Have You Ever Seen: Mutants

After I wasted a night away watching ThanksKilling, I swore to never watch a movie like that again. While fetching my sister from work one day, a gentleman she works with approach me with tons of enthusiasm. He heard about me watching the killer turkey movie. Not sure if he is really interested in watching it or not. I explained to him and to many others that it is a movie to avoid. He geared me towards another Oscar worthy movie. He said it was bad. Not just bad but bad. He could have said horrendous. I am still debating on which of these movies takes the honor of being the worst. It is a toss-up between killer mutants or a killer turkey. I like the monster flicks. I don’t watch SyFy religiously like my brother does but I am not one to turn down a good ole fashion creature/zombie movie. I grabbed the flick and was eager to lay my eyes upon this movie. It has Michael Ironside in it! He’s in everything. With a title called Mutants it has to be good, right?


Wrong. You may be wondering how are these mutants coming about? What made them mutants? This is where it gets complicated. We have a mad scientist who was hired by Braylon. Braylon hired Sergei to create a super alternative to sugar that is super addicting. Forget coke. Put the pipe down. Those drugs don’t compare to what Sergei and Braylon are concocting behind the walls of the Just Rite Sugar Company. I am not effin’ with you. These people become mutants because of sugar. There is only one person I know who can take something so simple and turn it in to something scary. That person being, Stephen King. Sergei uses lowlife scum to test the sugar on. Braylon’s hired thugs kidnap druggies, whores, and homeless people. These are people no one will miss. During a kidnapping mission, they get their hands on a kid named Ryan. For some reason, Ryan felt it would be fun to take photos of the local hookers. Ryan turns out to be the brother of Erin. Erin works for Braylon. Their father, Griff also works at the Just Rite Sugar Company. After Erin in contacted by a mysterious person named, Cinderella, they team up to rescue Ryan before he suffers the same fate as the others.

Yes. The movie is about people who becomes mutants because of sugar. The money hungry Braylon hires an evil scientist named Sergei to help create a sugar that is so addictive, people will eat it like it’s…erm candy? The sugar does strange things to these people. It either makes them into crazed sugar junkies who act much like the zombie like creatures in, 28 Days Later or infects them Mutantswith a rash that eventually will spread and make them into the mutants.

Before I go on, I think we need to discuss something very important about this movie. It isn’t anything like it says it is. Take a look at the DVD cover for the movie and notice what the actual title of the movie is called. The title is clearly called, “Mutants“.That should give you and everyone else the giddiness I had when I was told about it. Mutants has an -s at the end of it. I may not be the most edumacated person alive but I know that when you add an -s to any word, it makes it plural. Plural means, more than one. It means we should see multiple mutants running around and eating the flesh of people.

No. We do not see plural mutants. We hardly even see singular mutant. They aren’t totally pulling a fast one on us. There is a mutant in the movie. It just doesn’t do anything. It is locked away in a cell. It’s there to not cause harm to people and not let this movie be something that could have been fantastic. Braylon is walking two interested clients around his abandoned warehouse. This warehouse is home to all the test subjects. I think they have had 250 test subjects. That’s a lot of testing. Not to mention, a lot of junkies, whores, and homeless people. At least the streets are 250 people cleaner. Braylon opens the door to the test subjects room. Finally! A real mutant. Not some lame run of the mill sugar junkie. What does the mutant do?

  • a. Attack Braylon?
  • b. Scream and give us viewers a fright?
  • c. Feast on some poor soul?
  • d. None of the above?

If you answered ‘d’, then you are absolutely correct. The damn mutant does nothing but sit there on a bench. From the way it was on the bench, it looked as if it was posing for Maxim magazine. He shuts the door and leads the two men to the next cell. How is that for a cheap shot? For a movie with a plural title, you would half expect to see gaggles of mutants. I wanted to see these things run around and eat people. I wanted carnage! I wanted to see that razor toothed monster they show with pride on the DVD cover. None of that. It was a man in a rubber suit sitting on a bench, getting his 10 seconds of screen time.

