I am the master in the field of dating. Ask anyone and they will tell you that I am the person men come to see if they have a question on how to date women. You may be asking yourself, I thought you aren’t getting married? That is true. I won’t get married. I don’t have time to deal with women and all of their nagging. I am not the expert in the marriage area of the female species. I don’t know jack about it. I’ve written the rules (here and here) for marriage and I am not even married. Now I think I need to dive into the rules to dating. Here are some quick tips to dating women.
You are about to go on the prowl and look for a hot and sexy date, huh? That’s interesting. Don’t move too fast. You have some rules you need to follow before you try and swoop that girl off her feet.
Tip 1: Know You Age Bracket
Look, it’s cool that you want to date someone. I am proud of you. But take a step back and breathe. How old are you? Now look at the girl again. How old is she? Do you know how old she is? If you are having doubts, then it is probably not a wise decision to continue your conquest. I suggest you pack your bags and date a gal that you know how old she is. You can never be too careful. Girls these days are aging quick. A good rule of thumb is using some simple math. How young is too young? It’s very simple. You need to take your age and,
Divide by two (2) and then add eight (8).
This formula will undoubtedly keep you safe from dating a girl whose only action is tea parties with stuffed animals and a marathon of iCarly.
You don’t go for the younger girls? That’s cool. Lots of guys will go for the cougar. They are real eager to saddle up and ride that geriatric grandma. But how old is too old? That’s a great question. I am so glad you asked. A women’s age, while sometimes a mystery, it is still easy to obtain. The older a woman gets, the younger she will claim to be. Women always stick with 30. For some reason, anything past the age of 30 is another nail in their coffin. If she says she is 30, she’s lying.
But that doesn’t matter. Her lying about her age is normal. They all do it. We lie about the size of our members and they lie about their age. It’s a win/win situation. You go to plow that woman and you see shades of gray anywhere south of the northern hemisphere, you know she is lying and then your little lie about your little guy will be moot. Shove that in her face if she lies.*
A woman’s age is a delicate flower. I’ve already explained to you how young is too young. How old is too old? Dom’t chase after a woman whose favorite activity is bingo and she eats dinner the same time bankers are clocking out for the day. Follow my tip on avoiding someone that age or you can try the same formula but alter it some. This will give you a better idea of what age is safe for you.
Multiply it by two (2) and then add eight (8).
If she is any older than that, she’s too old for you bro. Too old. Find another object to ogle over.
*not your penis. Don’t shove that in her face. I am referring to the discovery of her lie. That is what you shove in her face.
Tip 2: Where To And Where Not To Take Her Out To Eat
So the girl you decided to date is of legal age and doesn’t reside in a place where bedpans are essential for daily living. You are now ready to move on a take this babe out for a night of dinner, talking, and if you’re lucky, a trip back to her apartment. (wink, wink) You can take her to a nice restaurant, a movie, or maybe just go for romantic stroll. Any of those things are fine. I am not going to tell you where to take her. She’ll be happy with any place you pick.
Don’t go out there and do something stupid just because I said it was okay. You still have to follow some rules to this easily, destructive decision. You are on your first date with a complete stranger. You need to impress her. You need to pull out the big guns (again, not a reference to your penis) and show her how amazing you are.
If you want to impress her, I suggest not taking her to a pizza place, especially one that caters specifically to kids and to parents that would rather dish out buckets of quarters than actually spend time with their child. That kind of place is a no-no. It’s clientele is mostly young kids and usually that one kid with a Stone Cold Steve Austin shirt on.
Your best choice of the first date would be at a fancy restaurant. I am talking, real fancy. Many a solo violin player coming by the table would be a nice touch. A full band would be iffy. Just be sure that if you do pick a place with a live band, the band isn’t a group of mechanical stuffed rodent that jams with an ape and a lion. Don’t go that place.
You want fine dining. You want a menu with words you can’t pronounce. The pricing should be roughly a weeks pay and the wine better come from a bottle and not out of cardboard box with an attached nozzle.
Tip 3: Transportation
A few things to know about transportation to make the date go smoothly. If you drive be sure you van isn’t white with, ‘free candy‘ on the side of it. Don’t drive it. That’s your “company car”. Drive any other car. If your car is a POS, you are eff’ed. Might as well drop her off at a street corner and have another man give her a ride home. If she drove and goes to pick you up, you have two possible outcomes. One is a big NO and I will need to refer you back to tip 1. The other outcome will be okay. Anything that is not like outcome 1 is fine. Repeating. If it’s not like outcome 1, you’re fine. You can continue on with the date with no sense of danger or awkwardness.
These are just 3 basic tips to dating a female. I will continue this at another date and reveal some more tips to dating women and how to make sure the date goes perfectly. Cause we all want the date to lead to marriage. When it leads to marriage, then you can drop the tips and stick to some new rules. Rules to being a wife. (part 1 & part 2)
Disclaimer: I hope that you know this isn’t real. Don’t actually follow this tips. 99% of what I write on this blog is a lie. It’s just something I do to keep busy and keep writing. If I really wanted to date a woman, I’d buy one. Those Russian wives are cheap. Plus, they clean really well.