Guest Blogger: Life Can Be Irritating.

The views expressed in the below post are not the words of the owner and main contributor to this site. Read with caution or read with an opened mind. If you would like to ever contribute to this site, send me an email. I’d love to hear your thoughts about anything. Aside from that, here is a list of things that irritate the guest poster.

  • People who can’t be troubled to put down their cell phones to tell me what they want. Granted I work a menial job, and as such deserve no solicitude.
  • People who can’t make a simple fucking decision over something as vital as what to eat for dinner. Guess what you self-absorbed ass hats: There’ll be another meal in the morning. And at noon. And if you’re really lucky, and the stars align just right – still another chance to eat tomorrow evening. If you don’t like what you get tonight, oh well. Just look at it this way, at least you saved one of the millions of starving children in the world the misery of a mediocre dinner.
  • Lazy people who keep their jobs by inserting their heads so far up the boss’s ass they can taste everything their boss eats. As it’s being chewed. -You know who you are.
  • Stupid people. Odds are you don’t know who you are. More on this to come. (Nauseatingly more, I’m sure.) *special sub-category for people who don’t understand when someone employs a comedic technique called self-depreciation.*
  • Sleep aids that cause insomnia. Listen, drug manufacturers: I appreciate irony as much as the next guy, but that’s just prickish.
  • People who won’t bust their kid’s asses. Now, I’m not advocating abuse. (At least not in most cases.) But, sometimes your screaming little hell spawn needs their ass crack knocked sideways. When I was a kid we didn’t have attention deficit disorder. We didn’t have oppositional defiant disorder. We didn’t have ten thousand these touchy feely labels and conditions. We had three kinds of kids. Retards, assholes, and kids who got spanked enough to know how to fake humanity.
  • Parents who think that misspelling their child’s name will somehow stand them out or make them cool. No. It won’t. All it shows is that you’re an asshole.
  • People who start shit and get upset when they get it. You come at me wanting to trade insults. Fine. Bring your a-game. But don’t cry if you lose.

Let’s revisit the stupid people. I work with a guy who’s well… special. He’s not mentally challenged. (I wouldn’t mock that. I admit I’m a jerk, but even I have limits.) Now, he has a man’s name, but everyone calls him by a chick’s name. In the interest of avoiding a lawsuit we’ll call him “Shirley”. Now Shirley means well. He tries to be a nice guy. Most of the time. But he likes to start shit. He can’t make a good yo mamma joke. And he can’t handle the phrase “that’s what she said.” Not in the sense that it makes him insanely angry. No, he says it himself all the time. All the time. No, I mean it in the sense that he can’t handle the awesome power of the phrase. He applies it willy-nilly at all times, except when it works. He hasn’t gotten it right yet. Not one fucking time!

I’ve tried to help him. I really have. But, have you ever tried to explain the concept of a double-entendre to an idiot? It’s like trying to get a horse to use silverware.

 

Now for a list of things I like.

  • Babies
  • Nice cars
  • Laughing at stupid people
  • Sports.
  • Boobies
  • Guns
  • Snide comments and sarcasm (when used playfully)

See, I’m not all negative.
In fact I firmly believe that occasionally the world rewards people like me. Two examples: Just the other day a friend that I always tell, “I hope it burns when you pee.” called to tell me that he had drippy dick. Once I told a co-worker I hoped he saw his grandma naked. He did. Two days later. I kept asking another friend when he was gonna knock his girlfriend up. A month later he found out he had a three-year old. It was awesome! I’m totally willing to sacrifice my friends for knowledge of my (limited) Divine Powers.

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fatjoo

I'm a cynical ass. An ex-cop who went to nursing school so I could do more good, but along the way figured out that I don't like people enough to try to keep them from dying. But, I'm a lot of fun at a party, and always have a good story for ya!

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