffer. You suffer because someone thought bringing in a giant bunny suit would be fun and bring joy to kids and adults alike. Bullocks. Scared the s**t out of me.

WTF!? Still not. Fine. My last attempt.

 

5. Serial Rabbit 3: Splitting Hares 

It’s a movie about a serial killer in a rabbit suit. This is the icing on the cake. This is the topper. This has to be what convinces you that rabbit costumes are scary. I haven’t seen this movie. I doubt I ever will. Wait..you know what? I will. I’ll watch it. Why not. It won’t hurt. Be fun to write a review about another crappy movie. I do it often. But to the movie. What makes this movie awesome is the fact that this is the 3rd one.  They made a 3rd one so you have to know the first two were amazing. The movie is simple. Killer dresses up as a bunny and he does what killers do. He kills people. With a bunny outfit and razors for weapons, this bunny is out for blood. No one can stop him, not even the knights of the crusade and they went up against a much smaller bunny!

You excited? You wanna see it!? I do. But this is my final plea to you to come to the understanding that people in bunny costumes are scary. I am scared of any large animal outfit. I am just using bunnies since it’s Easter and bunnies have a connection to Easter. I should be more scared of zombie Jesus but that’s another story.

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Have You Ever Seen: The Midnight Hour

by pitweston Posted on April 5, 2012

There are many movies that stick with you forever. I am not talking about the movies that are big blockbusters that everyone and their family has seen. I am talking about the movies that not many people have. At least, you assume that you and your family are the only people to really lay eyes on it. I have talked about Mr. Boogedy and Midnight Madness. Other movies have been talked about on my site but those movies have had a wider audience. They are a little more well-known. This time around, I am talking about a TV movie titled, “The Midnight Hour“. It hit the airwaves back in 1985. It was many years later that I saw it. I remember laying on the floor. My brother and my sister were on the couch. We flipped on the TV and how we came across this movie, I don’t know. Am I glad we did? Yes. I watch this movie on many occasions.

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The movie takes place in a fictional town called, Pitchford Cove. A group of high school students unknowingly raise the dead and bring back a group of zombies and a witch. Being a TV movie, this isn’t a big budget horror movie. This wasn’t directed by John Landis. If it was, the movie would have been a hell of a lot better. Not saying this movie sucked but if they got him to direct this movie, who knows how much better and scarier it could have been. The movie was directed by Jack Bender. I am not familiar with the name but after this movie, he has gone on to do some steady work. He directed episodes of Lost, Alias, and The Sopranos.  Needless to say, this movie was what started his career (At least I think so). Aside from the director, the movie had a large cast of well-known people from the 80′s and some are still around today. LeVar Burton, Shari Belafonte, Peter DeLuise, Dick Van Patten, and Kevin McCarthy are just some of the names.

The high school kids (Mitch, Vinny, Mary, Phil, Melissa) are readying themselves for a big Halloween party. To create the perfect costumes, they break into the towns historical society and steal the actual outfits worn by their ancestors and a large chest. This isn’t just your ordinary chest. This chest contains a scroll. On this scroll is an ancient curse. To make the night even more exciting, they swing by the local cemetery and recite the curse. No harm, right? Wrong! As the group leaves to make it to the party, the tombstones shake, rattle and roll. In  a matter of minutes, the graveyard is crawling with the undead. We don’t just have zombies. We have Lucinda Cavender, a werewolf(?), a serial killer named Vernon Nestor, a sexy cheerleader, and a midget. They are all coming back to tear this town apart.

The town begins to panic and calls start coming in to the local sheriff department. At the time, he was no one in particular. But upon more viewings, I discovers that the sheriff is no other than Eric Forman’s dad on “That 70′s Show”. We don’t see many of the town people get torn apart or transformed into zombies. It would have been nice but again, this wasn’t a big budget blockbuster. The real action takes place all at the Halloween party. The ghouls have crashed it. Being a costume party, everyone is clueless as to who and what they really are.

courtesy of badmovies.org

I hate to criticize this movie but one thing never really worked for me. We have a witch coming back from the dead but she’s a vampire now? Please explain to me hoe Lucinda is a witch but she returns as a vampire? I never fully understood that. I wish I could get an honest answer to that one. It boggles the mind. Oh, well. Just one of those things we’ll never get answered. Moving on…

The below video is a musical number towards the end of the film. It’s obvious that just by watching it and the time it came out, they were leeching off the critically acclaimed, Thriller. That was scary and the below video is the complete opposite of anything scary.