We may not have gotten the bad ass looking mutants they show us on the cover but we did get to see sugar crazed zombies running around throughout the movie. I still feel bad when I call them zombies. I don’t think they can actually be considered zombie. They aren’t dead. They are just hopped up on serious s**t. Whatever this strand of sugar substitute they created, it makes all those energy drinks look like water. I am not one to complain about zombies. I love zombie movies. One of my favorite genres. But I don’t know how else I can describe them. I recently watched (or at least caught the tail end) a movie titled, Black Swarm. In this SyFy classic, wasps are the cause of making people into zombie-like creatures. Hollywood has some odd fascination with the mundane things making people into zombies. We have monkeys, trees, sugar, and also wasps. The zombie creatures in “Black Swarm“, didn’t move like the zombies in Zack Snyder’s remake of Dawn of the Dead. Those were fast-moving zombies. The wasps zombie moved slowly. The shuffled. Shuffling is an art form. Just ask “The Fridge”, Walter Payton, and Jim McMahon. Those boys know how to shuffle. I prefer the slow-moving zombies over the fast ones. I guess there is something about the undead shuffling that is unsettling. If I was to ever come across a horde of zombies, it really wouldn’t matter what stamina they have. Either way, zombies are effin’ scary.

Mutants are not. With the masquerade of the fake title and non-existent mutants, we are treated to some very mild action and suspense. The scenes aren’t scary and in no way did they make me close my eyes in horror or put me on the edge of my seat. A few of these sugar zombies were loose in a grassy field. Good thing the SWAT looking people were there to take them down. When I say ‘them’, I mean it. They were there to take one sugar zombie down. It was nice to see a the zombie get his head blown off. It wasn’t off camera. It was right in your face. I guess the director of the movie was all,

Since were not going to show any real mutants, let’s show a zombie getting his head blown off. That’ll make up for the crappy movie we’re shooting.

You have to admit that is a pretty nice shot. But that still doesn’t make up for NOT HAVING MUTANTS in the movie. I was really hoping for an attack on the town or the sugar factory. Let these sugar creatures loose and start devouring people. I wanted to see the general store guy get eaten. I wanted to see doctors fight off the creatures they created. None of that. Someone did get attacked by the sugar zombies. But do we see anything? No. It’s off camera. I guess the head shot put a whole in their pocket and they ran out of money. Maybe next time, leave out the head shot and pay for more guys in the rubber mutant suits. After some security breach in the factory, the cell doors are all opened. The warehouse goes on lock down. There is no way in and no way out. Those left inside are now forced to deal with these mutants sugar zombies. Griff and his two kids can’t fight them all alone. They need help. But who do you call for a problem like this?

You bring in Michael Ironside! His name is on the DVD cover. Don’t eff with me like you did with the mutants. I better see Ironside in this movie. Well, we do. At least for the last ten minutes or so. I don’t want to make it sound like he’s only in it at the end. He does have a brief scene in the beginning but it’s really not worth mentioning. He’s riding in a van. That’s not action. I want to see him kick mutant ass. He kicked alien ass in V. He better kick some sugar zombie ass. Ironside and his merry man play duck hunt inside the warehouse, killing all the sugar zombies inside. There are a lot of them. If memory serves me right, I believe they said they had over 250 test subjects. That’s a lot of testing. Wouldn’t they have finally called it quits after maybe the twentieth try?

After sitting through about 75 minutes of people talking about sugar, we finally dive in to some serious action. The action isn’t Die Hard style action but for a movie with a budget of 20 bucks, it’s action nonetheless. Within the last ten minutes, we see two guys shot point-blank, a high-speed chase, the warehouse blow up, and Braylon gets him comeuppance. Even poor Sergei didn’t get out to see the outcome of his mad scientist skills. But with the factory being destroyed, you have to wonder. Did they put an end to the global epidemic? Are we all doomed to savor the taste of the zombie sugar?

If you caught “ThanksKilling“, you know how bad the acting was in that movie. This movie might be just as bad. Maybe, even worse. We have a mad scientist and a greedy businessman wanting to make this crazy addictive sugar and ship it out all over the world. The sugar is tainted with crap to make people sugar zombies. You’d think the people would have some sense of urgency to put an end to it. No one seems to worried about it. I mean, the movie is being hailed as (coming from the DVD cover isn’t a very reliable source),

28 Days Later Meet the Apocalyptic I Am Legend

That right there should ring some alarms. But no one is worried. Even the dad, Griff doesn’t seem to worried about his son who has gone missing. My family made a home movie and it has better acting than this garbage. Even the crack whore, Flower couldn’t save this movie. She couldn’t even make this blossom into something great. There are some movies that should be made. There are some movies that shouldn’t be made. Some movies shouldn’t even be put down on paper. What the writer thought as he was writing this and writing the lines, is beyond me. This movie should have ended well before the director first called, “action!” It’s hard to put a movie like this down. I am all for shitty horror movies. I like to relax after a long day and be entertained with a poorly, put together piece of cinema. This and the killer turkey movie did nothing. Even the crappy movies I have watched, they gave me some joy. This brought me nothing. It brought no joy to me and it surely didn’t bring any joy to Mudville. The mighty Mutants have struck out.

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I like food. I like the smell of cinnamon.

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