The Most Qualified Man Alive

I am well-educated in many fields. I can do it all and like Annie Oakley, I can do it better than you, you, and you. Will I be the best? No. I am not arrogant. I might talk a big game but I know I am not the great, powerful, and all-knowing. We’ll leave that to the Wizard of Oz. There will always be someone who is better at something than me and better than you are. That statement is not really true.  It gets me thinking about the other old saying,

“There is always someone worse off than you.”

What about if you are the last person? There has to be someone who is the last on the list. They must feel horrible. I would never want to be her. I’d say him but that would mean the most worse off person is a man and that my friend is laughable. If someone is going to be the worst off person in the world, it will be a woman. I am not sexist, ladies. I am just honest and that’s not because we are all created equal and it’s not because my mom raised me that way. It is because I am man and man is never wrong. We were wrong once when we gave you the power to vote. We are sorry about that and we are still beating ourselves up over that.

Let me quit degrading women for a second and explain to you why I would be perfect for your company. At the moment I am not looking for a job. I am just preparing myself when the wrong guy gets in office. Plus, when the zombie apocalypse happens, I need to be ready for anything. I’ve talked about the zombie apocalypse before but I will talk more about it in a later post. Right now I need to talk about work and how I am the most qualified person for the job you need filled. First off, I am not quitting my job. I like my job. I like the people (some) I work with. I like what I do. I am just making sure that if I ever get the boot or decide to hightail it out of the world of retail, I will have a place to turn to. I want you, the reader to know that I am highly qualified in many areas and if you need someone to fill an empty desk at your nine to five job, I am that guy. I have the knowledge and the power! I should correct myself about what I just said. I am not qualified in every field there is. I cannot be a mechanic. I know nothing about cars. They got wheels, an engine, and it runs on very expensive gasoline (Thanks, Obama!) When you put the key in the doohickey, it gets you from point A to point B. I took the ASVAB test a while ago. I scored well in every area but if you need the wiper fluid for you car filled, better find someone else. I am not that guy. See? I am human. I make mistkaes too.

Okay. Now that I have gotten that off my chest and proved to you that I am human, I will further explain to you why I am the best man for the job. If you are the head CEO of your company and you are reading this, please write my name down and send me an e-vite or find me on twitter. I will send you my highly, decorated resume. I have skills. I have knowledge and the know how to turn your measly hole in the wall business into a fortune 500 company. I am not one to brag but one summer I took a “side of the road” business and while it made basically pocket change, I took it under my wing and within a few short days, I was stuffing my wallet with bills upon bills. That is one perk you’ll get if you hire me and add me to your payroll. It may be an issue for small business and maybe if you’re a cheap CEO but I don’t come cheap. I am worth a pretty penny. If you cannot afford me, then maybe we can work out a payment plan. I don’t want your business to suffer and I don’t want to suffer myself either. You need me and I need money. We’ll work something out. I promise. That is what I am here for. I am a problem solver. I am multi-talented. I would love to work for more than one person/company but I cannot. You are wrong if you think the reason is because I cannot handle it. I can. I can handle the job of 10 men (20 if it’s a woman’s job). My concern is conflict of interest. If I ended up working at Facebook, I can’t also work at Google+. Not because it be a conflict but because I am not going to work for a place that only 3 people actually use. Then again, Facebook would be a bad choice too. I sort of want to punch Zuck in his smug little face. I like to punch people. I like to threaten that I will punch people. I have a dark side and when I get all riled up, my tiny fingers form a knuckle sandwich and I will bust your chin and toss in a side of fries.

