30,000 Feet And Nowhere To Go: Flight Two

I got off the plane and followed the signs to reach my gate. After weaving left and weaving right, I approached the gate. I sate down and turned my phone off airplane mode. I was pretty excited about that. I’ve never had the chance to use airplane mode until this trip. It was magical to say the least. Instantly, I received a voice mail. It was from a good friend wishing me a safe and happy trip. Even being on vacation away from work, that’s the first thing I thought of while I sat there waiting for the time to board the plane. I shot a text message to my boss. Guess all is good. They can survive without me. Hell won’t freeze over. That’s a sigh of relief.

I checked out facebook and checked out twitter. You know, the essential things we all need in life. I looked around and glared at the door to the boarding area. That’s odd. This plane isn’t going to where I need to be? Who the hell changed the gate on me? Why did no one tell me? Things like this need to be addressed. I literally sat there for a good ten minutes before I came to the realization that I am at the wrong gate. The gate was right. It matched my ticket. The destination was wrong. I grab my luggage and look for the flight information. What do you know? They moved my gate. Off I go…

I found the new gate on took a seat. I sat by an old woman who looked almost as lost as I was. A mother and son sat across from me. She too must have been confused about the gate change. I heard me mumble about how it was rude and unprofessional about not informing us (the passengers) about the change. True, I was upset too. Unlike her, I got over it. There was a man running the intercom not quite getting the concept of how the machine works. You have to hold down the button to make it work. He just talked into it and informed the people in the airport about the gate change. The woman across from me turned around and looked at him. She was thinking the same thing I was.

This guy is an idiot.

She elbowed her son and informed him about the stupidity of the man running the microphone. Not once and not even twice but three times. It took him three times to get in through his thick skull that no one passed four feet couldn’t hear him. A tiny Asian woman walked over and shoved him aside. She grabbed the microphone from him. It reminded me of an old SNL skit about a computer guy who would always scream, “move!” and then take over for the people he took as technology impaired. Just like Nick Burns, she solved his issue in seconds. Her loud voice carried throughout the airport. All would be swell if we were able to understand her. No need. I already knew where my gate was. Fewer people on board means less of a chance to die of diseases.

I take my seat. I wait for the other people to board the plane. Maybe my prayers were answered. The plane was hardly full. The flight attendants were letting people sit where ever they wanted. I got my own seat. That was nice. No one wanted to sit by me. I don’t think I smelled. If I did, I doubt I smelled that bad. I kept myself entertained on the flight with writing up some blog posts. I actually worked on my Halloween costume blog. It kept me busy. The second flight wasn’t as exciting as the first. I didn’t have a whale of a woman handing out chex mix and there wasn’t a woman gloating about this beautiful wedding she was attending. Another woman overshadowed her with something for more exciting than a lousy wedding. This lady was heading to Florida to see her sister. That’s nice. I’m seeing my brother and you’re seeing your sister. She sat there gabbing to the person next to her. I wish I was making this up but I am not. Her reason for Florida isn’t to see her sister. Granted, she is seeing her but the only reason she is going and I quote her,

I’m only going cause my sister makes the (said like ‘thee’) best tuna salad sandwiches.

Awesome. You win the ‘bi*ch of the week’ award. She was the most entertaining person on board. She even surpassed the Asian business man. He would have been just a normal person on board if he just kept all those gadgets in his pockets. I was being nosy and could see his outlook calendar. It looked like a string of Christmas lights. He must be a very important person.

I can’t say the man sitting behind me was anything but disgusting. Off and on during the beginning of the flight, I could hear him clearing his throat. That sound really just makes me hate my life. As the flight progressed, so did his coughing. It wasn’t a ‘mouth to shoulder’ cough. It was a loud, ‘open to all’ cough. He just let those germs fly. I closed my eyes and pulled my hat way down over my face. God, I need to get off this plane. Pronto! I cannot and will not deal with people who are sick around me. You’re just a disgrace to the human world. Have some manners. Don’t cough around me. I mean it. Don’t. I think that line is somewhere in the Bible. It’s basically a sin. God had 13 commandments. But 13 is an odd number and it would have been too much work to make a fourteenth commandment. So they dropped my ‘no coughing around me’ commandment and kept it at an even 12. Then again, who goes by the book for anything?

The second plane ride had its turbulence. I don’t really mean the plane was suffering from turbulence. I am referring to the other passengers being my turbulence. They may be sitting there, thinking everything is okay but it isn’t. You don’t realize that I am on board. I watch people. I listen to people and I catch the little things they say or do. It’s my gift. If you say something remotely stupid, I am going to catch it. If you’re sick and you cough and sneeze on a plane, I am going to catch it. Getting off the plane and away from these people is pure delight. If I could have, I would have bended on one knee and kissed the ground. That’s how happy I am to be away from these people. If they aren’t sick, they are just simply annoying as frack. It would have been a nice if the next two flights heading back home were normal. They weren’t. Not even the time I spent waiting at the airport were normal. Please explain to me why everyone I have encountered during this trip is off their rocker?

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I like food. I like the smell of cinnamon.

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