DieTanic: Part I

I love movies just like everyone else. I bet if I could, I could write one better than movies that are today. I watched the scary movies. I’ll sit through the campy movies. Sci-fi movies are fun. Western movies aren’t horrible. (unless you consider Westworld) It boarders on both the science fiction and the western. I like musicals. I like action movies, sport movies, suspense, etc… I like animated movies. I just love movies. It’s my escape from the world and one of the things I like doing alone. Out of all those genres, horror movies are by far, my favorite. You can break horror movies into so many sub-genres. We have serial killers, the supernatural, gore, monsters, slasher, and my favorite, the zombie genre.

I recently watched, “Zombies of Mass Destruction”.

It takes place on a small island town. A blind man stumbles upon an undead body. The screen goes black and without seeing anything, we know the blind man met his doom. We pan around the town meeting the locals. We meet the mayor, his running mate, a man and his friend returning to the island to come out to his mother. After a long ass scene in a car, we finally get to see the zombie attack start. The high point of that scene was watching the driver get his face ripped off and eaten by the zombie.

One by one, people are eaten alive. The gore wasn’t there. The story was lame. The acting was weak. The movie basically sucked. I know I can write a better movie than that. I can write a zombie movie. It can’t be that hard. How hard is it? (that’s what she said)

Months ago, I came up with an idea for a movie. I didn’t have a name for it. I knew the idea. I knew how I wanted it to play out. I just needed a name. Something that would catch the appeal of the audience.  Lucky me, I have friends who are into movies (zombie movies) just as much as I am. We came up with an idea so amazing, I don’t know if I should share it.

Eff it. I will.

Can a movie get any cooler than that!? We all know the story about the Titanic. But what we were all taught when we were younger, were all lies. What if a iceberg was really just a cover up? The real reason the ship sink was because of zombies. The movie wasn’t going to be about the Titanic. I just wanted to write a movie about zombies. I had no idea how the movie was to play out. I figured it would be some virus that came aboard a ship. I was going to use Haiti as the island for the start of it all. Sadly, they had some earthquake or a hurricane, something or rather. But that kind of put that idea to an end. I could have stuck with them but if I did, people would have thought I was some asshole. I don’t want people to think that. I am not an asshole. I am just….hmm.. I don’t know. But an asshole is what I am not.

I know I want Eddie Griffin to star in it. He has to. He’s not a great actor. He’s not anyone special. But he just has to be in the movie for one line.

Hey, man! You mean to tell me they can spend 4 million dollars on a boat but they can’t spend no 50 dollars on an electric bill?

Funny? Eff you if you think otherwise. I was wanting his character to go down to the bellow of the ship and investigate a strange noise. Of course, the power is out. He flips the switch a few times but gets nothing. With no luck, he speaks that amazing line. Granted, being on a ocean liner they wouldn’t really have an electric bill.


We begin our movie watching people pile on the Titanic. The rich are the first to walk on board. They are treated like kings and queens. Gwen (Sigourney Weaver) notices the crowd of third class passengers, leans over to he husband (played by the ever amazing, Kevin Spacey) and says,

Do those things really need to come aboard? Walt, they will be the death of me.

He comforts her and tells her not to worry. They won’t bother her. Being the low class passengers, they’ll spend all the time in the bottom part of the liner.

They”ll be below deck. Like in the sewers of the city. Where they belong.

The two of them board the ship. The ship is glorious. They are in awe of the splendor of the ship. This truly is a ship of dreams. As the other high class people board, the crew begin to realize that there may be problem. There isn’t enough boats. But they idea is laughed off. Why worry about boats? This ship is unsinkable. Inside, Gwen and Walt meet up with Debbie Krepts (Anne Heche). She wasn’t always rich and wealthy. She wasn’t born into a rich family. After she married a wealthy man, she changed. Money changes everyone.

She sides with Gwen about the third class passengers. The journey would be more enjoyable if they weren’t on board. The three of them chat for a bit till then feel its best to grab a few drinks before the ship sets sail.

The captain is going over the course they are to take. The weather is to be clear. Nothing really to worry about. The thought of an icebreg is brought up but the captain shrugs it off. The final passengers were boarding. It would only be a matter of time before they can set sail for the first time.

More first class passengers pile in. The thought of sharing this ocean liner with those less fortunate, turns them off. They don’t want these people to interfere with them. They are scum. They carry diseases. They are a burden on society. It all came down to, “we’re better than you”. But these high class people were unaware of what was about to be brought on board. At the end of the line was a man and his wife. A third class couple who really had nothing to lose. They approached the front of the line. She is an attractive woman but that didn’t matter. Her beauty was over shadowed by her lack of money. Her husband looked weak. He looked tired and worn out. They have traveled a long way to be on the ship. The ships hand is reluctance to let them on board with his condition but with her persuasion, he lets them on. Only if he knew then what horror he was bringing on board, he would have told them now. The couple crossed the bridge and were guided immediately, towards the third class section of the ship.  The woman carried her husband the whole way. He was too weak to walk on his own. Arriving at their room, he collpase on the bed and rested.

I’ll be fine in an hour. I just need to rest.

These two were the last people to board. The crowd on the shore cheered loudly. People on deck, waved and clapped their hands as the ship began to set sail. The ship parted from the dock. THe maiden voyage has started. These select few people were about to embark on a journey they soon wish they didn’t did. The Titanic was carrying 2,223 people on board. By the next day, only 706 people will be alive to tell the tale of what really didn’t happened.

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