Don’t Touch.

During this whole work out people call mass, you have to shake hands with the person next to you. “Peace be with you.” The only peace I like, is peace and quiet. There is really no escaping the shaking hands thing. Even if the person it four pews in front of you, you have to nod. How far out to you have to go? Is there a legal limit to peace giving? If you’re in the front row, you’re lucky enough to get a “peace be with you” from the priest. What make the whole shaking hands thing awkward, is when you’re backing up on shaking hands. You’ll be shaking one persons hand and there are two other people waiting in line to shake yours.

I wrote that in my last post titled, “Sunday Mass”. What do I say about shaking hands? I think it’s disgusting. I never liked shaking hands in mass. I didn’t know what the person did right before church. As of now, I like to give people the fist bump. It might not be very professional but it’s a lot more sanitary than shaking hands. Even Howie Mandel, star of the hit game show, “Deal or No Deal” doesn’t shake hands. He’s a germophobe. Do I consider myself one? No, not really. I’ll hug people. When I say hug people, I mean family. Family is different from non family people. Even people rubbing my shoulders or giving me that “atta-boy” shoulder rub. My old principal at grade school used to do that all the time. Back then, I thought he was just being friendly. Knowing what I know now, it ‘s kind of creepy. Even standing to close to me just me all tense. Hell, when I had to get some medical test done and that big dude rubbed me down, worst day of my life.


It’s like blackmail to some people. “If you want to piss off Kirk or get him to do something for you, tell him that you’ll touch him.” Thank you for making my disorder a joke to you. I don’t see what is so wrong about not wanting to be touched. I don’t know where this came from or when it really started. I wasn’t touched as a child. If I was, I sure did block that memory out. Unrelated, but I worked with a gentlemen many years ago who was a fan of the “high five”. No matter that task, even something so minute as picking up a piece of trash, he offered a high five. After a while, I gave people high fives for everything. He caught on and stopped the high fiving. Today, I no longer high five.


That’s an awkward thing as well. I hugged a customer one day. I didn’t want to. I was washing dishes and she came around to give me a fork or something. She startled me. “Oh…I’mHugging sorry, dear. Here, let me hug you to make you feel better.” It haunts me to this day. I’ll hug my nieces, nephews, mother, and my siblings. But strangers, hell, even people I know on a day to day basis, that still makes me feel awkward. A few years ago, some lady I was working with was having a bad day. She broke down in tears because of it. I was the only manager on duty that day. I had to be concerned. Approaching her, I could tell I was going to get water works. I asked if she was okay, if there was anything I can do for her. Then, she started to bawl. Christ, I don’t like when people get all emotional around me. I don’t know what to do. Pat them on the head and say, “there, there.”? She just tossed her arms around me, cried, and said how she can’t work right now. She needed some alone time. She needed to think about things. Even today, a friend at work was having a stressful day and she wanted a hug. I looked around first before I wrapped my arms around her. I will hug people. I just don’t care to. One other customer hugged me because I make a badass muffin sandwich. She said I am her favorite cook cause I make the sandwich just the way they want. A friend I know from online visited me once. She hugged me. More awkwardness. She didn’t like my roommates dog. The dog was dying. She offered to take care of it. What happens after she does, will not be mentioned.


KissingI don’t go around randomly kissing people and people don’t go around kissing me. The only creepiness to it was one incident. That day will forever haunt me. I worked with a boss that was a fan of men. He (yes, I said he) knew I didn’t like being touched or having any contact with people. I was busy cooking breakfast one day. To grind my gears, he walked up to me and planted a kiss on my cheek. Whoa. Did he just do what I think he did? Everyone got a good laugh out of it. I was not laughing. I dropped the spatula, grabbed a hard cleaning chemical and sprayed my cheek down with it. I then grabbed a wire scrub pad and scrubbed the s**t out of my cheek. He tossed his arms about, griping that I was over reacting. I wasn’t. It seems kissing is a way to get me to do things or a way to piss me off. When I was going through my dying stage, I passed out at work. I was laying on the floor, unable to get up. I tried a few times but had no energy to move. A coworker looks down at me and says, “Stay down or I’ll kiss you.” Granted, I was trying to get up but couldn’t. She went about telling people she got me to stay on the floor, saying that she’ll kiss me. It wasn’t your cruel offer of kissing me that kept me from moving. It was my complete lack of energy that did that. She still says that to this day. She’ll even tell new people to use the “I’ll kiss you or else” rant. It’s annoying. Eff you.


Shaking Hands

shakingI already somewhat covered this above. I like to fist bump. Even when I graze the hand of someone else, it freaks me out. We have a blind guy that comes in for breakfast. He’ll offer us a piece of candy each day. It’s that damn Werther Original thing. Those are nasty. He’ll reach in his pocket and ask us, “Want a handshake?” You stick out your hand and watch as he tries to find yours. You go right and he goes left. When he finally does find your hand, he’ll “electrocute” you and make a buzzing sound. I started wearing gloves when I have to help him. At least other employees know I don’t like shaking hands. We fist bump, pull it back and explode! My job comes with what we like to call the “grip and grin” tour. The big boys from corporate come in and tour the store. They stop by and say hello and offer a friendly hand shake. I don’t know if I should be doing what I do but I started telling them that I don’t shake hands. I gave one guy a fist bump and another, I kept my hands busy. He stood by me and talked. He was asking about my day, how’s business and anything else. He stood there and just wouldn’t leave. If I moved slightly, he edged closer. I know he wanted me to shake his hand but I wouldn’t allow it. I just kept my hands moving. He eventually gave up and left. Was I in the wrong for that? Hell, even the store director knows that shaking my hand is a big no-no. I have shaken hands before. I can’t really tell a customer that I don’t. After I shake their hands, I run to the sink and clean them. I don’t think of it as being rude, I just think you’re a dirty person. No offense.


RingsI am asked almost all the time when someone new meets me about the whole touching thing. “How would you ever get married or be with someone?” You see, that falls under a whole different category. Much like my fear of public restrooms. If I am out drinking and I need to use the facilities, I’ll suck it up and go. Though, I try my best to wait till I am the only one in there. I really don’t want someone else to hear me releasing nature. Plus, urinals are against the law to me. I wonder what people think sometimes. If I am out at a club or a bar and the line is long to use the bathroom, I’ll stand and wait till a stall is open.  A urinal will be open but I’ll just wave the next person over.

Okay, so maybe the bathroom rule isn’t much like the marriage rule. But if I get married, I’ll perform the duties I need to. Some people smoke afterwards. I’ll shower. That could be an issue. “Thanks for the exercise. You don’t mind if I shower now? You got germs and I need to wash them off. You can see yourself out.” It’ll probably take a while before I could do anything with my wife. We’ll date for a while. I’ll start with fist bumps. If the girl doesn’t leave me cause of that, I can go on to step two. I would love to tell my friends this, “yeah, we went to dinner and the movies. I took her home. I walked her inside and before I left, we fist bumped for the first time.” So step two, I’ll work my way up to shaking hands. I’ll just need to make sure I have wipes with me. Do I wipe my hands after she leaves or should I do it while she is standing there? Again, if this girl is still with me after the fist bumping and the glove hand shaking, we can move on to step three. Step three will be shaking hands without gloves. That’s a big step in our relationship. She’ll be out with her friends one night and she’ll come with big news. “He did it guys! No gloves.” It must mean love. Step four is hugging. Step five will be kissing. Step six will be, yeah, that but with step two intertwined. I’d say step one, but step six and step one, just sounds like a cheap Cinemax movie.

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