The movie is currently out of print but if you’re willing to pay a hefty price, go buy it from someone on Ebay or Amazon.  You won’t regret it. It’s a great movie to watching during the Halloween season. Click the link(shameless plug) to read about Mr. Boogedy, another classic made for TV horror movie. The Midnight Hour is a made for TV movie so you’re aren’t going to see big budget effects or a musical score by John Williams. What you will find is a movie filled with cheesy dialogue and some of the greatest songs from the 50′s and 60′s. Check out the flick and get some popcorn ready. Ignore the cheesy dialogue and the predictability and prepare to ‘Get Dead’!

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Music Review: Reali+ivi+y

by pitweston Posted on April 3, 2012

I saw a link to this CD on twitter. I clicked the link and took a listen. I wasn’t sure what I would expect from a CD with no label. It’s a new era and dropping a folder of your CD on filesharing sites is the new way to go. It may not get you tons of recognition or fame but hopefully whoever does download it, will tell their friends and a chain reaction of curious listeners will follow suit. Sooner or later, your mix tape will be in the hands of some famed rapper and an east coast/west coast war will start all because you released a mix tape on twitter. Don’t release mix tapes on twitter. That’s how Biggie died. Do you want to be known as the guy that killed Biggie and/or people like him?

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The title of the CD is, Realitivity. Just replace the ‘t’ with a plus sign. I guess it adds (pun intended) some hip effect to the name. The name of the CD isn’t important. The real heart and soul lies within each track of, JGray’s feature album, Reali+ivi+ty. If you are interested in the CD, click the link here to download it. It’s free and if you’re into rap and kids who drop some, pretty sickening beats, grab it.

This is my first review of a CD. Why did I pick this CD? I don’t know. I am not a listener to the hip-hop and rap genre. I’ve listened to rap. I won’t say I hate it. It’s just not my thing. I am too white. I’m probably more white than JGray. But I will give everything a listen. I was on twitter and I saw the link and clicked it. It’s strange to see a white-ass, ginger boy rapping not about bitches and money, but to hear rap about the real problems of 19 year kid. What kind of problems do 19-year-old kids have? None really, unless you consider cramming for a test, breaking curfew, or cursing your little brother for eating the last hot pocket. That’s some deep stuff right there.

JGray is a 19-year-old kid from Missouri. He’s gonna be (well, he’s trying) the next Tech N9ne and if that doesn’t work, he can always aspire to be the next Rick Astley. We all need goals, even if those goals are unreachable or just in arm’s length. I’ve had a few days to listen to this album. I actually listened to it. It was this or jamming to One Direction repeatedly but there is only so many times I can hear prepubescent boys tell me I am beautiful.

Back to JGray’s debut album. I am not going to say this CD is downright awful. It’s mediocre. Mediocre is a nice way of saying, ‘it’s crap’. Rather than spitting rhymes in his parent’s basement, he spent some time in the recording studio creating something he can be proud of. I am sure if his parents could, they would put it on the fridge and place it next to his macaroni kitty he made at Scout Camp. I don’t want to be too hard on this kid. I should give the soulless ginger credit for doing this. I can’t sing and can’t rhyme for nothing. While he may be seeing himself like this,

I am actually hearing something like this.

Not only is he a ginger with no soul, he’s also a ginger with no talent. (I’m just kidding. I just wanted to say that cause it’s funny.) My biggest issue with the CD is not the lyrics but the beats behind them. Did he scour Garage Band’s library for them? If I didnt know any better, I would probably guess he stole the beats from Rappy McRapperson. I bet if he were to change the beats to ones that actually matched what he was muttering, it may give the song a little more pep and I wouldn’t have to drill numerous q-tips into my ear to stop what could be compared to the sound of  a banshee’s wail.

Starting off the CD, JGray introduces himself.

 I know I’m f**king white. I know I’m f**king right. By the end of the song, you’ll know that I’m f**king tight. Cause the era of swag is over. It’s f**king done. Now it’s time for JGray to blacken the sun.

Damn, Speak and Spell. Effin’ language. Damn, you white people are trippin’. It’s so nice to see that the youth of today is full of such anger and lacking on vocabulary. If you are curious, we do get a remix of his introduction track. I assume it’s in case you didn’t catch in during the first track, you have the remix to refresh your memory. There are other tracks where he reminds of us his name. Before the song is over you will know his name. Maybe it’s cause he knows before the CD is over we will all question, ‘who the hell am I listening to again?’

