Dead Zombie Wife

Poe wrote¬† a story about a man who killed his wife and stuffed her in the wall. The story is fiction but I believe life can imitate art. I recently moved into a new place. It’s a very nice place. It’s large, it’s quiet, and the area is safe. Like Poe, I have my own black cat. I have not yet seen this black cat but it is becoming somewhat of a nuisance. I have dubbed this nuisance, Carlos. Carlos is the man living below me. He has a litter himself. They run wild, cry, and cause me grief. Some kids need to be put down or do what the narrator of “the black cat” wanted to. Finish it off with an axe to the head. I am not one to condoned violence. I would never hurt a child or another human being. It is not in my nature. But I would like to put my foot somewhere inside Carlos.

We all hear noises at night in our homes. It’s usually a new home that we are not quite accustomed to. We hear bumps in the night, creaks, thuds-all sorts of noises. We lose sleep. We lie in bed and wonder. Is my house haunted? Do I have rodent problems? Is there a dead zombie wife living in my walls?

“Wait? Dead zombie wife?”

Yes. You did read that correctly. I have a dead zombie wife living in my walls. I said my place is quiet and it is. It’s quiet except for one room, one wall, one ring to rule them all, one spot in my home. The wall in the living room is where she lives. I call her Claudia. You can see why I call her that. She is always scratching the inside of the walls. I believe the man who lived her before me killed his wife and sealed her up in the wall. A few facts about the man who lived here before me.

I am still receiving his mail. Maybe he hasn’t gotten it all forwarded. But I think he split. He is on the run. If you just murdered your wife, would you really make sure your mail is forwarded to your new place? I don’t think so.

Okay. So maybe that’s only one fact. But it is a pretty good one. I am just worried about the day she breaks free from her plaster coffin. Is she going to attack me? You’re darn right she will! She’s an effin’ zombie! She is going to eat my brains. I heard the whoe last night.

Dead zombie wife will eventually claw her way out. She will get me. But if she doesn’t and I get away, I am effed. I am going to lose my deposit and probably ruin my rental history. How will I explain to a landlord that a past tenant drugged his wife, put her in the walls, she eventually ‘dies’, she becomes a zombie, she escapes, and tries to eat me? Yeah, I’d laugh too.

This is not a feel sorry for me post. This is a warning. Before you move into a new place, you have a few things you need to check out. Are there holes in the wall? Any stains in the carpet? Was the tenant before you a psychotic murderer? Is there a zombie living in your walls? Do you have a black cat named Carlos living below you? Tips, people. Helpful tips.

And if you are wondering, I would take dead zombie wife over Carlos any day.

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pitweston

I like food. I like the smell of cinnamon.

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