12/9/12
Twilight Poster

I’ve never seen ‘Twilight’ but I am sure it is something like this…

I am not a fan of Twilight. I have no interest in it and I never will. I know there are people out there that just love this movie and will sell their first-born to have just one night with Edward or that Jacob guy who doesn’t own a shirt. I never understood why people flocked to these books and the movies . This isn’t a vampire movie. This isn’t a love story. The story is about a sparkling guy who happens to stalk a girl who has only one facial expression. I have never seen these movies and I have never read the books they are based off of. Reading them or watching, I’d be wasting my time. I don’t know what they are about. I don’t have a desire to know what they are about. But I am going to give it a shot. I am going to try my best to explain to people what I think the books are about. If I am wrong, sorry. But I feel that my interpretation of the books that I will never read will be pretty spot on. But if they aren’t, oh well. I still won’t read this garbage. I have better things to do.

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04/5/12
midnighthour

Have You Ever Seen: The Midnight Hour

There are many movies that stick with you forever. I am not talking about the movies that are big blockbusters that everyone and their family has seen. I am talking about the movies that not many people have. At least, you assume that you and your family are the only people to really lay eyes on it. I have talked about Mr. Boogedy and Midnight Madness. Other movies have been talked about on my site but those movies have had a wider audience. They are a little more well-known. This time around, I am talking about a TV movie titled, “The Midnight Hour“. It hit the airwaves back in 1985. It was many years later that I saw it. I remember laying on the floor. My brother and my sister were on the couch. We flipped on the TV and how we came across this movie, I don’t know. Am I glad we did? Yes. I watch this movie on many occasions.

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06/8/11
HumanCentipede

Have You Ever Seen: The Human Centipede

If you’re into S&M type crap, then this movie might be something you’d be interesting in seeing. The movie centers around aCentipede once highly respected doctor who goes a little mad. He creates a multi-legged dog, but it dies. Happy with his progress he yearns for something bigger. He wants to prove that he is still the great doctor he once was. He challenges himself to create the first (and hopefully last) human centipede. Cue the chicks.

Two American girls are in Germany looking for a good time and they end up at some party. Afterwards their car breaks down, and they have a run in with a pervert. While I am not one to dive into translation books, this scene will make anyone aware that is best to know some of the native language you are traveling in. The girls walk and walk. They finally come to the house of Doctor Heiter. He seems nice. Even offers them water and calls a taxi service to retrieve the girls. Unfortunately for the ladies, the man didn’t call the taxi service and the water he offered them is laced with some sleeping drug. The girls pass out and wake up to find themselves chained to beds. They are not alone.

The Human Centipede – Official Trailer

Much like any evil person in any movie, the man explains his entire plans for creating a human centipede using the two girls and the two detectives investigating the girls’ disappearance. Imagine if you will. Being sewn together to the ass of the person in front of you. If I recall, Dante of “Clerks” made it perfectly clear that you never go ass to mouth. That rule is not applied to this movie.

The movie itself seemed slow at times. A lot of just random and strange things. I mean, we have three people sewn together to create a human centipede. Heiter spends his time with his creation treating them like a pet. He trains them how to walk, abusing them when they don’t do as their told. The three of them work as a team. A process that may seem easy but with one of them, Katsuro, only speaking Japanese, the communication chain is broken.

Can the abusive scenes be the worst ones? Hell no. Is there something more off-the-wall offensive than watching a mad doctor sew three people together? I submit that there is! But what? What is the most horrific scene in the movie? Well…the Chinese man eats some food. And what happens after you eat food? That’s right boys and girls. Everyone Poops. I cringed and gaggedThis Is Poop as I watched the scene unfold before my eyes. I watched as the Chinese man apologized to the American woman. He clenched his teeth and cried, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” You don’t see the fecal matter escape from his anus like some CSI episode, but you know what’s going on. You know this woman is getting a mouthful of poop. A big mouthful of lo-mein-laced poop. Aside from the poop eating, there isn’t much more to the movie that will turn you off. Or if you suffer from coprophilia it’s the only thing that will turn you on. If that is your cup of tea, then take a gander at “2 girls 1 cup” (perv).