Skipping around some, I did find his Illiteration track to be pretty creative and it’s the second best one of the tolerable track on the CD. Listen to it below.

Maybe he tricked me. Maybe he just pulled out a thesaurus and picked words that sounded nifty. You know, words that all the cool kids are using these days. I’m normally quick on picking up things but I didn’t catch the A to Z rap till about the letter N.  Can’t say it’s a great track but I like it. Why? I’m a sucker for people who crave for the demise of Kris Kringle.

If you’re wondering what my favorite track is, it’s Shadow. I like the whole Rocky series and that speech was always one of my favorite. Kudos to this soulless bastard. We may not share the same taste in music but we do have some common ground when it comes to movies. Have you seen Se7en? 

I am confused by track 6, Sold My Soul. The artist is a ginger and that automatically makes him an effin’ liar. During this track, you’re going around telling us some ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’ story and how you bought a cow to sell your soul. WTF you smoking? The cow is fine. Even the shit about the man in the hat is cool with me. But you crossed the line when you exclaimed at the end of the song that  ‘you sold your soul to the devil.’  That can’t happen. You can’t sell something you don’t have. Everyone knows gingers don’t have souls. Kids these days like honesty in music. Millions of women around the world know and feel the pain Adele is singing about. They’ve all been scorned by some dickish boyfriend in the past. As for Joel, you cannot sing about selling your soul when you don’t have one. Ginger’s of the world will not stand for your blasphemy  and they will do whatever it is gingers do when they agree on something. Ginger’s unite!

There are numerous tracks that aren’t tracks at all. It’s almost as if he had to meet some quota on how many tracks he needs to drop a CD. I won’t mention those tracks since I really can’t call them tracks at all. One track does irk me. When I listen to ‘We the People’, it is reminiscent of Eminem’s ‘White America’. I like Eminem. I don’t know why. Maybe I think he’s a very talented lyricist.Was he JGray’s inspiration? Cause the moment I heard We the People, the first thing I thought of was Eminem’s track. Don’t take that as a compliment. Just the purpose of the song being, “I am angry. I don’t like the government. Obama is a shitty president.’  is to me, a way for rappers to connect with their listeners and feed them crap that Fox News already does. Turn off Fox News and watch Colbert or Jon Stewert. I know my voice won’t get heard. I just wish rappers would stop with their anti-american, political statements.  All rappers need a political song to express their feelings toward how the country is turning out. Let me guess. I bet JGray would vote for Ron Paul if he could.

A number of the tracks serve no purpose. Was it his intent to rehash what rap CD’s are like today? A few tracks that are songs and the rest are just movie sound clips and remixes? I am not telling people they shouldn’t listen to this album. I am not telling people this guy is lacking talent. Give it some time and a little more time working on the music, he might one day have a CD well worth listening to and sharing with friends and eventually JGray could be on the same level as these kids below. That’s fucking swag. Word to the snapbacks.

Download Reali+ivi+y here. JGray will be as giddy as a school girl at a Bieber concert. I should let it be known that this review is just me talking out my ace. I was bored. I had some drinks. I wrote this prize piece of literature.

Update (04/04/2012): Here is a link to another site to instantly listen to the CD.

Click here.

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Quitting Smoking: 3 Months

by pitweston Posted on April 2, 2012

I decided that I was going to quit smoking. I’ve tried it before but it failed. I went back to smoking and figured I would never attempt to quit again. The first time I quit was for 6 months. I was hoping for a healthier life. It was great knowing that I was kicking a habit that is nasty and bad for you. Actually, bad is a horrible word choice. It’s the worse kind of thing you can do to your body.  But when life hands you a curve ball and things just build up, like stress or personal issue, you turn to something to ease and relieve all that. I went back to smoking and once I took that first puff, I threw away 6 months of work for what? Those 5 minutes of smoking may have calmed me for the time being but never really solved anything. That was about 2 years ago when I tried to kick the habit. It failed miserably. It is 2 years later and this time I am going for a life record. I am quitting for good and I will not look back. Time for a healthier life.

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Back in January, I said I was going to stop smoking. I quit on the 2nd of January. It could have been the first but I still had cigarettes left and I wasn’t about to toss them. I was still a smoker on the first and I wasn’t going to start then. I wasn’t going to waste that crap. I smoked my last cigarette that night.