It probably wasn’t wise for me to mention that but I should let it be known that I may have a slight anger issue. I always feel the need to punch people in the face. I will never kick a man in the groin. I will never slap a woman.  I will never push someone down the stairs or kick them while they are down. I just like to punch people in the face. It’s one of my many hobbies and if you are a manager needing a personal cage fighter, I am the man for the job. My only stipulation is that I only punch people in the face. I can take on Brock Lesnar under an agreement he can’t hit me and I get free shot after free shot. I would fight Tyson but he bites and I’ve walked that darken path before. I was young and naive. I was harassed by a large brute who was not aware of my skills and inhibitions of being a biter. I went at him like a snapping turtle and when the blood dripped from my incisors,  I got called to the principal’s office and bawled my eyes out to the nun. That quickly ended my Donner part reenactments and killed my curiosity about the taste of human flesh. My face punching skills don’t only lock me into being a pro cage fighter. I can be a bodyguard or a bouncer. If you need some protecting or maybe you mistakenly put a hit out on someone, I am the man for the job. But just to be clear on something. I will not kill, maim, stab, kick, bite, lick, or slap. I only punch people in the face. Don’t worry if you forget that information. It is mentioned in my resume and also in the 30 page contract you will need to sign before you hire me on.

How does this all sound to you? Am I the great employee you are looking for? If the answer is ‘no’ then you’re wrong. I am the person you’re looking for. I am not some off the street person who pretends to know what is going on. I know my s**t. I can run circles around a majority of your staff and I know that I can run circles around you, the head honcho in charge. Don’t roll your eyes and don’t you dare click the x and exit this page. You know very well that you can’t do the job you did when you first started. All those years of sitting behind a desk playing minesweeper and pretending to look busy has made you weak and less of a man. I will gladly take the workload off your staff. Do me a favor and fire some of your lackluster employees. You won’t need them when I get there. They can spend their in between jobs time sitting at in their homes looking on Monster.com for a job more their speed, like a side of the highway tamale salesman. You won’t be sorry if you rid yourself of those burdens. Those people will not be needed when I get hired on. Have them down anything for you? What promises have they made and failed on? I am sure it is more than you count. If you hire me you’ll be on Forbes magazine before the year is over. That is my guarantee. I promise you that I will bring your craptastic company out of the mud and put you in the same boat as great businessmen like, Trump, Jobs, and that little tramp Susie with her delicious lemonade. If I don’t hold up my promise, you can have the honors of shaking my hand.

I am the man for the job. I am highly skilled in jobs you cannot even imagine. I am punctual (unless I get smashed the night before) and I always give 110%. Anymore than that and I will have to charge you a fee for each percentage I give after 110. The standard fee for giving a greater extra effort is mentioned in my 30 page contract. Think about it. I am giving you 10% more than the normal employee. They walk in and brag about how they give 100%. That there isn’t company material. I am already above the standard percentage rate. That is a gold star by my name and really the selling point during my interview. Hire someone with 100%. See if I care. It won’t matter to me when your company folds. I told you that I give 110%. It’s the contract. Under section 37B of the contract,  it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if – and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy – “I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained,” et cetera, et cetera…”Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum,” et cetera, et cetera…”Memo bis punitor delicatum!” It’s all there, black and white, clear as crystal!  I am not going to flaunt my stuff about. Besides the 110% and the skills in all but one field, what else can I say to persuade you into bringing me on board? Umm… I’m a great worker and not a brown-noser. I don’t smoke so I won’t be sneaking outside for cigarette breaks. I don’t have a wife or kids (that I know of). That is a plus. I won’t need to see little Billy beat some punk in soccer and a wife won’t be nagging me to leave work early for silly events like anniversaries and birthdays. I am a single guy. I have nothing holding me back. If I need to relocate somewhere, I will do that. I would prefer not moving to Kansas because that’s not a real state. Even Montana has more credibility than Kansas.

I hope that I made an impression on you and this will put me at the top of the list for new and potential hires. My great knowledge is ready to help. I want to make your company grow and prosper. I want to be part of something that will make it rain on me all the time. I like money and I want coins dropping on my like a hailstorm of magical currency. I hope to hear from you soon and I hope that I can soon call you boss. Hire me and you won’t be disappointed. I’ll make spreadsheets and I’ll get your coffee and dry cleaning. Just please don’t ask me to change your tire or change the oil. That is not in my field of expertise.

Thank you. My resume is attached below.

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pitweston

I like food. I like the smell of cinnamon.

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