In the end,  Heiter dies from a bullet to the head. Both detectives are killed, bobbing in a pool like a pair of ocean buoys. The Japanese man commits Hari Kari, slashing his throat with a piece of broken glass. One of the gals, the end of the centipede, dies from her infection. The final tourists is alone, stuck between her dead friend and the poop-making Japanese man. Sucks to be her.

The Human Centipede (iTunes) is a movie much different from any movie I have watched before. You wonder where people come up with ideas like this. Even my own mother would shake her head and question me as to why I write some of the things I do. It is said on IMDB and many other sites that Six came up with the movie as a joke he had with a friend.

The concept of the film arose from a joke Tom Six made with friends about punishing child molesters by stitching their “mouth to the ass of a fat truck driver.”  – Wikipedia, 2011.

Justice served, right?

I am not wanting to give some deep review behind the movie. I saw this movie listed for months on Netflix. I just never took the chance to watch it. I just assumed it was going to be some really bad, SyFy mutant movie. I expected to see some experiment go wrong and turn someone into a giant, man-eating centipede. It is a giant centipede but not a man-eating one. This one does enjoy a delicious bowl of dog food <– frightening.

Centipede 2

Sides can argue ’till the cows come home but there will never be an agreement whether or not this movie can be called “art”. Was Six merely looking for shock value or was there some deeper meaning to the movie? Was he trying to tell us a message, something deep and profound? I don’t know. Watching a Japanese man excrete fecal matter into a girl’s mouth doesn’t constitute as great cinema to me. Maybe he was trying to tell us that the American people are full of shit. Maybe we’re willing to expect anything. No matter how foul it really is. What’s your take on the movie? What’s the message you got from it?

This movie is definitely not for everyone. While it is a horror movie, the movie doesn’t fall in the same bracket of the big name movies—Texas Chainsaw, Saw, Scream, Halloween, Puppet Master. This movie doesn’t fall into the horror category. I’ve watched plenty of bad movies. Thankskilling was God awful. As was “Old Boy.” But this movie was zero entertaining. But for a movie that has received so many bad reviews, it seems to be the talk of the town. Surprisingly, not all the reviews were bad. Some website gave the movie high praise (WTF?). Not sure what movie they were watching. Months after watching this movie, I began seeing simple nods to the movie in articles, Twitter, and even South Park took a stab at parodying the movie. Lots of buzz for a movie that seems to be getting the worst reviews imaginable. Roger Ebert went as far to say,

I am required to award stars to movies I review. This time, I refuse to do it. The star rating system is unsuited to this film. Is the movie good? Is it bad? Does it matter? It is what it is and occupies a world where the stars don’t shine. (read his review here)

What do you do when a movie sucks this bad? You make a sequel. According to Wikipedia (the not so reliable source):

The film centers around an antagonist called Martin (Laurence Harvey), who becomes sexually obsessed with a DVD recording of the film within the film, The Human Centipede (First Sequence). In the DVD, a surgeon kidnaps three people and surgically connects them mouth-to-anus. Martin masturbates as he watches the film, with sandpaper wrapped around his penis. He subsequently creates his own twelve-person “human centipede” and gains sexual gratification from the pain, humiliation and suffering of his victims. He is shown to become aroused whenever a member of his centipede defecated, and their feces are forced into the mouth of the victim behind them. He rapes the woman at the rear of the centipede, with barbed wire wrapped around his penis

Tom Six, the writer and director of “The Human Centipede” is at it again. He is bringing up another movie. If you thought the first movie was tasteless and sick, you’re in for a treat. The below video will explain it all. Once this movie is released, we will be treated to the sickest movie ever made. When I say ‘we’, I don’t mean you folks in the UK. You’re shit out of luck.  To everyone else, how sick? As mentioned above, a man masturbating with a piece of sandpaper! That puts a new spin on sanding wood.

'The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)' Teaser

Believe me, I have read a few things about the sequel and it does seem a little off-putting. Then again, it’s a horror movie(?). Horror movies should do just that. Scare you a little and make you feel uneasy. I disliked the first one. It just didn’t do anything for me. But with the first movie being a load of crap (in my opinion), why am I so eager to see part II?