Do you still get urges?

At times. I may be drinking or maybe I am just sitting around the house doing nothing. I know I don’t have any so there is no point. I don’t want to go to the store cause once I smoke a cigarette, I’ll be back to being  smoker. I am not saying I will start up and smoke constantly. I am saying that smoking just one cigarette will void it all and telling people that I am not a smoker will be a ruse.  I won’t have it. I said I will stop and I will. Plus, here’s two good reasons to quit smoking.

What did you do to quit?

Will power. I went cold turkey. I didn’t use medicine. I didn’t apply a patch or do tricks to smoke less and less till there were none left. I had a pack in the house and said, this is my last pack. It was. I smoked the last cigarette and went to bed. When I stopped the first time, I went cold turkey. I am trying it again and hopefully this time, my will won’t be as weak as it once was. It wasn’t easy and still isn’t. I had to chew gum and suck on candy. I did anything to occupy myself while driving (driving was the worst)so I wouldn’t think about pulling over to buy a pack. It worked. After a while, I weened off the candy and gum and now, I don’t need either of them. I drive to and from without any second thought of lighting up.

Come on, don’t lie. You smoke when no one is looking.

Nope. I said  I was done and I meant it. As I said earlier, I do get the occasional urge to smoke one. But after a few seconds, the urge is gone. I am not saying I am perfect or that my plan of quitting is better than yours, I am just sharing with people my journey into being smoke free for life. Never said quitting was easy. It’s hard. I know. This is my second attempt and hopefully my last.

The first month mark hit and I was still smoke free. With no more smoking, I was breathing better. I wasn’t feeling tired in the morning anymore. With all that, I took it upon myself to start running. I like running. I couldn’t run and smoke at the same time. That would defeat the purpose of running. Isn’t running to be in shape? To be healthy? I remember when I went to play soccer with some friends and not too far into the game, I was winded, tired, and ready to die. Smoking took a toll on me. Smoking and playing sports is not wise. Don’t do both. I ran my first race and was proud of it. I would have never ran if I still smoked.

It is now 3 months later. I am still proud to say I am smoke free. I haven’t lit up a smoke since the last one on January 2nd. I know there a lot of people rooting my on and I want to thank you for doing it. I know people who’ve quit and still smoke free. That’s awesome! I am rooting for you too. If you look at the photo, you can see how much money I have saved so far from not smoking. It’s not exact but roughly the amount of money I spent on cigarettes. I am sure it is a lot more than that but it’ll make do. I am going to put that amount of money away and save it for something nice. I need to treat myself to something.

I will let you all know when I hit 6 months. I’ll let you know if I am still smoke free or if I went back to my old habits. I have to make it over 6 months to beat my last attempt at quitting. I hope that during that time, I will lose all urges to smoke. As long as I have those urges, there is still that chance that I may go back to my old ways. I don’t want that. I don’t want to go back to smoking. I am happy that I am done with that habit. If you quit, congrats! If you are trying to quit, congrats and good luck. And if you still smoke, so be it. I will not force it on you. You’ll quit when you want. You’ll know when it’s time.

Are You Planning On Quitting?

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Own A Piece Of Gambling History

by pitweston Posted on April 1, 2012

The biggest jackpot ever was won by three different people. The lucky three will walk away with 213 million dollars after taxes. I bet you wish you were one of those lucky 3 people. But with millions of other people still penniless and sadden by their lost, I am going to do what I can to make a quick buck off of their sorrow and pain.

 

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If your numbers weren’t,

2 4 23 38 46 23

then you are like me. You lost. How many of you tossed that ticket away after the number called didn’t match yours? I bet all of you did. I bet you all tossed that losing ticket and swore that you will never play the lottery again. You will. You’ll play again when the jackpot reaches a cool 640 million again. I am offering my losing ticket to the highest bidder. I spent 2 dollars on the ticket and made zero profit on it. But now I will take advantage of people’s gullibility and bank after I sell my losing ticket.

Below is a photo of the ticket that could be your if you offer the right price. Do you want to own a piece of history? Do you want to own a losing ticket to what was the biggest can prize in the mega millions lottery? Give it a shot and the below ticket could be yours to show your friends and family. You lost the 640 million but you can bid to own a reminder of not winning 640 million.

Bidding starts at $2.00. Please leave a reply with your bid and a contact email.

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