Dane Cook: How To Be Unfunny and Famous

I know I am a very funny guy. I also know that I am funnier than the untalented stand up comic(?), Dane Cook. Wow, just like that. I throw it right out there. I would have babbled on some before getting to the point at hand but something of this nature needs to be addressed quickly. I dislike this guy. I really do. I do not see what others do and what appeal he has on the general public. Sure he can tell a knock knock joke and steal a situational comedic joke like Carlos Mencia but telling me how fat my mom is or what other hilarious and untrue circumstances he’s been in doesn’t qualify him as a comedian. Being funny does. That sir is one thing you don’t have.  I’ve been to funerals that were more entertaining than you and the sad thing is, the guest of honor was funnier than you – even with them being in a coffin.

Throw your arms up and curse me for hating on this fellow. Tell me I am wrong and gloat (wrongly) about how amazing, how funny, and clever he is. I don’t care. I don’t care if you have an opinion. It doesn’t matter. It would if maybe you were going to praise someone with actual comedic talent but when you try and prove to me that Dane Cook is funny and doesn’t steal jokes, well my friend, you’re in for a huge surprise. He is none of that. He’s that kid in school who does anything for some sort of laugh. He is that, ‘look at me kid’. I admit I might not have any real proof that he steal jokes and claims them as his own but take my word for it. I mean if you give him credit for having talent and a sense of humor, you should honor my word about him having the same kind of talent George Lopez and Kathy Griffin have. He is funny. No, really Dane Cook is. I am just effin’ with you. He’s not. How many people can talk about the fake atheist they met or the trip to Burger King that never happened. I know comedy isn’t all truth but when something is true and has comedy involved, it’s funny. But if Dane Cook said it, it’s not. Talent and comedy do not and will not ever materialize from this guy. Again and I am sorry for saying this over and over. Dane Cook is not funny. Never was and he never will be. All this hate and I should feel something but I don’t. I don’t wish for his demise. Look…

Dane, I don’t hate you as a person. You might be a swell guy and I just don’t know it and don’t care to know it. I don’t judge people on their looks and I surely don’t judge people who wear clothing they retrieved from a dumpster. I judge people based on their personality. And since I think you’re basically a tool and a Pea Oh Es, I can’t and won’t tell people how amazing you are. But that is my opinion. I am sure you’re a real nice person. I hear you’re Catholic!? That’s awesome. So am I but that doesn’t make us friends or makes me find your Catholic jokes funny because I can relate to the craziness of the Catholic faith. Jesus didn’t die for our sins. He died after hearing your stand up routine.

Religion aside, you might be a real family man.  I bet you care much for your family and for your close knit friends. I bet you are a person who enjoys reruns of According to Jim. I just hope you’re not stealing jokes from Jim Belushi. That might be as bad as stealing jokes and other prop gags from Disney Channel shows like Two Kings or Wizards of Waverly Place. If you haven’t noticed it yet but I am rehashing the same joke about him being an untalented hack over and over. I feel that if he can do it and get away with it (making millions in the process) why can’t I? I don’t think it is just his jokes that I don’t find funny. There is something about him that irks me. Remember when you were in grade school and the school bully wanted to beat you up? I understand that my analogy won’t work if you were said bully but pretend for a moment that you weren’t that bully. If Dane Cook can pretend that he has talent, you can pretend for a second that you are the whipping boy of a childhood bully. The point of this analogy is not a funny attempt at making a joke and trying my best to compare to hacks like Cook and his merry men of wanna be comedians. I just think that if I had the chance of getting my ass kicked by the grade school bully (even the high school bully), I would gladly let my guard down and let him (or her) punch me square in the face numerous time before I would google Dane Cook and watch countless videos of him on youtube trying his best to be funny.

Have I made my point yet? Dane Cook is not funny. He is the poor man’s Dane Cook. That’s is the only way I can explain him to people. People are funny. People are unfunny. Then you have Dane Cook. He falls under his own category. He truly is one in a million. I can give him that. I just can’t give him a pat on the back for being funny, talented, and original. He is none of those things. It’s fact. This is not my opinion. Dane Cook is hands down the least funniest person to be called a comedian. I still don’t have facts or proof that he’s garbage but I do have my word. Is my word law? Yes. I am more reliable than the Bible itself. If you are Catholic and you see the Bible as Doctrine then you should take my beliefs and word about Dane Cook being a total P.O.S as the truth too. Hell, we think a man built a boat for 1.3 million species of animals and their mate. If you’re crazy enough to take that as truth, then maybe you’re crazy enough to see Dane Cook as a talented comedian.

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