05/14/11
reaper

Have You Ever Seen: The Grim Reaper

It is a bit funny that I have Netflix considering I work at a video store. Anywho, my brother and I enjoy watching the B of all B movies. Nothing has been able to top Thankskilling (iTunes) and I’m not sure if anything will be able to. As it goes, I was waiting for a ride and opted to pass the time by watching a movie. When I opened up Netflix and looked at its suggestions for me The Grim Reaper (iTunes), circa 2007, popped up. I avoided reading the summary ’cause that’s all part of the excitement and hit ‘play.’ The movie starts with a girl in a white outfit fit for a stripper walking up a flight of stairs, and ends with her in building, walking down a hallway.  A dark figure is walking behind a girl and lifts something up and then…oh it was a dream sequence.

Grim Reaper

 

Of course everyone at the hospital thinks Rachel is going crazy. Though Rachel is no longer at the hospital, but somewhere else. She is at some other kind of hospital, and have some new characters, the good old “trusting” doctor, the quiet artist who won’t talk to anyone but draws pictures of the Grim Reaper, the suicidal wrist-cutting girl, the abused girl who lost her eyesight because her boyfriend was jealous and threw bleach into her eyes, the untrusting dude who needs pills to manage, and finally the band playing guy who seems like a stoner. Have a look at a bit of the movie:

Grim Reaper – Trailer

They are all trapped and unable to get out. So each one starts to get picked off one by one, the quiet artist is killed when the Grim Reaper throws guitar drumsticks at his face, and the artist boy is no more. Well I guess splitting up and wandering around, in an abandoned hospital is a good idea, and I guess the Reapers body count will raise to 4.  The 2 girls decide to go off someone else to avoid then Grim Reaper. The blind girl can hear things really well, for she knows that the Grim Reaper is coming. The wrist-cutting, suicidal chick can’t take it so she electrocutes herself, and leaves the blind girl to defend for herself, well the Reaper is getting closer… and well you can assume you know what happens to her.

The pill-popping dude runs to a room to hide from the Reaper, but the Reaper finds him, and needs to clear the dude’s debt.  The Reaper is standing in the doorway with the blind chick’s head. The Reaper and the pill popper fight and Reaper wins. The stripper and the band-playing guy end up finding the pill popper sliced and diced, and they run for cover.

They go and find the doctor’s office in hopes they can find meaning to all this. The doctor tells them why the Reaper is chasing them. The doc made a deal with the Reaper, “Save my life, and I will bring you lost souls who don’t deserve to live.” What better place to find them then at an ER? Well the stripper and band player look everywhere for something to break the curse, and the band player goes to the closet, there’s a bit of noise, and then a whoosh. The band player is no more…sliced and diced. The stripper runs around trying to find a way out. But she doesn’t know that her boyfriend found a way in. Kind of curious how they can’t find a way out, but he can find a way in.

They find each other and devise a plan to beat Reaper. Lets drug up the girlfriend, and put her in a drug-induced coma, and then they Reaper will pay. Well she ends up in the same place as her dream sequence, you know, walking upstairs, walking downstairs and then to a hallway, then the Reaper appearing. Something happens and a light shines through a window and the stripper girl moves causing the light to hit the Reaper and he burns up.

The stripper and her boyfriend escape and make it safely back home. All is good with the world. Or is it? At the end of the movie the poor stripper has a dream (or not) about the Reaper coming after her.

Grim Reaper was so not worth my time. I could have written about any other movie, Dead End, or Séance, or 5ive Girls, Haunted Highway, etc, but I decided on this one. Trust me when I say you should probably watch one of the aforementioned because you are not missing much by avoiding Grim Reaper.

12/30/10
Yes! Those tentacles are made of ants.

Have You Ever Seen: The Hive

I don’t know how I always pick the movies that are so god awful. I was scrolling through the instantly watch videos on Netflix and spotted this gem. The cover art is something magical. Who doesn’t like a movie where nature turns on man. I am not talking about natural disaster. No typhoons. No earthquakes. Not even a giant tornado can compare to what lies beneath our feet. The hive is a classic SyFy movie. It has the out of work actor, the outrageous story line, and the cheapest effects.

The Hive (iTunes) is a simple idea. On a remote South East Asian island, the natives are being attacked by an army of killer ants. A group of eco-mercenaries are brought in to save the day and rid the island of these pesky ants. But what lies ahead is something that no one is prepared to hear. These ants aren’t just ants. They are controlled by something not of this world. Can these eco-mercenaries stop the ants before they consume the island and everything or everyone on it?

