I’ve never seen ‘Harry Potter’ but I am sure it is something like this…

I have yet to watch this movie. I have yet to read the books. I could take the plunge and crack open one of the books and enjoy the series but I rather not. It’s not that I don’t like reading. I do. I just don’t care to read this series. I have no interest in Harry Potter and the other members of the Hogwarts. I have only seen the trailers to the movies. I have no idea what the movie and books are about. I am going to take a stab at the books and tell you what I think the books are about. This is from a person who has never seen the movies and a guy who has never read the books.






I’ve never seen Harry Potter but I think it goes something like this…

Harry lives in this house with some douchey people. They are mean to Harry. Harry is all upset because he doesn’t know his real mom and dad. One day, a flying car picks Harry up. It’s driven by some giant dude named, Haggard. He keeps calling Harry a wizard. The douches try to stop Harry from leaving but they fail. Haggard takes Harry across the city to the train depot. There, he meets Ron Weasley and Hermonie, or however you spell her name. They ride the train to Hogwarts. Harry, Ron, and Hermonie are like total BFF’s now.

They arrive to the school. There is a lady there who is the principal. She is that chick from Downton Abbey. She turns into a cat alot. She is kind of a bitch because Harry and his BFF’s get into all sorts of trouble. Harry meets a kid with bleach blond hair named Draco. He is a prick who hates Harry cause Harry is like totally cool with the ladies and all the guys there think he is really cool and stuff. He wants to beat up Harry and use magic on him but he isn’t very good at it. He vows to one day be super powerful and kill Harry and then he can become really cool with the guys and hopefully stick it to Hermonie.


He wants to stick to it Hermonie

Harry and his friends study in school but being kids, they sneak out a lot and go to places in the school they shouldn’t. They find some book that is really powerful and Harry is mesmerized by it. Ron is just there, being a douche about it but Hermonie is the voice of reason and tells Harry to leave the book alone. He reads from the book and some dogs with two heads come out and scare them. Lucky for them, Dumbledorf is there to stop the dogs from killing them. After that night, Harry promises to be good and is taken under Dumbledorf’s wing to learn about magic and become a powerful wizard.

They play some game of cricket on brooms and Harry is a superstar in the game. I think Edward Cullen from, Twilight shows up but he’s too busy being mopey and all vampirey to really do anything but piss off Harry and be angry about not being in such of a successful movie and book franchise and Harry is. Isn’t there like two fractions at the school? I think Draco is on the bad team cause he has bleached blond hair and is still pissy cause Harry is way cooler than him. Plus, he talks to Snape, the dude with the emo hair and they form a bond that is not pedo creepy but since Snape never had a son, he treats Draco as his son and vows to make him awesome and do a better job at training and loving him, more than his father did for him.

With Harry being smart and all magical and crap, he gets in trouble and again, is proned to the disastrous effects of magic and a giant snake that almost eats them all. Hermonie uses magic and saves them. Now Ron, the ginger kid, is all googly for her and this sort of puts a beef between him and Harry.

Harry befriends a small midget, looking dude with big eyes. It looks like a shaved dog on its hind legs. He is the guardian of something that is way too powerful for Harry to learn. But some dude with no nose, knows this magic and tricks Harry into becoming his apprentice so they can learn this magic. Dumbledorf learns about this and tells Harry to stop and not listen to the no nose guy. They fight. They kill no nose guy. Harry is happy. Dumbledorf is too. But Snape, the emo dude, kills Dumbledorf and Harry cries.

Snape Kills Dumbledorf.

He wants to kill Snape now. They fight. Draco fights Harry too. They duke it out but Harry uses his magic and Draco and he runs away, whining about being a sore loser and knows that he’ll never be cool like Harry. There is a flying car and Ron becomes a bad ass, more bad ass than Harry and Hermonie loves it. She tells Harry to eff off and goes to smooch Ron and they get all friendly. Harry, upset over losing Hermonie, bangs Ron’s sister and some twins watch from afar.

Oh, and Tim Burton’s wife is in it. She is all crazy.

Harry wins. They all hug and cry about being friends and get lost in the woods.


I don’t know how right I am. I know nothing about the movie or the books. I’ll never watch them. I think my version is better.


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