I think I need new friends. When I say ‘new friends’ I actually mean I need friends. I don’t have friends. Like none. Seriously. I don’t have friends. Okay, I have a few. Which isn’t a bad thing because I am not a likable person. I tune people out and when a female comes to me with an issue with something, I tend to just nod say, “oh, yeah. I understand.” I don’t. I don’t understand. You women are complicated. Friendships are complicated. This is why I don’t have many friends and stick to being a
loser loner. I don’t want this to become another rules to being my wife. I think I covered mostly everything but I am sure down the road I will think of something else and I will add more fuel to the fire when I degrade women. I am going to let you decide for yourself if you are awesome enough to be my friend.
Guy at work: But I thought we are friends?
We aren’t. Look, there are friends and then there are acquaintances. Some people I hang with are from work. They don’t fall into the friend category. You’re a co-worker. If we are to be friends, you’ll need to quit work. But when you do that you become something else. You won’t be a friend. No. You’ll be an old co-worker. That’s how I will introduce you to people. Even the people I work with now aren’t friends. We’re co-workers. We might hang out outside of work but that doesn’t change the fact that the co-worker status doesn’t become friendship. We aren’t going to sporting events together to drink beer and eat burgers and brats. We aren’t going to dress down to our pajamas and have a slumber party to gossip about people. I don’t want to challenge you in a water drinking contest. Friends do that. We’re not friends. I am sorry if you were under the impression that one day we’ll be doing each others nails and hair. That will not happen. We aren’t friends. We’re co-workers. Nothing more. Nothing will change that. Even a one night stand or having sexcapades will not alter the contract. We’re co-workers. Always have been and always will be.
That was rude of me. I should give you people the chance to be my friend. Everyone needs a friend. (click link to see how to make friends) We all need someone to hang with. Maybe I am being a tad harsh on my fellow co-workers. I am sure over the course of the months or years we have worked side by side, we stopped being strangers and became friends. I have lost friends over time. Some became psycho, some became witches, and others just moved away. I should get more friends. We all need friends. I got to thinking about it and I’ll tell you what. This is my idea.
Now wait. Hold on there, Sparky! I bet you’re hoping that I am just gonna cave and invite you into my close-knit circle of friends. I can’t just give you the keys to my place and call you my BFF. This will take time. This will take planning. This will take knowledge and a simple quiz I put together. I have compiled a list of questions you need to answer. They will decided whether or not we stay or become friends. Answer the questions to the quiz and if you score above a certain percentage I will welcome you into my life and we’ll be friends…just no hugging or giving each other high fives. I don’t do that. Don’t touch me.
Being Friends. You scored %%SCORE%% out of %%TOTAL%%. Your performance has been rated as %%RATING%%
How did you do? Did you get a good score? I hope so. If you scored high enough then you and I can be friends. How awesome is that!? Friends are neat. Friends are like flowers. I know I promised you friendship and all that but I am limited on how many friends I can have. If you passed the quiz, then please fill out the form below. I will decide from there if you are worthy enough to be my friend. Remember, space is limited.