AntsI cannot stress enough how awful this movie is. It was a wreck from the moment it began. The opening scene is of ants crawling on a tree. I was sure we were going to get an instant kill within the first five minutes of the movie. I was right. A woman is cleaning her house and tending to her baby. The ants are just covering the place. I don’t mean the floor. I don’t mean the walls. These ants are crawling all over the ceiling. With a mothers intuition, she quickly grabs her baby before a pile of ants crash down on top of it. The woman hurries to the door but trips. The baby slides across the floor and within seconds, the mother is covered in ants. The woman is nothing more than a ‘picked to the bone’ skeleton. Holy Shit! These ants mean business. The ants maneuver themselves towards the baby. While we see a few ants crawling on the baby, we don’t see its’ demise. The scene jumps to an outside view of the house and a scream is heard while the house goes black. That’s two dead people already. Can someone save the day before they kill more?

We are introduced to a group of eco-mercenaries. These men are part of the Thorax Team. They are called in when a nuance (such as ants) are needed to be eradicated. This team is pretty well equipped. While I am all for the cool and high-tech weapons in movies, these weapons just seemed a little out-of-place. It’s like when you see Chris Elliot in The Abyss. It just throws you a WTF moment and then everything just seems totally outrageous. I was predicting they would spray the ants with a corrosive acid of sort. Acid would have been cool. It would have been bad ass if someone got a little too close to the hose and gets doused. The Thorax Team have laser guns that shoot a blue stream of light that seems to just kill the ants but nothing else around it. While they looked cool, I just cannot find them being plausible. They looked more like the belonged in another bug infestation movie, “Starship Troopers”.

Ants

The acting reminded me of any high school production I’ve seen. The dialogue seems stale. You’re being attacked by smart, killer ants. I’d be terrified. Scream in terror. Run in terror. Don’t just point and say, “oh no.” The movie had only one major star. Major is pushing it. Since his “Dukes of Hazzard” days are up, Tom Wopat is just looking for any work that can bring home a check. He plays one of the Thorax Team members, Bill. Once the movie introduced him, I was 100% correct he was going to die. He played the rebel team member. He was either angry or really pissed off.

I don’t know how many ants there are in the world. Some say trillion. Other places say quadrillion. That’s the entire world. This island is infested with millions upon millions. The ground is covered Antsin them. While Bill and Len (Kal Weber) are on a mission to kill these bugs, they come to an incredible site that neither of them can explain. The ants have seemed to master creating complex works of art.  The ants bring down a tree branch and a single ant crawls inside Bill’s ear. The bite seems to trigger something in Bill and makes him extremely pissed off. The ants even seem to create an arm over to pull a boat back to shore. How smart are these ants? How stupid do you think people are? It’s a little over the top.

Ants

The movie was full of really bad CGI moments. The ants even go as far as creating a giant ant made of ants to crush a human. A cheap gag which wasn’t even the slight bit funny. The team comes to the hive of the ants. Still boggles the mind when I keep saying ‘the hive’. Ants live in colonies. It’s bees that live in hives. While in the nest, they discover the ants have created a working computer. You can see how out there this movie is when they give these ants the intelligence of a human that can create a working computer. This explains how the ants can create these structures they do. The ants even work together to hold a little girl hostage. With the girl hostage, the leaders of this island need to act fast. It’s time to eradicate them. Cause according to the general on the island,

“We don’t negotiate with ants.”

Really!? Really!? Did he just say that? What the eff? The Thorax Team bargains with the ants to make a trade for the little girl. In the end, Bill takes a bomb to the nest. Kal and his pretty young girlfriend flee with the young hostage. The world is safe from these killer, Einsteinian ants.  The crappy CGI, the bad voice dubbing, and the great twist to the movie, (it was aliens that made the ants become super smart) made this movie a giant piece of dog turd. It could have worked if they just left the aliens out. The movie wouldn’t have been any better if they hadn’t, it just would have been a little more of the ‘ants getting pissed off at people’ type of movie. Spiders get pissed, bees get pissed, and genetically altered wasps get pissed. But none of them are being controlled by an alien from outer space. It is a movie that fits in nicely with the rest of the SyFy line ups. SyFy isn’t known for blockbusters. Most of their movies are off the wall and random as sheet (Sharktopus). With aliens, ants that can float in the air, and blue lasers to defeat them, you got a recipe for creepy, insect crap.